I'm now three days post rock bottom. I cried a little less yesterday than I did the day before, and I'm sure I'll cry less tomorrow than I have today. It's getting easier, and I'm slowly figuring out how to adjust to this new normal that I've brought on.
For those that don't know, I've been suffering with anxiety and depression for at least 9 months, though I'm inclined to say it's been longer than that now. My ex boyfriend has seen the signs this entire time, and has been trying to encourage me to get help and keep getting help, but I've been in denial about the whole thing. I had sought help a few times, but I honestly think I was just doing that to please him. On Friday night, I had had a very stressful and anxiety inducing day, and I chose to drink to calm the nerves. I drank too much, caused an argument, hurt him very badly, and now we're broken up.
Since then he and I have talked and decided that we will keep living in our apartment, just separately. We're planning on moving all of his things into the other bedroom until we can figure out if we have a future together. I'm devastated. I hurt him, but more importantly I hurt myself and that's a level of pain I've never had to deal with before. We're cordial, we still talk when he comes home from work and still share our successes and pitfalls, we just don't have the affection that we once had. To his credit, he's being very kind and considerate of my emotions and how I can work through what happened and start to heal.
I've thought about asking him to move out, but I don't want to displace him from his home when I'm the reason for everything that has happened. I also just don't want him to go. There's a very large part of me that feels that we can work on this, and I can get the help I need and be a better person for the both of us, and I feel like if I ask him to move out not only with that hurt me even more than I am now, but he won't come back. But I feel like he may need some time and space away from me to realize that he doesn't want to leave permanently. I could leave, and I've certainly considered that option, but I feel like if I leave the place that is making me uncomfortable then I'm running from my problems instead of facing them head on and conquering them. I also know that if I leave now until he makes up his mind about whether he wants to be with me, that it's only going to be that much more difficult for me to be in this apartment alone if he does decide to leave. Rock > me < hard place.
I have seen both my general practitioner and my therapist in the last 2 days. I've been started on Fluoxetine 10mg once daily, and Hydroxyzine 25mg as needed for anxiety. Bizarrely enough, I feel like they might already be working. While I'm still sad, and I'm still crying a lot and obsessing over the situation, I don't feel quite as anxious as I did prior to starting. I've also spoken with my therapist about what happened, and I've begun the process of working through my emotions and sorting them into the boxes that they need to go in. I'm still very much anxious and unsure about the future, but I at least have a plan for how I'm going to get better so that I don't ever hurt anyone the way I hurt him again.
She's having me do a worry script, basically exposure therapy for those of us that have anxiety, where she's having me write about the thing that I'm most anxious about daily until that thing doesn't make me as anxious anymore. I did it for the first time right before deciding to make this post, and it did help quite a bit. I was feeling very lost and anxious, but getting those emotions out, and envisioning in vivid detail exactly the thing that's causing me the most anxiety somehow helped me work through the emotion. It still scares the shit out of me, but I was able to allow myself the time to worry about it, and cry about it, and now I don't feel quite as bad. She told me to do it daily, but I think I'm going to do it every time I start to feel anxious.
I don't have a very large network of people in my personal life that I can fall back on for support, which is why I reached out to this group. I say that to say, if anyone feels inclined to send me a message on here for any reason at all please do. Having people to talk to right now to distract me from everything that is happening is exactly what I need.
The worst therapy session ever!
Medications!! 
Medication Concoction
Finally starting therapy?
Got medication but theres a catch
