I need To find my Self if I can

[DopeyMonkey]

I need To find my Self if I can

I am not sure where to Start, emotionally and physically I am broken, angry all the time, stressed, drained, I am dyeing inside, I can’t keep drinking to suppress my hurt and emotions, I got no liss no drive no will

Lest Start here

I don’t have anyone to speak to I am alone in my own feelings and this darkness in me

So I am not sure if this is the correct group for me but I need an out as I cannot handle these feelings anymore

My mood emotionally and physically I am broken Rejected, Stressed, Emotional, Drained, Angry, …… dyeing inside

About me, I come from an emotional and physically abusive upbringing always seen as the lesser to my older siblings, my Parents were Separated most my life, only saw my dad maybe once’s every 3 months for an weekend, I was Bullied at school most my life.(Almost killed my self)

But by some chance I mad some new friends who had my back, and with out them knowing they pulled me out of the darkness and I became an whole new person

I managed to block out all the pain I had and was much stronger emotionally, there was no limits to what I could be and do, I ended up dating the Hottest girl’s I could walk in to an party

And everyone would just migrate to me. I lived by my rules and loved myself I did not need anyone to make me feel I was perfectly contend being me with or without anyone’s approval.

I made an Dissection Not to have Children due to my background.

So I met an girl and fell deeply in love with her, 2yr till I realized I was just an meal ticket pit stop for the next, this just Broke me in so many ways, but I moved on meeting lots of woman, some good some real bad, the one girl I met dam she was the only person that would make my toes curl in an good way just by touching my leg … but ended up telling me I am broken and that was it. (I disconnected from love) I had no more feelings thereafter. I still loved my self and was still good my life my rules I am good.

No matter what I had my goal and my self and every task / job I took on I out performed, it took me 2 yr. to move from joining an company to Running my own site, I am my own,

While on an Business Trip I met an Woman, now my Wife of 17yr. with 1 child 12yr.

We exchanged details after meeting, I did not expect anything, the next day she called me and we went out, I decided to go to my favourite pub I found in the area as I am not an local ( Pool, rock Music,) not an first date type place, but after all this is me like it or don’t)

We had some more date’s thereafter, at first I did not feel much, just an friend showing me the town, BUT there was something, I felt again, This is the first time in Years I felt something for someone else. She was also the only person other then my friend J I opened up to all my ghosts.

So after months I got offered an Job that would take me away from her, we did the long range and I was 100% committed, for over an Year till I managed to get her an job in the same town, we did not move in together at first but in time we did, life was amazing I have someone.

After some time together the If/when started Intimacy dropped

i.e. Insecurity (not Me)

when we get engaged

when we get Married

When I changes Jobs ( A lot)

Rejection Hurts what have I done wrong ???

Well fast forward I had some set backs with work, but I never neglected her, making dinner for her, Flowers, Gifts, think of romantic, I am all in all the way ( you need tips I was the Guy )

Found my Feet we wore set good Home, Good Job, and we started an Family, but there was always (If/When) I am In love

Shortly after getting married I got sick dropped from 95kg’s Athletic build to under 60kg’s in 3 months it took me years to get my wight back up I am now 80kg’s with an bit of an midsection

And finally started to go back to gym, as I did not what people to see me as an skinny twig.

So day’s after I found out I am going to be an Dad, Father, I got told the company has been sold and thanks for the years of good work, but your job ends today.

WTF ???? I have to Go home and Tell her !!!!!!!!

We made it, by the time my child was born I was busy building an new tomorrow, and feedings up to 2am, nappies, the works, it was not easy and I stand to parse her for having to deal with an new baby and my failed as an man

By the time he was 1 I had my own business running new but growing, I mad friends hit my head lots, but there was no going back,

By the time my child turned 2 we have not had any intimate time, not for an lack of trying, she finally told me after I showed her an chart, she thinks/blamed me that I don’t love her and I am having an affair, this killed me over and over.

I was working on building an business with noting, and using all recourses I could that did not take funds from her, YES one of the resources was an woman, who allowed me to do work from her house, she saw my Idea could work and helped me

She was older then my dad, ???? I saw an recourse my wife saw an cheat ??? jet who did I go home to, who rejected me ???

Well after this I did all I could to move/get what I needed at my own house, so I started trans formed my small outside balcony to an office, Duck it was cold in winter,

So my dad who I did not see much off my life fell ill and he could not be alone any more ended up moving in with us in our small flat.

Funny I think he spend more time with my child then I ever got to spend with him. And my wife and me build an relationship of note with him he was an truly good man ( he met her years ago and told me you got an keeper hold on to her)

Intimacy Kicker new we can’t your dad ???

So as time passed she got an even better Job, I was doing ok, and we could buy an bigger house, with lost more space for us and my dad, + now I have to look after my Mom, siblings (Longer Story) + her Mom and Siblings)she was

When my dad passed she was an rock star sorted it all before I could beath,

She worked/Works had / I Build up and small Business, I get to spoil her cover 90% off the bills, make dinner every night, school work, …… she gets home and get an glass of wine, And chills wile I go back to work,

Fast forward Lost’s

She changes Jobs after I got messages she is doing her boss. , if we had intimacy 5 times per year it would be an world record, I have been working from home with 0 interaction from anyone for the last 8yr, but my child and her with almost no affection

December 2020 new Year she is on her phone I don’t even get an hug for new Year

When I walk in to the room she changes the screen on her phone, or locks it, or puts it down,

She got new Job even more $ less hours, less stress, I am just me, working from home alone

So Covid, we in lockdown 3 months, ++++ I can still work she is home with me, if spend more then 20 min an day together ??

I love her and will die for her, I know I Stared Drinking lots ( Not To Feel), I stopped going to bed at the same time with her So there is no Temptation, I know I stopped buying her Gifts, …… I know, I am 100% at Fault, but I just can not deal with the Rejection of 10 Yr. + 400+ day’s an Year, It Hurts

The Hurt has turned in to Anger, pain, moodiness. Part of my anger is that when I got Robbed and had a gun in my face I could not, I feel that emotion of fear and helplessness still.

She told me if/when I stop being angry / moody / Drinking, things might change

Mentally I am not in an good space, the idea of just not being is growing stronger, I got my Will in place, made an folder signing all over to her, if something should happen to me.

Covid hurt my Business badly, and I got lots of staff and my family who depends on me, to be strong and focused, I am not in the right mind I need to fix myself, and I am worried my state of mind is affecting our child

[Midori]

I feel for you, DM, but I really don't know how to help you, except to suggest that you try for some medical help, You seem in a bad way, but At least you are still thinking of your wife and child.

Be safe, Cheers, Midori

[DopeyMonkey in reply to Midori]

They will always come first,

[anonymous030404]

(PART1) This is an post I did some time ago if you need more context “I need To find my Self if I can”

(PART2)

The Wife “Hi my angel. I love that you called me angel.

Yes I want us to reconnect.

I want you to heal.

Let's talk this weekend. I need to tell you something. It's about something I experienced when I was younger.

I'm. Stressed about our child. I only have emotional capacity to deal with one thing at a time. It's getting harder and harder for me to deal with multiple things at a time. So I shut off.

But I will tell you on the weekend ok. Love you my babes.

We had an chat and she told me I never call her angle anymore, I don’t do special things for her, I do not show my appreciation, I am neglecting her,

So I made an point to send her an love note every day, I looked up all the relationship advice I could find and I sent her links to once so we can read and work together and suggested we need to go see someone for help

Yes some of them suggested xxx, setting times, talking, I even found the 5 love language test with I sent her so we can see where we can find neutral ground and what I need to do more for her,

I suggested we have more us time just kissing before bed, holding hands more, intamicy not just x

“ was hurting still I do this but not getting any of the same back”

I Tried my best, and for an moment I was thinking we will

(PART3) I need Help safe my marriage I messed up

Last night I turned to my wife and she turned her back on me, I am on,

I turned back and after and bit of time I replied I think you should go see an doctor as you wore on for 2 weeks of for an week and on for 3 weeks, or is it something I did or …

She got up and left the room, next morning she pack an bag and left without an word for work

Then I got this in my e-mail

“How dare you.

You have just proved my point that I gave always been saying.

It's just about the fucking sex.

Just get it out of you head.

I am having problems with my period. I seem to be having it every 2 months. I have just finished a period that went on for two weeks.

Do you think I like it.

The doctor has already said there is nothing I can do until my period doesn't come for a period of 12 months.

Get someone else I will deal with my own issues like I always have had to dot while life.

I am tired.

I will move out you can deal with the house.

I was Stunned

Here is my Reply

“So sorry I only saw your mail after you called I could not reply as I was crying and could not think

“I love you,” “I am here for you,”

I hurt you deeply.

I wish you will tell me more about what you are going through and be honest and open to me so that we can deal with it as an team

You can tell me how you feel. I want to know that is why I keep asking if we can talk

I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry you are going through this I don’t what you to deal with issues alone and if I made you feel like I don’t care I am sorry

There is not and will not be anyone else

I see the hard work you do to make you feel and look better you are amazing

“I’m not going anywhere.” But I see you need your space, I have never nor will I ever walk out on you, so take the time you need to do what you need or what to do, knowing I am here,

When you ready and willing I truly think we should go for help as it is clear we need help, if you willing

Please be safe any angel I love you”

Later I got this

Hi I'm not coming home tonight, will be back tomorrow and will fetch my child from Ty.

(Part4)

how do I fix this I messed up and now I am going to loose the only person who matters to me !!!