Turning... into I don’t know what... but you guys I keep effing up

[Starrlight]

I’m under a lot of stress with family stuff. No matter what I do my mom is bad off. Never peace in this house. Never. Also parts of the house is rearranged to be worked on and I’m so unsettled...I feel things outside chaotic are breaking through into me to cause chaos inside me. I wish God wouldn’t give more than one can take well I should get ready cause I’m almost done here... So to explain a bit one thing is I say something to my husband in a tone like I was putting him down according to him and I didn’t think that but I agree could have been the case but I hadn’t meant any harm. Another thing is I have been thinking really rude things about people. SO! THIS IS NOT who I am... so I will be noticing and catching myself... but honestly I am thinking I have such hurt and such enormous amount of stress and anger bubbling up right now that what it does is it starts to seep out...onto others... I know i have been punishing myself in ways for a loooong time especially the way I talk to myself.,,I know I can take care if I choose but I have been and that’s not working so far and I can heal and problem solve and be aware be careful but sooooooooscared that I’m just turning into a bad person. A b-i-t-c-h Am I And at the same time I keep getting paranoid that everyone thinks terribly of me. Because I do... so... I guess that’s that another I need to fix being mean to myself. And I take pills when I get one I drink sometimes and I take risks sometimes. I evade, I escape, can’t face something, don’t know what..I feel so alone. . Schoooooool starts in 6 daaaaaaaus! I’m overwhelmed and I will not get into it but kids going to different schools this year. I looooove them. I just want school to go well for them to the point I panic uggggh working on it!!! They need me at my best but can I be that what I want most?

I don’t want to turn into fears. I want to conquer instead. Don’t want to turn those fears worst of life, thise secrets that I never speak to anyone about. Ideas that can’t really be put into words.

Sorry to those I don’t talk to more it’s just overwhelming to me to have certain or ha all conversations. Thanks for understanding and also please understand how deeply you are loved. ❤️ Thanks for listening

My kids are the only ones reason I am here still. This is sick. I’m pissed off beyond belief because what mom should have to say that? That they are sticking around for you. There should be more not so raw and *shakes head* Ok so yes I looooove them so much but still, I want them to have more than this. More of me. I want to want to live. I’m a good mom but they see , they see me. ❤️ I have been taking ocd bipolar helpers (meds) just started them a few days back, but something tells me it’ll make it worse than better,... educated guess/ probability....

[Kkimm]

Hi Starrlight

So sorry to hear how bad you are feeling.

You have alot on at the moment and with the boys, or one of them, starting a new school you are bound to be stressed and worried for them.

Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Do you have a therapist you can talk to?

My very best wishes

Kim

[Starrlight in reply to Kkimm]

So true maybe some of this chaotic mess feeling is normal for parents. But I just uggggh. So frustrating to hardly ever get a break from the experience panic. I have many tools to lessen the negativity like distraction like deep breathing and soothing etc right now I’m injured so I can’t work out as much...I am tired of living my life though the way it is... I’m trying sooooooooo hard. I do see feel believe the improvements but I guess I just really need more than this although I’m grateful. It used to be absolutely HELL. Thanks for being here.

[AmIHappy]

Hi starrlight,

You have 6 days before the school starts why not go for short trip or have oicnic with kids and husband. It will clear yoyr kind.

Its just that u are stressed and tired with ur fast life and u really need a break to rest and clear ur mind.

Talk to ur husband and make him show ur pain side and make him understamd..i am sure he will support you...dont let ur fear overcome u...face em...try everyday to face em.....and that fear that lingers ur mind will be gone slowly slowly.❤️

[Starrlight in reply to AmIHappy]

Went to the park after an appointment ... it was a nice break and not trying to rest have been facing a good amount of fear today and it seems it will not deprive me of itself.

[JEG325]

S, you may think you're becoming a bad person but, it won't stop me from caring. You need someone to talk to. Who better than someone who cares? I spent much time considering the [S] word. I am not so inclined yet I have gotten angry enough a few times that if I had an easy way I might have done it. Yet for the most part, even at my darkest, I couldn't get over the feeling that I was here for a reason, that if I left early I would be missed by more than just the ones who are closest to me. Life is all part of a interwoven fabric of existence. Every strand that is removed weakens a point somewhere in the whole of existence. You're not here by accident. What we do has far reaching effects. Perhaps you should switch your focus from all the negatives that you feel to all the positives that you accomplish. Negativity only breeds more negativity. Light begets light. Though I struggle to swim in the pool you're in right now, I keep diving back in over and over to try and help you, to try and reach you somehow. That's what friends do though. Right? In the words of Dido's, 'White Flag' song.... 'I will go down with this ship, you won't find a white flag above my door....' There's no surrender here, I will never give up on you!

[Starrlight in reply to JEG325]

Maybe negative is so engraved into me... although wait, actually I’ve retrained my brain before plus I don’t always feel so much negativity... but when it lurks and hits it is intense. Thanks for sticking around. I feel so crazy always jumping from one end to the opposite quickly,... it’s the bipolar, not my fault... except when sometimes when I feel a really strong high or major depression I try a pill or I take cbd sometimes it helps other times makes it worse. It’s a constant push for me just constantly trying to make it through these intense feelings each day which my doctor believes are from my ocd intrusive thoughts... 3?or 5 days ago I began a new med for this. Best of muck to me, eh? I pray but don’t keep my hopes so high you know. Thanks for sticking with me my friend.

[JEG325 in reply to Starrlight]

I told you I would always be here and I meant it. Friends for life, S. You an win this battle. My money is in you, the brightest star in the known galaxy!

[Lostmyself65]

It is so scary when you feel angry,scared and out of control. This is when we are the hardest on ourselves. You have so much going on with kids, husband and taking care of your mother. I am sure you are overwhelmed to say the least but in noway does it make you a bad person. Please know that my thoughts are with you. I hope that you show yourself the love and understanding that you deserve. Sending you light in the darkness and strength to get through.❤

[Starrlight in reply to Lostmyself65]

Thanks it just seems I take my imagination put every bad thing on my shoulders and wait hurting waiting to act on the next trauma or crisis or fearful task...I try to remember to make out a time for worrying so o can relax more but still working on that. I have an exercise I do where I put my thoughts in a jar put on the lid and that is that. I can go back up the ladder where I keep it to place any thoughts that might have slipped out. It helps me sometimes. And praying talking to God today actually helped s lot for a while.... I’m just so tired wondering when I can be done go home to that safe place, imagining just usually not enough ya know?

[Lostmyself65 in reply to Starrlight]

It is amazing....the things we convince ourselves of. I know how hard it is under normal circumstances and can't imagine doing it with all you have going on. Things are always our fault and our responsibility. It is a heavy burdon to carry. We have to learn to be kinder to ourselves and give ourselves permission to get pissed off every once in awhile. You will make it through because you are stronger than you know.

[Starrlight in reply to Lostmyself65]

What did you mean things are always our fault and our responsibilities?

[Lostmyself65 in reply to Starrlight]

I am talking about how we convince ourselves that things are our fault.

Not that they are our fault. We just asume and feel bad for things that have nothing to do with us or anything we did. I'm sorry I hope I did not make you like things are your fault.

[Hidden]

I too have struggled with negative, hateful, rude thoughts and even though i felt so negative i knew it just wasn't me. my psychiatrist added lamictal to the prozac i take and my thoughts have become more positive and hopeful. I'm less irritable and antisocial. but to make those meds work consistently i have to stay away from alcohol. i would suggest talking to your doctor.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I’m glad lamictal has helped you. Yeah I’m trying to stay away from alcohol as well. I just got on a med called fluvoxamine then older meds are lithium and zyprexa.

[Runningfargal]

Hey Starlight,

I understand, your experiences sound very familiar to mine. I went off my meds and now I realize they actually may have been helping because I’m catching myself in bitch mode too. Irritable and stressed out! And I feel like a horrible person for it and think everyone deserves better than me and what I am. All I can say is reach out to someone who won’t judge and preferably face to face. Here is awesome too but there is something about in person contact. It’s what I am trying desperately to do. It’s so hard and so awkward but even just a single sentence can help. Hang in there! You are not alone!

[Starrlight in reply to Runningfargal]

Best to you... and me! I like what you said and feels less lonely already... I have to admit I fake it try and always be so strong as much as I can... I think I’ll talk about it to my new therapist.

[Nom-D-Ploom]

It takes time for the meds to really help.

Your post reminded me of something a man wrote 2,000 years ago. Paul wrote over 1/3 of the entire NT. He was highly educated, very successful, and zealous to the point that he is still honored today.

He wrote: "What I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I...

For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do."

I wish I could always think before I talk, but I don't.

[Starrlight in reply to Nom-D-Ploom]

True, I’m just worried the new med will f me up or simply not work I’m soooooooo tiiiiired. Interesting writing to ponder upon. Spooky kind of when I relate to it. Best to you.

[Nom-D-Ploom in reply to Starrlight]

Yeah. It is scary. I hope it helps a lot.

[Starrlight in reply to Nom-D-Ploom]

Thanks so much Nom-D-Ploom best to you always... how are you? What’s going on?

[Nom-D-Ploom in reply to Starrlight]

Hi. I am going through a "down" spell. Sometimes I seel so 'apart' from my birth family. On facebook they just have an endless chain of posts about how wonderful they all are. High praise for our father, "best father ever." The one who got beaten the most gives the highest praise.

I just don't understand it. I can't fit in with it. I feel like I would be telling lies if I joined in.

[Starrlight in reply to Nom-D-Ploom]

Yeah I hear you. 😮 I’m sorry that’s rough. You’ll be ok

[Nom-D-Ploom in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you.. We both will be. It takes time. I didn't get destroyed in a few years, healing can't be expected in a few years. But I wish it could.

[Starrlight in reply to Nom-D-Ploom]

Circumstances make it so it’s been difficult to heal from trauma and at least we can heal but I’ll never be without my chemical imbalance which I was born with. I’ll always struggle. I know it may sound negative but it’s the way it seems to me. What do you struggle with the most? What do you think helps you the most?

[Nom-D-Ploom in reply to Starrlight]

I struggle with not being what I want to be. I say what is true and correct, but sometimes I just shouldn't say it. it helps me to do something. Anything. I have e mess of stuff that keeps me from doing all the things I used to do.

[Hidden]

The pills take time to adjust so you need to take breaks a lot of them. You know what helps in times of troubles... try playing the song “let it be “ the words are wise and it’s a great song to sing!! Paul McCartney wrote that song when he was feeling lost in his life wanting things things were changing around him. Very much like you. You don’t need to worry about your kids there’s a plan in place their going to be fine deep down you know that. Be kind to yourself you deserve it. I’m cheering you on. So many of us get it !!

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Truths. Thank you and blessings to you, beautiful.