Am I broken? I really don't even know anymore...

[WritingInTheCorner]

Seriously, my life is far too messed up to sum up in a small post. I did post a good bit on my profile, then realized I was writing a novel and tried to cut it short.

I feel like giving a "brief rundown" of what's happening would paint things in a light that might not be correct, but if I share it all, we'd literally be here for the next 12 hours.

In July of this year I lost my brother. 6 weeks later, I lost my mother to COVID that she caught at my brother's memorial. Since April I've been having significant marriage "issues" with my spouse of 24 years. And I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what is me being hella emotional from everything and what is accurate feelings to have. I don't know if the "issues" with my spouse are a product of my mental conditions or if my mental crap is catching a bad rap simply because "Chelle is emotionally unstable..."

I'm beyond tired of being made to feel like I'm wrong for how I feel. I'm tired of being made to feel like everyone is walking on eggshells because I'm "unstable".

Is it really "mentally unstable" to be emotionally devastated when your learning that your spouse of 24 years is NOT who you thought? Or doesn't see YOU how you thought he did? Is it really "mentally unstable" because you aren't okay living in a sexless, roommate/friendship type of marriage?

I know this with my brother and my mom has my emotions so raw right now, but I feel like that has nothing to do with my relationship/marriage. And, as sh**ty as it's going to sound, my marriage issues are what's bothering me most. I'm processing and grieving my brother and mother. I'm doing that in as healthy as a manner as I can. They have passed on, nothing can be done about that, so it's up to us to come to terms with that - on our own.

However, my marriage IS something that can change - one way or the other - and it's not something I can change on my own. And it's those issues that are throwing me in a pit of depression. My anxiety is lingering in the background, begging to come out. I've been - barely - keeping it at bay and managing it. Even in the face of many things that would have sent me in a tail spin. And I just feel, my spouse should be doing everything in his power to help me fix this. And it feels like he never is.

I swear, I don't even know what I want out of this post. I just want to vent, I guess. Know I'm not crazy for feeling this way. Because I feel like I am crazy for feeling this way. Anytime I get sad or upset, it's always passed off as one of my "mental issues" and I'm really damn tired of it. Not everything is a "mental issue" and needs to be treated like momma's about to snap and go to an institute. Sometimes... JUST SOMETIMES... it's because I'm sick of being treated like I don't matter.

[Cancergirl]

Oh my goodness! First, I am sorry for the loss of your mom and brother. That is still recent. Grief is a hard thing to deal with. My mom died in 2010 and my brother 2018. Then, I got cancer 2 months after my brother died. I really relate to your situation. My husband does not understand what I am going through as he has never lost anyone really close to him and has never been sick, till just recently when he had Covid. I fear my cancer is returning due to certain symptoms. He had the nerve to say what he was going through was worse than my stage 4 tongue cancer and it was more dangerous. He tried to back pedal later because he realized how stupid he sounded. I wish I had an answer for you. My husband just keeps saying I am having one of my episodes and tries to blow me off. He wants me to go to a mental inpatient program. I cry every day and just feel hopeless. I feel I am just here waiting to die. I will pray for your situation. I know it is a terrible situation to be in when you just want love, compassion, and understanding. How would your spouse be doing if they were the ones dealing with the losses and how would they want to be treated? Take care.

[SplashDown in reply to Cancergirl]

Please call the suicide hotline if you are feeling like you want to die. We need you here!

[HisChild4ever]

I am very sorry too about the loss of your brother and mother! I am so sorry that even when you had two tragedies in your life within a short time you have not received support and love from the one person who's supposed to be understanding and loving! To tell you the truth, you sound SO lucid and mature! It is amazing that someone would try to convince you and others that you are mentally unstable!! Gosh! I can't believe what is happening! Marital counseling can help a lot. But if your husband is not willing to do it with you, there is individual marital counseling and I would recommend to you to seriously consider getting help from a professional, no matter what. Almost all of us go through things that are very hard. It is not a bad thing to seek help! There's also grief counseling that can be very helpful. I am sorry that the person who should love you the most is someone who behaves like an enemy! It's a very good thing that you wrote and I am very glad that even though you are experiencing depression and anxiety, besides dealing with marital problems, you still have self-control and wisdom. You seem smart too. I wish that your husband would be there for you. May God bless you a lot and guide your steps!

[SplashDown]

I am so sorry you've lost both your brother and mother and especially with the COVID-related circumstances. It is so hard! I don't know what to say about your husband -- was he like this from the very beginning? Have you ever tried to go to counseling together? To be the Devil's Advocate, maybe his coping mechanism is to withdraw/disengage/disassociate...that's not a pass for him to not be emotionally available, but working with him and a couples therapist to try understand your dynamics can be helpful in a long-term relationship. Please give yourself as much time as you need to continue grieving and maybe consider just moving out for awhile if you don't have young kids in the house. You could just leave for a month to get some distance if able to do that.....