Okay... I don't know where to start. It seems like from time to time I come into this. Sometimes I feel really depressed almost with not reason at all. I realize when it happens I have these bad thoughts, I feel so small and bad about myself, have pretty low self-esteem. I don't know where my depression comes from and if I actually have it for real. I feel so naive, non-experienced for my age, I find myself envying other people and thinking about I'll never meet someone or be succesful in life (since I haven't finished the career (second time studying), haven't got a job ever and haven't had a bf) I don't feel I'm good for anything as such. I don't have friends, the only people I talk to everyday is a guy I met on internet some years ago and I can't consider him a real friend. We talk trivial stuff only. When I think about this I start feeling really depressed because my life is all messed up somehow, because I haven't seen any progress in my life since a lot of time.
Today I hated myself so much that I decided to sleep in order to avoid all of this thoughts and feelings and repeating myself it would be so nice to die. Very often I wish I'd be dead, or just dissapearing. I don't know what to do to feel better, this is always chasing me although I forget about this stuff sometimes, it always comes back. I really feel mediocre and I can't visualize myself in 5 or 10 years. It's like I see myself being pretty miserable because I didn't achieve the life I wanted, or the path is just blurry because maybe I won't live longer for some reason. It's not like "You're young and there's too much to see yet" I can't think like this because my life remains the same as always. Deeply I don't want anything bad happens to me thinking this way, but on the other side I feel so sad, lonely and hopeless.