Stress and relationships.

[skeptic-loyalist]

I just started a new position at my job this year. I have been very stressed and honestly exhausted for many reasons including new diagnosis of sleep apnea on top of everything going on at work. My work takes a lot from me mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically. So, when I have any trouble in my relationship with my boyfriend of 6 years, I find myself wondering if it’s normal for your relationship to be another added stress or, I hate to say it, another “thing I have to deal with” when I already feel like laying in bed for a week. I feel overwhelmed and I’m not quite sure what to do or think/feel. My boyfriend and I have been doing fairly well this past month, we’ve definitely had our ups and downs and have even broken up 2 times before, but I feel like even the smallest things can be an issue and I hate that. For example our current predicament is that I went to my moms to pick up and talk about things I can do in my work for her and wasn’t able to call until I got there because I have been phone service issues and had to wait for WiFi. After calling to let him know I was there and would call later, we always call after work to check in, I finished up and her place and decided to go and stop by the restaurant I used to work at for 6 years, and even still occasionally for events, to get a quick dinner a glass of wine and pick up a check for an event I worked a month ago and forgot about. Once I got settled in- said hi and had some catch up conversations while ordering- I then texted to let him know I stopped by there. I then called him about 30 minutes later and we talked some. A couple of minutes in I told him I would talk to him later. He then asked why and I said “I feel like you aren’t really saying much anyways.” I’m not sure if I added, probably not, but I also was having a hard time really investing in and trying to have a convo while having worked pulled up, being in a busy restaurant, and being exhausted. He then gave me a hard time and started coming off rudely. I then tried to talk to him about what the problem was and he was then trying to get off the phone “because that’s what you already said you wanted to do right?” He then continued to tell me “you’re being ignorant” because I said he wasn’t saying much when he felt he had done all the talking and he had asked me a few questions. At this point I was extremely frustrated and really was not trying to fight from the get go so I said bye and hung up, which I know is pretty rude but I have a really hard time communicating my feelings with him and more so feeling like they are being heard by him (not judged) especially when he has any of his own feelings in the way so to speak. We have definitely been working on that and I do see progress. But here we are the next day he is now saying he won’t be coming over for the next few days, he has been at my place practically every day for the past month, all because of that altercation. I asked if he will be talking to me at least for those few days and my response back was “I mean I’ll text you good morning and have a good day or good night.” Overall, I really feel like this is such a small situation that is being turned into more than it is and I really feel like things are fights that don’t have to be. I try really hard to be calm and hear what he is saying even if it is offensive and rude but I still feel like I end up losing and it turning into a fight. I know it’s not a big deal to have arguments or disagreements but I really feel like it’s always a fight/more.With all of that I can’t help but feel that my relationship is more stressful than it should be. It’s tiring. At the end of a really hard day I don’t feel like I can always count on him to be ok with that or supportive of that, because of how he might be feeling about something or feeling about me. It kind of disappoints me and definitely makes me sad. I don’t know, maybe I’m just tired in general but it just isn’t really sitting well with me right now that my relationship feels like another stressor in my life. I have enough stress already.

I would love to hear thoughts and opinions or even personal experiences that I can use to help with how I should respond or what I can do now and definitely in the future.

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

I never thought I would be in a relationship cause I didn't think I could handle one. My fiancé and I are the same and at the exact same time not. For example he grew up in a family as the youngest. He's the runt of his family. And his family never really talked him they let him be on his own. So life lessons and wisdom on life were never taught to him. I own the other hand came from a family. Similar situation. Where I was the runt of my family. But I had a mother who taught me things about life and she shared her pearls of wisdom with me. My dad would watch me and take care of me. So I'm light years ahead of him in regards to communication. And he struggles in that department and so do I. Because I get so frustrated with him and his lack of communication skills. And I have to remind myself to give him time to respond. Which is like agonizing to me cuz I think fast I talk fast. And he's kind of like on a satellite delay. And me being with anxiety my mind can create problems bigger than what they are. He sometimes will help me and keep me in check. And he has well has problems in that department as well. He can easily get over excited easily frustrated. And he takes it out on me. Just like when I get anxious about something not being done fast enough for me, I get upset. What I've come to learn and being in this relationship is I have to learn how to slow down. And remind myself it's not just about me. So I try not to lose my temper over silly things. I try not to let my mind automatically go into "he did this maliciously ". I have to say to myself, " It's an accident or he might have not known ". And not let me get ahead of myself. And he too is trying hard to learn how to communicate better. To make his feelings known better. And yes it it's tough. I have gone through. Wondering whether or not if this is really worth it. Cuz I am so anxious and I'm wonder if maybe I'm too messed up to be in a relationship. But those are my insecurities about my struggles with things anxiety. I'm learning that anxiety isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm learning that being sensitive is not a bad thing. I just have to be better about experiencing things learning to take things as they come. And accept the fact there are some things that are not in my control. And yeah we've had our ups and downs but today we celebrated our 9th anniversary together. So there is hope in being in a relationship. And you just have to make sure you have the right person with you. That is understanding and is willing to evolve with you. And vice versa. I don't know if this helps you or not. This is just what I've experienced with anxiety and depression. And being in a relationship with somebody who is also dealing with anxiety but has a better grasp on it than myself. Anyways that's my story.

[skeptic-loyalist in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

No that helps a lot! Thank you very much for sharing your perspective. Sometimes I think it helps me just to hear others experiences so that I don’t feel like I’m “crazy” or outside the norm- not that I should have to be in it. I know I’ve got a lot to work through too and I’m learning to give myself more grace, but your experience helps so thank you!

[Midori]

Hi skeptic-loyalist,

I can't help feeling that you are being gaslighted by your other half. He seems to want your exclusive attention, and resents you having any outside friends, contacts or interests.

You say you have broken up before. That is not a good sign for your future. In a healthy relationship there is no dominant partner. You talk and decide things together.

Cheers, Midori