Relationship and Media: I feel like... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Relationship and Media

Arsyn profile image

I feel like this might be a bit of a ramble you have been warned.

I feel like all the netflix films, romance novels and social media as a whole pushes the idea that you need to be in a relationship or should have atleast dated someone by the time you are 18 at the least. This is something I find really hard to digest. I am 20, my highschool didn't have social events, games or anything of that sort. It was simply a place for academics and nothing else the university I am in is also the same.

Being on social media is really horrible because although I know it's not realistic to think that everyone should have a relationship or at least experienced it I feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with me as a person just because I have never dated or had anything even remotely romantic in my life like not even a kiss.

My anxiety and other mental health struggles only make it worse because I have a constant fear that I am too complicated for anyone and that I might be too much to handle. It sucks because despite trying to be logical it really drives home the feeling that you're not good enough just because you haven't done something as small as kiss a guy.

What are your thoughts let's open to the door to communication... I want to know if what I think isn't right and that it is weird that I have been single literally my whole life

33 Replies

Arsyn, in all those movies you watched, did you ever see "Never been kissed?" with

Drew Barrymore? Very heartwarming film that doesn't push a relationship. When the

time is right it will happen. And even if you never meet Mr. Right, that doesn't mean that

you are not good enough. There are many reasons we are put on this earth, not all of them

have to do with relationships. You're only 20, step back and just see what life may have

in store for you. You may be surprised :) xx

Arsyn profile image
Arsyn in reply to Agora1

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! I totally agree that a relationship is not the end all be all of our existence. I will definitely watch Never been kissed, Drew Barrymore is a legend and that you for suggesting it to me!!

That is a good question. Good for you for asking it. I’m with you and Agora! It’s not weird to be single at 20 and there is nothing wrong with waiting for the right person. In fact I think that’s very wise.

Novels, movies, and shows push what sells... unfortunately kisses and teen romance is what sells. It’s all about making a buck for the production company, not necessarily about reality.

Don’t feel bad about yourself! It’s ok to wait and see. You are obviously very smart to be thinking about these things and asking questions. 🙂

Arsyn profile image
Arsyn in reply to

Thank you for taking the time to send a message! I agree with what you are saying these kinda movies appeal to public and are able to garner attention and media. It's just a little suffocating when it is so saturated, As agora mentit maybe I just need to take the time to read novels or find movies that aren't so centered around romance especially teen romance

in reply to Arsyn

Anytime, Arsyn. Yes there is better stuff out there, it’s just a little harder to find. I am big into film classics and older authors and I love talking about my favorite books and movies but then I would be here all night. 🙂

All the best.

mrmonk profile image
mrmonk in reply to

I'm sorry to intrude on your conversation with Arsyn, but the mention of classic films and old authors piqued my interest, as I love both (well, classic films and older poets). When you get a moment, I was wondering if you'd share some of your favorites?

in reply to mrmonk

Hi mrmonk I like your username. The Monk show is great and I love the theme song, It’s a Jungle Out There...🙂

Some favorites are Laura with Gene Tierney, The Red Shoes (1947 I think), the classic Laurel and Hardy shorts (the 2018 movie Stan&Ollie is also good), The Great Escape (1960s), The Swan with Alec Guinness, the A&E Jeeves&Wooster shows (hilarious), and recently I enjoyed the new movie Robert the Bruce although the story moves slowly and it’s very sad with lots of heroic deaths. I also like musicals.

As for authors, most any British authors up to mid-20th century, Hawthorne, and Irving. 🙂 What about you? Do you have some favorites to share?

mrmonk profile image
mrmonk in reply to

Hello Phil-4-13,

Oh, it's a jungle out there all right...maybe, Randy Newman ought to add an additional verse to reflect our new pandemic reality. 😷

Though I haven't seen any of the films you mentioned, I remember seeing TV spots for Laura on AMC (way back in the day when that stood for American Movie Classics), but I always missed it somehow. I need to seek it out again.

I do like Laurel & Hardy, but I absolutely love Abbott & Costello as a comedy duo. I've only seen snippets of Jeeves & Wooster, but I love Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry.

I enjoy musicals, too -- stage and screen. The Music Man and My Fair Lady spring to mind, but also the earlier innumerable musical comedies -- the Judy Garland & Mickey Rooney pictures, anything with Deanna Durbin...I could go on and on, but what are some of yours?

It's a tie for my favorite film of all time: It's A Wonderful Life and Psycho. It's an odd pairing, I know. I'm a fan of both Frank Capra and Alfred Hitchcock (with a deeper affinity for Hitchock).

Some of my favorite poets include Philip Larkin, Elizabeth Jennings, and my HealthUnlocked avatar, Sir John Betjeman.

I saw that you write poems; do you enjoy reading them, as well? Any favorite poets?

in reply to mrmonk

Who’s on first, what’s on second...

mrmonk profile image
mrmonk in reply to

...I Don't Know's on third...

in reply to mrmonk

😄

in reply to

Abbot&Costello’s routines never get old. I love when they multiply 7 by 13 and get 32. 🙃 I will have to look up Deanna Durbin. Yes those are great musicals! Enjoy Audrey Hepburn so much. Robert Preston too, he costarred in Beau Geste which is another favorite. That one and Laura tie for my favorite movie of all time. 🙂 Singin in the Rain is a great musical and of course, Oliver! It’s nice that musicals have made a comeback in the movie industry. The Greatest Showman was enjoyable.

Aaaah Hitchcock... have never been brave enough to try Psycho but I thoroughly enjoyed Vertigo. And the tv show Hitchcock Presents.

Yes I read a little poetry sometimes. Alfred Tennyson has been an inspiration. And I consider Roma Ryan, Enya’s lyricist, to be a poet as well.

This is a powerful essay that should go viral really. I once wrote a moving essay at school on the benefits and risks of the Internet in a English lesson. Mind if I share this essay? My opinion on your essay is that it is beautifully written and that you have eloquently expressed your honest thoughts on the risks of social media as well. Your feelings and emotions are justified completely.

Your lovely essay needs to go viral literally however you might wish to edit the last part of the essay so that it makes a lot more sense to your readers. You could also add a few pictures and also include a short concisely written paragraph on your mental health issues. What do you think are current issues surrounding the Internet? How do you propose to tackle them? Do not feel bad either for asking questions.

Arsyn profile image
Arsyn in reply to thara9643

Thank you for your kind words. I would love to read your essay do send me the link! I am extremely flattered by your words and will definitely think about how to edit it and post it somewhere!

I was in the same boat as you! I was 21 when I had my first kiss and 22 when I had my first boyfriend.

Watching people at school, on social media, and other media made me think there was something wrong with me. But once I did hit those milestones I realized there was nothing wrong with doing them late. I just wanted to do them because other people did them, and if I would have rushed things I know I would have regretted it

Everyone does life at a different speed and there are more people like you than you’d realize

I totally relate. I tried long distance to make things easier but it seemed worse.

I was told that I'm too good.

So I've closed that door for now so I can focus on my life and become less complicated.

It's not weird at allll. It's the same for me. I'm 19 and I'm okay with it because it's very normal. YOU are very normal.

You're not weird. As someone who is 29 and never been in a relationship, let alone on a date, finding people you connect with just takes longer for some. It's hard to meet someone when there aren't that many opportunities. Especially now with social distancing. A lot of people are going the online dating route, which is fine, but I'd rather meet someone in person, which does make it harder to find someone since I'm not good at the whole socializing thing, but my therapist is helping with that.

Just be open to meeting new people and, when social events are happening again, try and seek some out.

Arsyn profile image
Arsyn in reply to Otaku12

I totally resonate with you when it comes to meeting people in person rather than through something like an online profile. Thank you for taking the time out to reply to this :)

Many of us young ones go through this dillema at some point, the pressure to be in a relationship. Here, not having any romantic experience at age 20 isn't weird enough for anyone to be harangued for it but saying you won't get a few looks and intrusive questions is another matter. Mind you, coming from those who have come to view relationships as necessary. I don't pry cos this misguided construct doesn't bother me but when I do review their relationship history, there's little substance. Too many within a short time. You come to the realization that many are in love with the idea of having a romantic partner rather than properly appreciating the attributes of the person themselves; at the benefit of seeming experienced. People have pointed out to me that I could be one of those true love people. My reply is perhaps. When I am ready and do get in a relationship, I want it to be with someone I truly care about and am willing to pursue a long time commitment with and vice versa. In a condition that I properly understand myself, my needs and what I desire in a partner. Not a poster of a relationship built off of something I'd seen in a movie, or cos everyone's doing it. I do dream about kisses and gush about romantic movies. I indulge in some silly little crushes too but I constant keep in mind what I want, what will fit in my life at the moment, what is realistic against what others will have me believe.

Arsyn profile image
Arsyn in reply to Myre

I want to start of by saying that you have an amazing command over the English language. I really hope you consider writing essays or something of that sort of you aren't doing so already. You have expressed your thoughts so well and I can relate to you when you say you want to do it right and be in it for the long haul and not like a short fling that is there just for the sake of show.

Once again in awe of your language and the way you articulate your thoughts :)

All must be, on your own time, and from and for your perspective.

Film, TV, entertainment, have very little to do with reality.

And everything to do with grabbing your attention and holding it so that they make a profit.

Trust me when I say I bought into the crap they sell at a young age, Honor, Justice, Family first. And none of it matters to those who have real power. They hope we do, so they can continue to sway our thoughts to their manipulated needs.

I say this from the perspectives of someone who past half way through possible life expectation.

Follow your gut, educate yourself, ask questions, find your own truths.

Live them.

I just think that you haven't met the right person yet. It will happen x

I have been going through this most of my life. I am 35 and am just now really trying to confront this part of me and figure things out. Whenever someone has shown any interest in me I get this sick feeling. I guess that’s my anxiety being triggered. I don’t really have a concrete answer as to why yet. I have just started the online dating thing and have been on one date. I felt pressured to move too fast, on the physical aspects especially. I can’t tell if the pressure is coming from them or from what I’ve learned through the media or what not. I really need a lot of time to feel comfortable around a person.

in reply to Vtower

I feel like that too Vtower, uncomfortable with the idea of someone being interested in me, as I am a slow-moving person who needs the option to take my time and really feel comfortable with someone before committing. I believe friendship should precede romance, but at the pace dating usually goes, is there even enough time to become friends? There is entirely too much pressure around this dating thing... it seems to take all the joy and spontaneity out of it!

I think there shouldn’t be so much pressure. We don’t have to be in a romantic relationship in order to be complete as a person, right? It’s possible to find fulfillment in the other aspects of our lives. For me, I find fulfillment especially in my prayer life.

Vtower profile image
Vtower in reply to

It feels so good to have someone else get it! You’ve put it so well! I have always gotten fulfillment from my relationships with family and friends, but now I’d like to find a partner. It’s nice to hear you say that about your prayer life. I have strayed away recently from my faith and I’m trying to find my way back. The things driven into me by church or parents growing up about faith and religion don’t seem to match up with who I am today. If that makes sense. Just trying to find what feels right to me.

in reply to Vtower

Best of luck to you, I hope you find the right person. That’s lovely that you have started your journey back to faith. If you really want it, keep looking and you will find it. Seek and you will find... 🙏

All the best ❤️👍

Blessed36 profile image
Blessed36 in reply to Vtower

Prayer, is a good way to cope, because when you a relationship with God, every void you feel thats from friend , personal relationships, etc. God loves overtakes them all. But you first need to get closer with God. Talk with him , by yourself just like you will talk with your friends, because he is our , true loyal friend. Visit letgoanxietytoday.com, it has articles on how to get closer relationships with God. Hope this help stay strong and be blessed. 😀

Yes I hate media and how they portray what they think is the "norm" . There is no normal what's normal for one person isn't for the next so technically there is no a " norm" and there's nothing wrong with you and relationships and boy or girlfriends will come in time just enjoy what you have knowing there is nothing wrong you or the way you are.😊

Blessed36 profile image
Blessed36 in reply to

If the media is upsetting, some time you need to avoid looking at it, i know it seem hard but why keep looking at something that stresses you. Focus on the positive, and if you cant get from that the media why bother, enjoy the real world. Go do some active outside, jog, join a gym, you will find new people and make new friends. But you have to be open to communicate, Noone wants to be around an unhappy person, so smile and talk. Visit letgoanxietytoday.com

I’m 28 and never been in one. You have a whole 8 years on me. I deleted fb long time ago. Having fomo doesn’t do us any favors

Nope make yourself , available be more friendly make coversation. Sometimes its best to focus on yourself, to become ready to appreciate someone new in your life. But you have to be ready to date. So you can enjoy the other person. So take this time out for you, go jogging ,fishing ,get fit, build youtube channel, website,something that inspire you and build your confidence, because when your confidence shines through with a smile, more people will be attracted to you. Visit this website shows different ways to manage anxiety.. Hope this helps ,have a great day 😉letgoanxietytoday.com

Arsyn profile image
Arsyn in reply to Blessed36

You have a really good point. I definitely get what you mean by taking the time to focus on myself and build on my confidence and my own personal growth before trying to get into a relationship. Hope you have a pleasant day as well!

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