Coping with depression that makes you not want to live.

[Deepsee]

It's like a heavy weight lately. My depression is making me loose the will to keep going at times. I sleep it off or workout or talk to friends but it seems to return quickly. The SSRI's are confusing and drugs and alcohol are not an option for me . Life just feels like it's lost all it's color for what seems a long time now and I just can't seem to get a jump start.

[Starrlight]

I feel often that I don’t want to live as well. Sorry you feel it too. I think I understand when things are just so blah and it’s hard to enjoy things. I would really want to die if it Em wasn’t for my kids plus I don’t know what awaits so try to be strong to see what will happen. My brother took his life. A friend helped me see that maybe he is looking at me struggle and that in itself is comforting that maybe I’ll see him again some day but it’s not time yet. Are you safe right now?

[Deepsee in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks - I am safe. But last night I was looking on the internet to see what kind of ways people use to transition. It scared me - so I reached out to my doctor today to see about getting back on my meds which I came off of on my own about 4 weeks ago. Not smart some might say but I was just getting so tired of being on them and still feeling awful at times. I'm a hot mess right now but I'll be ok. It's just hard. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

[samack in reply to Deepsee]

Those suicidal ideations come some days for me like a speeding car. Fortunately I get a little better the following day, enough to lessen the thoughts, not get rid of them. They scare me when they come. I truly don't know what keeps me going on, but I do. I like to think that my deepest or higher self supports me. Write on those days to us, to know there are people who get it.

[Deepsee in reply to samack]

Thank you and I will. I am new here and am appreciating the posts from others and the replies. Nice to know we have each other. A good night sleep also helps me. And exercise. Also self kindness. Sometimes I just talk to myself very kindly and ge super gentle till I get through it.

[anonymous_on_here in reply to Starrlight]

I hope you feel better

[HopelessinMT]

Oof. This sounds really hard, I’m sorry you’re suffering. I get it, and I wish I didn’t. It’s scary when you find yourself (again) back in a place you never want to be. It physically hurts. Just hang on until tomorrow, then see what tomorrow is like. You’re not alone. We don’t know each other, but I’m sending love and support and positive energy your way 🙌🏼 We can endure

[Deepsee in reply to HopelessinMT]

Thank you. Sounds like you get it. Things do change.. eventually. It's just hard when in the storms especially when they feel like they will never end.

[Married1978]

I hope you can find peace. It's important to talk about it. Especially close friend or family member. For me, the real difference came when I went into therapy. It can be challenging to find the right fit but worth the effort. Your doctor maybe able to recommend one. I go to a county office that provides services on a sliding scale. Please don't give up. The hope you need to find again is still there, you need to work a little to find it. Please don't give up. You are too important and a short distance from getting back your hope. From what I understand, having a family member commit suicide puts one at greater risk. Think of the pain that it caused you and how hard it would be for your loved ones to live thru it again. Talk, talk and talk some more

[RemySue]

I'm sorry. I've been there also.

[Calypso3]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I often feel this and I describe it as 'not wanting to live in my head.' It is definitely a rock and hard place type of situation. You are not alone. Please keep reaching out to friends because they really do want to help.

[Zimarra]

I’m sorry I’m the same way right now. But you are so brave coming here and sharing

[Deepsee in reply to Zimarra]

Sending you warm thoughts - one day at a time that's how I do it. Today was a better day

[crowningglory19]

I'm so sorry you are going thru this and know it is hard and sometimes there don't seem to be answers. Definitely counsel is helpful if good, and there are many churches that offer it free with experienced counselors with licenses. Also, take care of your base, do the basic things that help you deal with stress and depressive modes better to get out of them faster. Some natural aides do help but are not the answer completely, but instead a base need to start up that hill of healing. So, start with a good multi vitamin with extra magnesium to calm your mind body and spirit and extra B vitamins that heal nerves and give energy and focus to do the things that help you feel better. Also, ginseng is great to get rid of sticky negative thoughts that loop too. Get enough healing rest and show yourself grace, speaking positive to yourself to counter the negative thoughts or things said to you. Pray and meditate, read or watch positive things that are helpful and focus on what has brought you to that low, face the giant and fight it rather than avoiding it.

[Deepsee in reply to crowningglory19]

Thank you. Means a lot to read your reply. I'll get some vitamins going and follow your other tips.

[Rememberthepurpose]

Have you ever been screened for BIPOLAR Depression??? I was given an SSRI from just about every caragory they have at some point with either disastrously bad reactions like psychosis or suicidal ideation or a feeling of extreme anxiety that triggered fight or flight. I also have PTSD(add a C now) and my Depression has compounded so severely that I've been in a major depressive episode for 8 months consisting of 4 suicide attemps(one successful). Not that I'm hanging by more than a thread, but that thread is a MOOD STABILIZER...NOT AN ANTIDEPRESSANT!

Not many hospitals will do a serotonin count. It was CLEAR to a specialist I found that not only was an SSRI not the answer, but my serotonin levels were WAY TOO HIGH. Dopamine production was a known issue of mine due to YEARS of being overprescribed pain meds and the subsequent chemical dependence and addiction I battled ever since. I'm on Lamactal, and it keeps me from hitting the lowest of the lows where I'm on autopilot backed into a corner with suicide by any method as fast as possible being my SOLE thought. Perhaps discuss this with your doctor. I don't know how long your episodes last or if they've been pretty much constant without breaks, but a lot of us with major depressive disorder end up or are misdiagnosed and are really Bipolar2. I'm asking for a second opinion myself, as I've only very recently learned that manic episodes don't have to be positive. They can be hopeless and full of over the top, self destructive, adrenaline seeking behavior. My middle name😣

[Deepsee in reply to Rememberthepurpose]

Hey thanks so much! My doctor just prescribed that for me coincidentally. We'll see how it goes and yes I get there too. I'm working on the non med solutions I can as well; friends, support group, exercise, self care and self love practices. It's a toughy to feel all over the place emotionally - some days of late Ive been truly worried for the future and hopw I'll navigate with my challenges. Remembering to keep it simple and stay in the day helps. Be well sending love