Feeling so alone

I am feeling so alone and isolated I wake up and can barely breathe. I do not even want to start the day. I have lost myself. I feel like I am disappearing and maybe I am not supposed to be here any longer.

[Owl777]

hey ,I'm in the same boat as you except I have to get up becausse I have a kid. May I ask how long have you been feeling this?

[Hidden in reply to Owl777]

Since I went through extreme trauma in my life, I have MDD, PTSD, and anxiety. One day, out of the blue, I had a nervous breakdown and I moved to another state to be closer to my mom and step-dad and thought I would get support and help from them. Instead, they made everything worse. I met my husband and thought I would have a new life, my depression would get better, I would find a job and friends. fast forward 10 years later...I have no friends; I do not have much contact with my mom; my husband works 6 days a week; even though I put out 100s of resumes, I am unable to find a job. I sit home so isolated. I have been going downhill for 10 years and I am at my worst now. Suicidal ideation is a daily thought. So that is the long of it. I feel worthless, hopeless, and have zero confidence,

[Roxylox in reply to Hidden]

I will keep communicating with you if that helps at all. It is awful to be alone with those feelings.

I have a husband and family but it is not always easy to express feelings to them. Anyway, they don't get it.

My confidence would not be good. Always found it hard to fit in. I only work 3 hours in the week, and even that place has not yet come back after Covid.

My husband works 5 days a week. I also have zero friends here where I live now. That has always been hard.

Please communicate with me. I do feel a connection , and I don't like to see anyone in the bad place you seem to be in now.

Do you have any hobby you might still have an interest in - music, singing, journalling, podcasts maybe.

Motivational podcasts can be good if you are up to them . Comedy can be very uplifting too.

[san_ray70 in reply to Roxylox]

Are you in the U.K. or abroad, I call people who need somebody to talk to. If you feel this way, you have a husband, have you told him. Please talk to somebody be it family, friend or G.P. Think of your family, before you do anything drastic. My daughter tried to kill herself, she failed thank God, she got help. She met her partner, they have a daughter of 20, if she had died I would not have a grandaughter.

[Hidden in reply to san_ray70]

Thank you san-ray70. I live in the U.S.

[Roxylox in reply to san_ray70]

I think you replied to my name instead of Kiki1000 there san_ray

[Hidden in reply to san_ray70]

My husband is a good person, but he has zero communication skills. When I talk to him, he is silent or I hear static on the other end of the phone. A few years back, my therapist at the time called my mom and my husband in for an emergency meeting and my mom could not care less. I feel like a burden. When I am met with silence and zero bugs, what else is there to think. My family does not want to deal with me, which equates to me as being a burden. My own husband can't even give me a hug.

[Hidden in reply to Roxylox]

Thank you, yes. I feel like each way I turn, I get kicked down. I am happy to connect with you. It would be nice. I have been told I am a good person, I care, I am empathetic, etc...but I am not treated like that. When I reach out a hand, I am constantly knocked down. My life has been this way since I was very young.

[Roxylox in reply to Hidden]

I know well what it is like not to be treated like a good person. It's great you have been told you are empathetic.

I am afraid to reach out too often . Have often been knocked back too. I have honestly found more underdtanding in this group than anywhere else.

I do think it's important to keep up interaction, even if it's only online.

I know what it is to always feel like the black sheep, undeservedly so, l think.

[Hidden in reply to Roxylox]

Yeah, I don't know it's the world that has changed and become so unkind. Even regular interactions....people do not want to take time to be kind or care.

[Roxylox in reply to Hidden]

People do seem to be very wrapped up in themseves.

Having stayed with my sister for a few nights lately for a family occasion l found she got easily irritated and dismissive of me. She seems to forget I was in a very bad place 6 years ago and suffered emotional trauma again just last year.

People seem to have very short memories. Do you think some of us are just extra sensitive or what? Are these people who dismiss us tougher than us?

Perhaps being the empathetic type makes us more prone to emotional pain ourselves.

[Hidden in reply to Roxylox]

We are more sensitive and even hyper aware, because our brain changes after trauma. It goes into flight or fight mode to keep us safe. Also, I believe, some of us are more empathetic, because of what we went through. I think we need kinder people in the world -like what I see on this site.

No, people are not tougher. They either didn't go through what we went through and are ignorant << or >>have a defense mechanism to not think about what they went through just to get through life. My sister jokes around a lot, but we went through the same stuff. You would think she is tough, but her brain is wired to hide things better and she has major issues whether she wants to believe it or not.

So it is NOT you. I care and I get what you're saying.

[Roxylox in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Kiki, very comprehensive reply. It also made me realise that she had her own trauma years ago and l probably didn't pay enough attention to that at the time.

She probably developed her own defence mechanisms back then.

You actually made me realise that I too was wrapped up in my own little world at that time.

[Hidden in reply to Roxylox]

It is good to acknowledge your sister, but I want to make sure you are getting validated too. It is a two way street. I don't know your situation, but it sounds like you need support from family at this time to get you through. For example, I am there for my sister and she is not always there for me.

[Roxylox in reply to Hidden]

I suppose you are right in a sense, but l am a little afraid to open up about some things, like my fear of people 's judgement.

Your last post kinda made me realise I have not always been there for my sister too.

You must be a patient person yourself to always be there for your own sister.

In your first post here, you say you feel worthless, goodness me you arr far from it. You are a wise person who gives good advice.

[Hidden in reply to Roxylox]

I will use my situation to help. Right now I am doing very bad, so if I don't take care of myself, I can't help others. It sounds like, right now, you need support. I am saying your sister could be kind about it and kind toward you even if she can't help or has her own issues. I hope this help.

[Roxylox in reply to Hidden]

I think she doesn't realise all the bad untrue stuff people spread about me, and I don't want to fill her in

It started with the manager of a care home I worked in Spreading rubbish after I left because of being bullied.

She was vengeful because I confronted her. She wanted to make them look good and me bad, so she completely bad-mouthed me. It worked all too well. I'm almost a hated figure locally since.

That's my sorry story. I'm sure lots of people on here are sick of hearing it by now. I believe my sister would say I'm imagining all the gossip. I know I'm not.

I hope you are able to find a way to help yourself, have you tried journalling? Lately I have found getting those feelings down on paper or on computer really helps.

[Hidden in reply to Roxylox]

I believe you. There is a lot of bullying even in corporate. My husband and I talk about it a lot. If you live in a small town, word does get around. I live in the U.S. and I am Italian American. The gossip on my sister's street alone can be turned into a reality show.

I have tried everything. People do not believe that either. I am 49 and I have years of trying things. One my therapists said, it is hard if I have PTSD, MDD with zero support. And, I don't want to keep bring it up...."Hey a little support her! " I am sick of having to do that. I feel if I were a cancer patient or had a heart attack, would I have to do that. It had made me really pissed off. I am sorry for being so negative, but I have hit a really bad place in my life. Thank you for listening. 🙏

Are you in the UK? I am in the US.

[Roxylox in reply to Hidden]

I am in Ireland. I believe the Irish can match the Italians for Gossip!

I have never been to a therapist. Would not pay the money. I would have thought it would be their job to offer you support.

I have bipolar, but it is very stable. Only had 2major highs in 30 years and 1 low so really can't complain much.

I do think l have a touch of Social Anxiety, although not diagnosed. My dread of people and certain events was naturally exacerbated by the workplace bullying and resultant gossip.

I truly feel the people on this site have helped me a lot. I now take an interest in some of their lives and can be very sad for them if they are sad.

I think most people whp come on herr are determined to say their piece. I think perhaps many have little support in the real world. Mind you we are telling our real story.

It's dreadful to think what the thoughtless cruelty of others has done to some of us.

Sometimes a throwaway remark can cause us deep pain.

You are so right that a physical illness would ve looked upon differently and people would be running to support us.

I think in my case my family think 'She's on the right tablet, she's fine'. I genuinely believe they think that's all it takes. They believe that old 'chemical imbalance' chestnut..

[Hidden in reply to Roxylox]

I've been to parts of Ireland. Very pretty. In America, we love to claim our heritage. Like third generation Irish decent. It could be 10th generation. Lol I am third generation Italian American. Italian Americans are very different than Italians you meet in Italy. Same with Irish Americans....not the same. St. Patrick's Day in America, everybody thinks they're Irish. Lol

Anyhow, it is the same here, however, my mom in her 70s doesn't believe in therapy or meds. She thinks it will all go away if I pray. 🙄 I wish.

[Roxylox in reply to Hidden]

We like to claim that most American presidents have Irish roots too.

Sorry for delay in answering, had dinner, collected daughter, had evening walk with hubby and dog.

I am Catholic who takes the best things from that religion. Don't believe in strict rules or discrimination.

It must be marvellous in a way to have faith such as your mother's.

[Hidden in reply to Roxylox]

My mom talks the talk about religion, but does not walk the walk.

[Roxylox in reply to Hidden]

Ah, bit of tension there. To be perfectly honest, those who spend the most time worshipping here can often be the most judgmental.

You do get a rare few in that section of the community who are truly good. Before I would visit a church and find it peaceful. Now Covid measures - hand sanitizer, ribbons dividing every second seat make

it very clinical.

Perhaps it is middle of the night where you are. I'm alwayd conscious of time when corresponding with those from the US. It's 5.45 am here.

[HoldingonLou]

I have days like that too. I am physically disabled. In the past, I have had days where I just could not get up. We are meant to be here though. In my faith, I believe we were made by a divine creator and have life for a purpose. I know what you mean by feeling like you disappeared and lost self. Those are some of the exact feelings I have had since my accident. I try to plan to be somewhere every other day. It helps if you have a friend or family member to hold you accountable to get up & show up. Even if I meet someone at the store or use my discount to help someone shop. It makes me get out of the house. It's weird, but if you are doing it for someone else's need, it takes the focus off of yourself, & I think we are more bound to do it. It helps to to have someone to talk too. I have used a counselor for help. I would be happy to share a number for a free counseling session to get you started. Let me know.

[Hidden in reply to HoldingonLou]

Thank you. I am so isolated after moving states, plus my mom and family are not supported. It is the worst situation for someone with MDD, PTSD. One therapist did not want to take me because I did not have support. I have been to therapists all my life. I had 1 that really helped me in my 20s. Since then, I have not found anybody effective. Plus medicines do not work. I go back and forth with my spirituality. I have had a hard life since I was little and it is kicking my butt. I have days where I just can't fight anymore.

[HoldingonLou in reply to Hidden]

Not all medicines are the same. There are many different resources to try now. Not all therapist are the same. Keep reaching out. Have you tried to find a support group? A therapist can usually connect you to a support group. If you need a counselor to talk to for free, I could give you a number to call. I don't know about where you live but if you call social services and ask them about a MDD support group they may be able to help. You are important.

[Hidden in reply to HoldingonLou]

I have literally tried all that. To talk for free, we have to have zero insurance. I am looking for a therapist now, it is $50 per session. I called 2 yesterday because I am in a bad state of mind. One does not deal with PTSD and the other never called back. Our insurance does not cover most new medicines or they are $50 per month. Mental health in the U.S

is not on par with other diseases, therefore, I feel like I am a second class citizen and I do not matter. Do you know when I had a breakdown the sheriff had to take me to a hospital all if the medical staff did not come in my room or worry about giving me my medicines. I am literally at the point where I have given up on myself.

[HoldingonLou in reply to Hidden]

I know everything is so expensive. I am glad you are calling around to get an appointment. Until you do get to talk to someone under your ins plan, I do have a number that allows the first session to be free to talk to you. They can probably also help you get an appointment your insurance will cover. It can't hurt to try. Don't give up.

[Hidden in reply to HoldingonLou]

Is it an online session? Are you in the U.S.? I am in the U.S. I ask, because I know there are people from the UK.

[HoldingonLou in reply to Hidden]

I'm in the U.S.

[Novaspark]

Hi Kiki1000, big hug for what you are going through. I find I can't talk to family about my emotional issues so I can understand what that is like for you. Hopefully here you will find some support to keep you going. I know what you mean about the drugs not working. It took me two years of constant drugs trying with lots of unpleasant side effects to finally find the medication that worked for my condition (MDD & GAD). Our government subsidises the cost of antidepressant medication and because of that reason my psychiatrist was forced to try certain medications with in an a specific order, in order to find the most cost effective drug possible for my condition. Also the medications for depression have to be slowly increased and slowly decreased before a new medication can be tried because of the danger of serious side effects when drugs mix. So even though it may take a long time and you may have some unpleasant side effects it is worth sticking with the routine even if it takes years because the drugs can really help you to cope a bit better. I find that these days even though I am taking some medication that has unpleasant side effects I have been given extra medication which also counteracts those side effects enabling me to cope enough to be able to work. And being able to work has given me new purpose in life. My work is one of the only things which is keeping me going at the moment.

Kiki1000 when I was feeling bad, days before I had found a medication that worked I couldn't have worked either. The drugs have enabled me to find new solidity in my life and helped me be able to re-educated myself to be able to work. The fact that you have internet access opens several opportunities for earning money which may be possible for you. I'm working full-time these days but in my spare time I'm always looking for opportunities to earn money online as I am trying to improve my situation and that of my family. Maybe some of the opportunities I have found may interest you. I have a board on pinterest full of online working opportunities. Here is my pinterest link.

pin.it/5UQ0Cs0

If you get on pinterest and send me a message I can share my secret money making opportunities board with you. I dont normally share it with the public as I'm hoping to make use of these ideas some day. I have been collecting ideas and websites for years. I think if you have a look at my board you may find something which appeals to you. But maybe you need to try medications first to be able to have the ability to concentrate on my ideas. Why did you decide drugs don't work for you? Were you sick of the side effects? I decided to live with side effects in order to regain some clarity in mind and capacity to cope with emotional turmoil. And these days I am coping well enough to be able to work.

I hope I'm not telling you things you don't want to hear. Maybe you can try giving drugs a go again? I wish a had the perfect solution to help with your emotional turmoil. Talking here helps and drugs may be an answer, but you have to make the choice to give it a go.

[Hidden in reply to Novaspark]

Thank you for caring. It does help. I have been trying medicines for 20 years. My system is sensitive.

[Roxylox in reply to Hidden]

Frankly I wouldn't be an advocate of trying loads of different drugs. My system is sensitive too. I don't believe in suffering horrible side effects.

Perhaps that's bad advice in a sense though as I have found one that suits me, so far anyway.

Maybe I was just lucky I didn't have a big search befor I found it.

[Hidden in reply to Roxylox]

I have been trying so many meds and I am just fed up.

[Arniestal]

I understand how you feel, i too feel lost, i no longer know who i am. So much of me has disappeared, things i enjoyed, intered in etc. Just a empty shell left. How do we get ourselves back? Do we ever return? I also think the morning is the worst time, start of another day to be got through. I have to be out all the time, to see othets moving about. Do you get out or do you stay in? Which i think would be worse.

[CAMBO1980]

Hi, I just joined here and noticed your post. I feel the same way. I have PTSD and anxiety. Went through a nervous break down. I've tried a few therapists for anxiety but they all told me to just "mediate". My doctor tried to prescribe me medication but it just made me sick. Last month I tried to find another therapist. The two I talked to said they weren't the "right fit". I feel so rejected and depressed. Nobody to talk to. No one who understands me. I dont have family for support. I dont have friends for support. My PTSD wont allow me to form relationships to find a partner. I have no confidence at work either and its affecting my performance. I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm crazy. I feel so lost. But I'm glad I found you. I dont feel so alone in all this.