Giving up

[BlueMoon29]

I don't think I can do this anymore. I've tried everything but nothing helps. I'm constantly depressed and just burst into tears all throughout the day. I feel like I'm living a Groundhog day only each day is filled with more bad news and worse pain. I have no joy in anything anymore, no hope for a better future. If you've lost those what do you have? There's no reason for me to be here and I should never have been born in the first place.

[hypercat54]

Well you were born and given life so you are meant to be here. I presume you have tried getting medical help ie meds and/or counselling?

[BlueMoon29 in reply to hypercat54]

Yes, both. My last therapist stopped seeing me because of an issue with my insurance so now I see another new one this week but I don't think it's going to help. I don't like meds and how they make me feel although I guess I'd rather feel numb and not in pain anymore.

[kenster1 in reply to BlueMoon29]

hi hope your new therapist goes well maybe take a notepad and jot down some coping mechanisms as us with anxiety tend to forget soon as we leave the building.it won`t work over night might even not improve for a few sessions but that doesn`t mean it won`t help.we just need to scale the highest mountain first the rest will feel like little hills.

[BlueMoon29 in reply to kenster1]

Thank you, I hope it goes well too

[clovergreen1207]

Hi bluemoon29, I hope I don't offend u by saying this but I completely understand what u mean. I feel like this most times too. Living is so hard sometimes right.. but u can't give up ok.. there are hundreds of people here who share your similar experiences. Maybe not exactly but we're all connected somehow... sometimes u just have to put one foot in front of the other and just start given when u feel like giving up. Tomorrow when u wake up, do maybe 1 productive thing as soon as you get up, like fix your bed. Then try another and another. My advice may not be the best sorry but this is how I get by on my worst days.

[BlueMoon29 in reply to clovergreen1207]

Not offended at all. I know others feel the same and for that I feel horrible. I wouldn't wish pain like this on anyone. The problem is there's no more want to try. I struggle through doing the most minute things and usually end up crying or frustrated. I just think I've lost my will to keep trying.

[samack in reply to BlueMoon29]

I know how it goes. I lost motivation and desire for anything. I'm starting yet again from. Ground Zero. I want to give up many times, and yet I keep going on. Its like climbing several Mt. Everest one after another. God knows why we have such hardships in life. I feel that I was a mistake too. So goes the randomness of life. I am not too much help for you, but wanted you to know you're not alone in this.

[BlueMoon29 in reply to samack]

Thank you. I'm sorry you're feeling the same. I wish no one ever had to go through this. I'd normally have something encouraging to say but I don't have any positive thoughts anymore either.

[clovergreen1207 in reply to BlueMoon29]

I understand. When you've reached that point where you know physically and mentally nothing you do can get you out of your thought space, then it's really hard to come out of it.. I hope your next session with your new therapists helps.. even a little bit..

[BlueMoon29 in reply to clovergreen1207]

Thank you, hopefully

[mitch404]

Life can be extremely challenging. What helps me through the most difficult moments is having private conversations with G-d and spending time near bodies of water like lakes or rivers. Although I’m also not a big fan of medicine, it has helped me through rough patches.

[BlueMoon29 in reply to mitch404]

I like the water too but currently without a car and no desire to really leave my bed lately. Might take the meds just to feel nothing.

[Midori in reply to BlueMoon29]

Are you bedbound through choice or necessity?

If it is through choice, you are harming yourself further, Laying in bed ruins your fitness, steals your muscle tone and leaches Calcium from your bones, which will eventually lead to Osteoporosis.

I'm a retired Nurse, and taking to your bed with depression will not help.

You will not be able to function at all soon if you don't get some exercise, and as your muscles contract, eventually you won't be able to straighten your limbs at all.

Yes, I am trying to frighten you into action.

Stretching your muscles is the first step, and they are probably already stiff, See your doctor about blood tests, you will probably need Vitamin D with calcium as your body will rob your bones of calcium if you don't get out in the daylight. Daylight on your skin helps to convert vitamin A to vitamin D, especially when it is sunny.

Get into your yard, or a park, anywhere other than your bed, and your home. Walk, even if it's only a few steps, exercise bands will help to strengthen those muscles again, swimming is good, Tai Chi is a good exercise, low impact, but constantly moving from position to position.

You may need to see a Physiotherapist to get some better stretching exercises.

Cheers, Midori

[BlueMoon29 in reply to Midori]

I'm just too depressed to move some days. I do have a few physical ailments that sometimes cause pain too. I try to at least do small cleaning everyday but that's usually all I can get through. It's like a cinder block on my brain that paralyzes me.

[Midori in reply to BlueMoon29]

I've been there, and know the truth of what I said through experience. I was 15 years with an abusive husband, abusive physically, mentally, spiritually, financially and every other way you could think of. He alienated me from family and friends, and did his utmost to make me unemployable. He wanted me totally dependent on him.

When I finally ran, with my two small children to a refuge, I was transferred to a different part of the country so he couldn't find me.

I applied for a restraining order, and filed for divorce. When he realised I meant it this time, he suicided. His family blamed me, going so far as to report that I murdered him; but I had gotten the police to break into the house and I was with them, so I could get belongings, and they found it locked and bolted from inside, so they knew I couldn't have done it.

He had slashed all my clothes and broken almost all my belongings, torn up my books, etc. It looked as if he'd totally lost his mind. He was known to the police for abuse already.

I too took to my bed and had the devil of a fight to get back on my feet, but I had to because of the children. I was the only stability they had.

They were too young for school then, but they have made it through to adulthood and I'm proud they have done so well; It could have been so different.

Cheers, Midori

[BlueMoon29 in reply to Midori]

Wow, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. You're a strong person to have overcome all of that ❤

[Midori in reply to BlueMoon29]

Necessity was the driving force. I was all the children had. I had to get strong for them.

[BlueMoon29 in reply to Midori]

Yes you were lucky to have had them, they helped to save your life.

[Penny2902]

I feel the exact same way. I have no joy in anything I do anymore. I use to love my job and now I can hardly make it through the day without breaking down. I know mine stems from my recent breakup of being cheated on repeatedly, not being where I thought I’d be in life at this point, feeling like I’ll never get the things I want in life because the ones I cannot control are the ones that are absolutely crushing me. I do t know what to do anymore either or how to make it through the days. I’m so lonely and just want to be good enough. What do you think yours stems from?

[BlueMoon29 in reply to Penny2902]

I'm sorry to hear that. We're definitely not alone in our feelings but that doesn't exactly make you feel better. I've always had anxiety and depression. Grew up in rough living situations, abuse, rape, bad relationships. More recently without a job, car and money, heartbreak and the death of my dad, step-dad and a brother all just in this year. It's like every day is just worse than the next.

[Penny2902 in reply to BlueMoon29]

I’m sorry you are going through all of that and all of this pain. Just know that there has to be a point where it will get better. I’m trying to focus on the little things in life and make a point to be thankful for at least one thing a day. It’s hard and I don’t know if it will work but at this point I have to try something or I don’t know how much longer I can make it. If there’s anything I can do to help please let me know.

[BlueMoon29 in reply to Penny2902]

The same goes for you. I'm at least a good listener, used to be good at advice. I did just see something that broke my heart, 3 young teens killed in a car accident by a drag racer. I felt guilty for hating my life so much while they wish they could have theirs back. I'd give them mine if I could.

[Penny2902 in reply to BlueMoon29]

I understand completely how you feel. It’s hard to hear the “be thankful for what you have because it couldAlways be worse” thing people always say but there has to be some truth to it when you hear about stuff like that.

[BlueMoon29 in reply to Penny2902]

There is and realistically I know things could be even worse and appreciate the small things I do have. But I'm still in pain and don't know how to get rid of it.

[Agora1]

Hi BlueMoon, as long as you have a breath in you, there is a reason you are here.It comes from within all of us. Sometimes we need to become our own advocates

when nothing else seems to work.

Feeling numb and in pain comes from unresolved issues in our lives. We either accept

them and work around them or we go into a deep hole and try to hide. (which doesn't work)

There is always that inner strength within us that is waiting to be released. Waiting for

us to take that first step into the unknown. When we do, it pushes our fears and depression

aside for a while making us feel "alive" even for a moment.

That is when the healing starts. Believing in yourself will come eventually.

Not focusing on the darkness and negativity in your life but the positivity that can come

from this life experience. xx

[BlueMoon29 in reply to Agora1]

I used to be strong but not anymore. It's all taken a toll on me and I feel drained. I can't think of anything positive happening. I just feel like this is it for me.

[samack in reply to BlueMoon29]

yep. Its an awful feeling.

[Jrick34]

Don't.....just don't....you're meant to be here

[BlueMoon29 in reply to Jrick34]

Only to experience pain like I'm hated by the universe or cursed

[samack in reply to BlueMoon29]

I know that icky feeling. I curse at the powers that be because I feel like I'm being shixxed upon. I am trying so hard to extricate myself from all this. You are not alone.

[BlueMoon29 in reply to samack]

I don't know why some people go through constant hell and others don't. It's making me bitter and hateful. I don't know what makes us turn on ourselves.

[samack in reply to BlueMoon29]

thats the question, why do we turn on ourselves? They say rage/anger turned inward. You have good memories, I don't. The moments were all too brief. So you will have something already known to you to reach towards. I have to invent scenarios for the future. Thats even worse. I don't know what to draw on.

[BlueMoon29 in reply to samack]

I do the same then end up getting my hopes up. I honestly don't see a future for me. I never have though. I never envisioned a real life for myself.

[samack in reply to BlueMoon29]

Are you or have you addressed your trauma? Probably a dumb question. Thats what I'm doing now. You've been through a lot. One day, it can seem like out of the blue, we break open and it a ll comes tumbling out, faster than we can handle. All the pain, all the self hate, all the memories and on and on. This happened to me and I've been just barely keeping my head above quicksand. Any minute getting too exhausted to try anymore. The ever present downward pull and waiting for someone to take a rope and pull me out.

No one shows up and I get enraged. And then I go for a long night sleep, the only time I feel peaceful. Morning comes and I'm back to the struggle. Maybe trauma therapy will help me figure out how to get myself out of the Hellish spiral I'm in. Maybe not. 50/50, I fearfully move towards the positive 50 and see what happens.

[BlueMoon29 in reply to samack]

Yea last year was really in depth with my therapy. It honestly made me feel worse. Although with no work, nowhere to go, just sitting alone everyday all I have time to do is think. Nights are the hardest. The dark along with my thoughts give me great panic. I've been relying on valium to sleep lately. I hope your therapy works for you. I'm always here to listen. I'm not as good with advice right now but I'll always listen.

[yankeesguy]

Hi BlueMoon, you're not alone. I'm rooting for you and I hope you'll keep going. I don't know how good my advice is, if it applies to you, etc. But might be worth a try, since I know my therapist asks me to do this in similar circumstances. Ask yourself what is good in your life. What about the basics? Are you at home? A roof over your head at least? Are you breathing? If you have any of those basics, that's something good. And try thinking to yourself, even if you have no joy now, have you had joy at any point? If there's something, you might as well think back on it and appreciate it. Maybe there's a path back to it, or something similar, somehow? If it doesn't feel like it, might as well not dwell on that last question too much. Every day you make it through, especially with all you're going through, is worth celebrating. It may seem like it requires too much effort to celebrate or feel like something you don't deserve. But that might be effort that's worth scrounging up. And you do deserve it. I don't even know you but I promise you, you do.

[BlueMoon29 in reply to yankeesguy]

I don't have my own place but am staying with a friend. I can't think much of anything good lately. I am usually a very grateful person but my moods are just wicked lately. Because of that I feel like a horrible person. When I think of good times I did have it just makes me sad because I feel I'll never have those again. I'm just so negative lately and I hate it, I hate myself. I hate that I've gotten so weak. I do appreciate your kind words though, thank you.

[yankeesguy in reply to BlueMoon29]

Ok, there's two great things you have: a place to stay and a friend. Based on what you've said, sounds like you've been through a lot before and are dealing with a lot now. I see in your other comments you've mentioned dealing with a lot of abuse and other struggles in life. For better or worse, out of necessity, you've been a survivor. That's a huge, incredible achievement. Might not be worth thinking about much either but you have clearly had to be very strong for a long time. It's ok for you to be weak. It's ok to slip up and be in a bad mood. Everybody needs a break. You deserve more opportunities to be weak, honestly. And how do you think you'd treat yourself if you were a friend of yours or a stranger on this message board posting the same things? Would you tell them you hate them? It's ok for you to give yourself the courtesy that you might give others. It might not feel like you deserve it, but like I said last comment, you do. (And even if not, could be worth trying!)

[BlueMoon29 in reply to yankeesguy]

I know it sounds silly. I'd never tell someone else they were hated or weak because of their problems but I'm my own worst enemy. When you go through abuse you start to believe the bad things told to you and believe you deserve all the bad things that happened/happen to you. At least you and everyone else here understand that. I've talked to people before who made it seem like I had an off switch to make everything better, like I enjoy being this way. I'd give anything to feel happiness again.

[Midori]

You need to summon what strength you have to say to yourself, (repeatedly if need be) that you are better than this, you do not deserve what Life has thrown at you, and resolve to fight every nagging little thought that you are not good enough. Tell the little internal voice which says that you'll never be good enough to take a hike. it speaks with the voices of everyone who has ever told you that you are not good enough. Tell it you will be the judge, not it. Don't let the little naggy voice win.

Cheers, Midori

[BlueMoon29 in reply to Midori]

You're absolutely right. I started to believe all of those negative things said about me and thought hating and blaming myself was easier to do. But all it's done is bring me down more. You settle for less than you deserve when you don't even love yourself.