Saying No

[BrownEyesBlue]

Does anyone else have as difficult a time as I do saying no? I’m not feeling well; my anxiety is acting up and I’ve been getting through a depression episode. My Dad has a personal care provider who we all adore. She’s going through a rough time herself and deals with mental health issues.

Today my niece asked me to watch her two little ones tomorrow and I gladly accepted as I find time spent with them always make me feel better. Some incidents occurred for the worker for my Dad, and I know it’s a stressful time for her, and she asked me to cover for her. I had to tell her no, that I already had things planned. I feel like a horrible person. Take into consideration that this involved cleaning my Dad (ALL of him) which is why my family and I decided home care was needed as we all saw the toll this was taking on my mental health.

I feel like a crappy human tonight because I said no. And I’m scared of what may or may not happen because I said no.

Was I wrong?

[Fearoffear]

I feel you 💯!! I was doing the full carer for my sons and I finally gave in and got an outside carer to do their daily maintenance. Of course it falls back on me when she isn't here. When she asks if she can leave 10-20 minutes early because they aren't needing her anymore I usually do, she is great with them. But the other day it was half hour before she was to leave and I was having an IBS day and she asked and I refused. She was showed for a minute but when I said I would like her to stay until my husband got home because I wasn't feeling well she understood. I also made her wait an extra week to take her vacation because I had to find a replacement since covid has the company running low on aides. Don't feel guilty she is getting paid to do a job and even though she is having a rough time the company should be the one she seeks time off from and they can send an aide to replace her if they have one. This is your time out to decompress and do what makes you feel happy and take your anxiety down. I hope this helped but I turned my guilt receptors off to workers because it is their job they applied for and got they know the demands of the job. Gentle hugs 🫂🫂

[BrownEyesBlue in reply to Fearoffear]

Thank you. I’m the same; I’ve let her go early and even given her the afternoon off when my Dads been good and I can handle things. I felt bad saying no but I had another commitment. I did contact the company to see if we can arrange an extra relief worker when these situations crop up.

[TheGalician]

BrownEyes

Guilt is such a horrible emotion since it sucks you dry and gives almost nothing in return other than to begin to explore the source of that guilt.

There is, in my experience, an art to saying no. For me, it is about having the confidence to create a pause - a safe space - between the question and the answer so I have time to think. But, in your case it is one of those sad situations where we have made a commitment and we have to honour what we have agreed even though we may want to help another. There is, from reading your post, very little that you should feel guilty about.

I think that to say you already “had things planned” was doing a disservice to you since the reality is that you had already made a commitment to someone else that it would not be fair or right to break. It is a core value. So, it might have been helpful to have said how much you valued her and found a way to explore how you might help her in the future given that it would not be right to break the commitment (or covenant) you made to another. Your scenario seems to offer a situation where you had little choice but to say no which makes me wonder about your upbringing and what would happen to you when you did say no.

I do not understand why you are “scared of what may or may not happen because I said no”. I think it would be helpful if you could expand on this since it seems to relate to an underlying issue that is hinted at but not expressed.

Finally, at the same time as I saw your message, my wife sent me a TikTok about how to use your body to help you know when it is right to say yes or no. It is an odd coincidence (or synchronicity) which made me want to share the video. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to do that.

Love G

[CoderMom]

End-of-life care is difficult for families. Wish you all the best!