Advice to improve lackluster social life?

[johnjune]

Hi I'm looking for some advice in improving my mental health by taking care of my social life. My experiences of socializing with people are quite traumatizing to me that to this day I still feel on edge talking with strangers, acquantinces and even friends. Often I turn stiff and silent and awkwardly talk my way around them. This is still a great source of my depression and one I want to make some improvements on to alleviate the toil it takes on my mental health. Just for your information I have always been taking a holistic approach in healing, such as involving myself with the community, working out, finding hobbies doing what I like but this area of my life hasn't seen much improvement and I'm a bit lost at what to do. Any suggestions?

[hypercat54]

Hi the best advice I can give you is not to concentrate on how awkward you feel but instead making conversing with you a pleasant experience for other people. In other words being aware that if you are ill at ease with others they probably will be with you. Do you want people to see this in you?

The other thing is make sure you aren't breaking unwritten social rules ie standing too close to others and invading their personal space. If you aren't sure of these rules then watch and learn how other people react.

[johnjune in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks for this piece of advice. I hope that one day I'll actually stop zooming in on my anxiety.

[hypercat54 in reply to johnjune]

Don't forget that you aren't the only person who finds talking to others difficult as many people do. Assume the other person does and do your best to put them at ease. Think what you would like others to do for you.

This is important as it is about looking outward rather than inward.

[johnjune in reply to hypercat54]

It's very easy to miss that now that I think about it. Do you share a similar experience? Have you experienced any success?

[hypercat54 in reply to johnjune]

Yes and yes but I won't say anything about myself due to privacy reasons as your post isn't locked to this community.

[johnjune in reply to hypercat54]

Private message?

[hypercat54 in reply to johnjune]

Sorry I only pm people I am friends with as I find it hard to trust people. When I know you a bit better then maybe but not until then I'm afraid.

[johnjune in reply to hypercat54]

Okay that's fair, seeing as I'm a very new member.

[Hidden]

Still, you are taking a pro-active approach and that is awesome!🌸

[Hidden]

When we suffer Depression and Anxiety we can show your uncertainties to others who feel uncertain towards you because of your attitudes to them. So you may feel to try and relax and listen to others before you try and gush out all your babble. Show an interest in fheir conversation. keep your thought to yourself and listen to others responsis .this should help you gain confidence in other people. Do try and keep your converation general try not to discuss your worries and fears, You need to show general intrest in others

BOB

[johnjune in reply to Hidden]

Thank you this really helped me put conversation into perspective.

[endofheartache1290]

This type of anxiety is always the most difficult because unfortunately the only real way to make progress is to do the thing you fear. However, there is a catch, you can't just walk right into an uncomfortable situation and expect that to get easier over time. It won't happen and in fact will make you worse than you were before. So to start with I would push your comfort zone a little bit. Maybe wave to a neighbor or say to someone at the store. But no more than that. And each time you step slightly out of that comfort zone reward yourself. Take the time you need to work on the anxiety and build from there. So when you are comfortable with doing that you can maybe start doing small talk. Not long but if you are standing in line maybe ask someone how they are. Or ask them if they are enjoying the weather, if the weather is nice. Then work on the anxiety for this action. And build again from there when you are comfortable. I know it's agonizing at times because we feel we should just be able to go talk to people but unfortunately it takes time and we have to work on the anxiety before anything else. Now once the anxiety is managed, the best thing you can do is be yourself. I know it's an old cliche but people tend to be able to stop fakeness pretty easily. If you are not the funny one, don't try to be kevin hart and make a bunch of jokes. If you are not a joke, don't talk about going to the gym and protein. Those are extreme examples of course but you get the point. You don't have to be anyone other than who you are because that will always be good enough on it's own. So stick to being yourself. And probably the most helpful hint I can give is get more comfortable being vulnerable with people. Now this does not mean let everyone into your private world. That is for close friends only and that is okay but be open to expressing your feelings. Meaning if you are nervous, say that you are nervous. I know we tend to think that if others know we are nervous they will judge us or think we are weak but its the opposite. People get hurt when they can see something is wrong but you close them off. They actually prefer the honestly and will probably work to make you more comfortable if you admit you are nervous. I know it sounds wrong because everyone is always like be confident but I ask you want is more confident then literally admitting your own fears? I hope this helps.

[Julian67 in reply to endofheartache1290]

Hmm. That’s helpful. I find I am also letting people know it was a pleasure to see them, hear their stories, spend time because I am aloof and want to leave those I interact with a feeling of being appreciated…especially during these uncomfortable (for all of us) years

[endofheartache1290 in reply to Julian67]

That is also a good point. If you are enjoying yourself, say so. People do like to hear those things.

[johnjune in reply to endofheartache1290]

Very practical info thanks!

[Rafiki11]

I suggest setting a goal of having two or three close friends EVENTUALLY instead of trying to have a better social life.

A great place to find friends is at work or at a volunteer opportunity. Somewhere that people are passionate about what you’re passionate about.

[johnjune in reply to Rafiki11]

I like your thinking thx.

[Kainan]

I think for starters just initiating the interaction is a good start. If you greet other people first, it takes away the pressure from you. It shows that you're taking an interest in them and you come off as friendly. And that can lead anywhere just going with the flow of the conversation.

[thebeigecarpet in reply to Kainan]

This is interesting. It seems like a daunting thing to do but I think I will try it someday. I just need to figure out what I'll say after "hello". 😅

[Kainan in reply to thebeigecarpet]

I wouldn’t think there’s much to figure out beforehand unless it’s someone you’ve been talking with for awhile. If it’s the first interaction, it would be more situational. Like the usual small talk. Picking up on small things is useful and can steer the conversation into many different directions, which would be hard if you had something already planned in your mind 👍

[thebeigecarpet in reply to Kainan]

Wow, thanks. 🙂

[thebeigecarpet]

I feel on edge when talking to people too. I wonder if I'm saying the right things, or if I am being eloquent, or if I am rambling too much, or if I'm boring to talk to. So many things go through my mind and I end up being calculative about everything I do, from eye contact to my clothes, to my facial expressions, everything. It can be really exhausting. I'm saying all of this to say that you are not alone in this regard. I have been wanting to make new friends for years, and even deepening the little I already have. I really hope that you feel encouraged knowing that other people are in the same boat as you. Thanks for asking this question, because through your replies I am able to get some good advice.

[johnjune in reply to thebeigecarpet]

Thanks for your reply, very close to home. I hope one day that we will just let go of it and be calm and sure of ourselves that we can steer ourselves in our own beautiful unique way.

[Ramjets]

Hi, if verbal communication makes you anxious maybe you can ease yourself into it by expressing yourself non-verbally. Do you have any creative interests such as painting, pottery, sculpting etc? If so, maybe you could consider joining an art class or such where you can express yourself through being creative and be among others doing the same. After the inital anxiety you might find that you start to feel comfortable enough to start chatting to others who share your interests. The same could be applied to any other hobbies/interests if art doesn't float your boat. You should feel positive that you are looking to make improvements and try not to focus too much on the bigger picture. Baby steps will still get you where you want to be so just set yourself one small task at a time. Good luck! x

[johnjune in reply to Ramjets]

Thanks I definitely like the idea of hobbies it has built my confidence in many areas even socially.