I’m breaking and am about to break further

I’m currently working a job that I hate. Everyday is filled with anxiety so intense that my chest feels tight nearly every second of the day. Then my brain shuts off from being anxious, tired and just for the fact I have had trouble focusing my whole life. I’ve been trying to find a new job and even talked to my manager about switching positions (which didn’t go well since I haven’t been here long, but I can already tell this is something I cannot do for much longer). I don’t know what to do. This job is crippling me to the point where I go home and try and sleep because I’m beaten down and then can’t because I don’t want to wake up the next day for work. On top of that I hung out with a girl for the second & third time after leaving college (where I hung out with her only once before). We had a good weekend. The first night she told me she liked me and then at the end of second night things were slightly off because I got down and just kept saying sorry (which I know is weird). I texted her Sunday saying I had a good time and she said the same. Then I mentioned seeing her again and she said yes I’ll keep you updated I have a busy week. Then a few more texts and she stopped responding. I haven’t heard from her all week and am getting anxious about if she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. Should I text her again and see what she’s up to or wait for her to respond? I want to see if this will go somewhere because it seemed like there was a chance but without talking to her I’m just confused if I messed things up. Idk I’m just confused and I can see dark times coming.

[Tara52]

I am so sorry that you haven't been feeling well. All I know is that a relationship isn't the answer to make you happy. We have to find satisfaction in our lives (jobs included) before we go looking for a relationship). Its not a girlfriends job to make you happy. She can probably sense you are not happy. Find out what type of work you would enjoy and pursue that before a relationship.🙂

[012703060610]

Hi there. I can completely empathize with the dread of a job. A year ago, I was beyond misery. Was working remote, home schooling kids, working until midnight. On top of that, I had a new boss who simply decided not to communicate with me. I worked myself so hard that in February this year I collapsed and ended up in the hospital. I had lost 40 pounds and I am tiny. I was passing out regularly, food wasn't getting absorbed. I have only been able to gain 10 pounds back since March when I took leave from work. I do have great disability offering with my employer. However, each time I needed to produce new documents ... it put me in a spiral to even communicate with someone at my company. My sincere advice (and thank you Tara52) is to first look inward. I had a Mayo consult given the severity of my weight loss. They spent 90 minutes with me and I kid you not....in the end they said I needed to figure out how to be away from work and other stressors for 6 months. Yes my ailments are real, but the stress of the job is too much. My cortisol levels were through the roof. Today, I quit my job about an hour ago. I have three young kids, lots of expenses and total fear. I am taking the time I need. I don't know what that looks like, but when I looked inward, I didn't like who I was becoming. If you can figure out how to manage your job without stress, focus on a new career or change, or if you can take a small break, I think it is worth it. What do you value and what do you want in the next 10 years? For me, it came down to being a better Mother. If I have to sell the house, I'll do it. Regarding a relationship, I have tried new ones when I was in dark places. They never worked. I hadn't done the work on myself. My kids are a product of a time when I felt desperate to be in a relationship. I rushed into marriage and we got pregnant right away. Seven years later we were divorced. I understand why he divorced me. I had started to grow and change as I found my footing and he liked the part where he felt he was caring for me and in charge. You aren't alone!

[ongaku666]

Hi,

I can't help you in any practical way but I can suggest this:

Try on a regular basis throughout the day to stop, take a deep long breath and center yourself in the moment, inside yourself.

Remind yourself you're not in any immediate danger so your anxiety needs to chiiiiiill out!

Also although I cannot help you to remove the stress of work or find a new job, you can remind your self and your anxiety (since you're living together now, as I say to myself lol), that there IS ALWAYS an end to the pain and suffering and so there will be an end to your bad experience.

Obviously it's up to you and the moment, to make decisions to change your situation and look for a "safer" job or grasp opportunities that come your way perhaps.

Nonetheless you might feel powerless but you're not, that's what the anxiety is trying to convince you of.

I know it might sound too simple but unfortunately your brain keeps repeating to yourself that there's no end to it, but that isn't true.

You want to take control at least of those negative thoughts and feelings and then let go of what you cannot control (pretty much everything else).

Re: the girl, given the state you're in.. Don't fret, don't force things to happen when they might not. Relationships are not trains you have to catch, they don't work like that. You also don't know her situation so it might not be a good time for either of you, who knows.

I know spending time with others is comforting in very stressful situations, but it doesn't teach coping skills for your problems. First deal with your negative thoughts (which seems to come out when she's around as well?), then calmly get in touch with her and check if she's available. Not responding is not nice I know, but if that's her choice you should respect it anyway.

[PositivePD in reply to ongaku666]

Great response!

[Hidden]

Hey Hidden sending u positive vibes, I can feel your panic and worry.

I agree with others who have mentioned the riskiness of getting into a relationship when your life has some elements that need sorting first. In my experience it can be disastrous. I wish I had heeded this same advice in my life, honestly.

Re the job, if like most of us it isnt an option to resign, I think an open and honest conversation with your superior about what would make the fit more comfortable might be a good option. Imagine a work life that feels positive - what 3 things would need to shift for that to be reality. Is it your training level/competence/confidence - because you could get support for that for example. Is it something else? If you think it out and have solutions you can approach your manager with a clear and realistic path forward.

In the long run, if this job just isnt a right fit (I have been there) - then you will find something that fits better in time, just summons the motivation and energy to go searching/researching etc by imagining your life in a new role feeling happy and in control. It is so worth the extra energy and time it will take!!

Above all things, make sure you don't get too lost in your negative thoughts. Talk to people, see your doctor, be truthful about your concerns or limits with your bosses. Don't spiral out.

All things pass, this too shall pass.

xx

[Hidden]

Thank you everyone for your stories and advice. Means the world to me. I really do need to work on myself. I really thought I was doing okay for a bit and found some light at the end of the tunnel through this girl when it came to coping with my issues at my job and personal issues. That couldn’t be more wrong. I have always had a hard time being happy with myself. I really don’t like myself at all and need to find a way to do so. All my life I’ve used relationships as a crutch to help me through my own internal hatred and that’s why they have all ended so incredibly poorly and with so much pain. I was about to do the same with her and that’s not fair to anyone. Not using them in terms of wanting things from them or take advantage of their kindnesss but just in terms of having someone who loves me because I do not love myself. Everyone knows it feels good to have someone love you but I just have been unable to find a way to love myself yet. I really liked this girl and now that she’s gone it does hurt but further serves as a lesson to try and seek help to really love myself. All of your posts have really helped me put this situation into perspective.

[ongaku666 in reply to Hidden]

" having someone who loves me because I do not love myself. "

oh my, we've all been there trust me!

I am glad we've managed to nudge you in the right direction and don't worry, once you're more comfortable with yourself, all kinds of people will be interested in you!

Compassion is maybe something you want to start with; we're often lovely and caring with others but have such a hard time showing empathy to our emotions and struggles or can even have a rather mean inner voice that criticises ourselves without mercy.

Wishing you a wholesome and liberating journey of self-care!👋

[Wooded_Trail]

I can relate to the job situation and in a different way to your relationship situation. I am older, 56 to be exact, so my perspective is from an older generation.

I grew up in a pretty chaotic home life. I had a dad that was a bit of a workaholic and struggled connecting with my brother and I (because his dad was a abusive father). My mom was selfish and extremely manipulative, raised as a very spoiled child by her dad (who was also an alcoholic). I only had one sibling, a younger brother, who seemed to enjoy socially humiliating me as well as tormenting me with stuff like "goosing" me for hours on end. Needless to say, I developed serious anxiety, along with ADHD, and I also learned to use selfishness at home to protect myself from lack of support and true love amongst my family members.

My current job is very chaotic. Most days I dread going to work because of the work itself. I do have a supportive operations boss and HR boss, so that part is good. But the absolute chaos of the job and volume of work causes me to have a lot of anxiety "episodes," like you. I also go through some periods where my brain can't even figure out what to do next on my piling list of tasks. One thing that has helped me is a lot of deep breathing. I can stand up, walk away, and come back to my desk a few minutes later - that sometimes helps. In the end, it is still a battle with the anxiety.

I have been fortunate to have a wife of 25 years that has put up with a lot of stuff and stuck it out with me, even with many fails on my part. I faked a lot of past marital counseling earlier because I wasn't truly committed to change, and honestly, was stubborn and selfish about change because true, lasting change is hard work and scary. I am trying harder now to stay focused on my family by using visual reminders (I am a very visual learner), such a family photo right below my computer display at work.

As far as your female interest, I'd say she is not interested in continuing the relationship based on my past dating experiences and what you communicated. It is hard to move on, for sure, but I would chalk it up to "this would not have been the right person for me RIGHT NOW." I know it sucks to let go of someone you really liked, but keep focused on the fact that while she might have some good shared interests and qualities, she would not be a good match for you at this point in your life. You may even end up finding someone else who truly gets your anxiety (maybe she will have anxiety as well) and understands all of the apologizing that goes with it.

There is a better potential girl out there for you that will probably be a better long-term partner.