I don’t want to be a mom anymore

[PeaceandWar]

One of my deepest secrets is that I don’t want to be a mother. I have a three year old son whom I love more than I love myself and I care about his well being but I don’t want him full time. I want to live my life with the freedom I used to have before him. His father can’t take care of him because he hasn’t had a place of his own in 10 years, he’s a drug addict, alcoholic, and narcissistic. I didn’t know how much responsibility it took to take care of a child and I don’t want to do it anymore. I just want to come around when I want to and then go live my life. It’s like I want to give him to another family but come around when I want too. It’s selfish and fuxxed up but it’s real. I’m not meant to be a mother.

[Rafiki11]

Do you always feel like this or is there some depression at play in these feelings?

Is there someone who loves him unconditionally and who is always there for him? Your son deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him at least 6 days out of 7. Everyone needs a break sometimes.

[PeaceandWar in reply to Rafiki11]

There could be some depression. I’m the only one who’s always here. I care for him a lot but he’s overwhelming. I can only be a full time parent for two months and then I want someone else to take care of him. The only help I get is from his fathers side and they can’t take full custody of him. I still want him to have his own room with me but I want him when I want him not all the time.

[Rafiki11 in reply to PeaceandWar]

This is not fair to him. He deserves to be with someone who wants him full time. This instability is doing irreparable damage to his soul.

There are a lot of families facing infertility who can’t wait to love a child full time.

[Foxfur in reply to Rafiki11]

Yikes, your response has such a negative vibe, this is supposed to be a safe place for people to be honest and reach out for help. Please consider how vulnerable Panda is and how your words could actually make things mentally worse...

[Rafiki11 in reply to Foxfur]

I only want the best for Panda. I do not judge her. I admire her honesty. Most people would lie to themselves and others. I know she wants what is best for her son.

In my experience, three year olds need stability. Being with mom for two months and then being with aunt until mom feels better is not stable. These formative years are critical. His experiences now will shape his entire future.

[Rafiki11 in reply to PeaceandWar]

americanadoptions.com/pregn...

[EsmeLu in reply to PeaceandWar]

This won’t always be the way. He’s growing up and away from the time he needed you most. One day you’ll wish you could go back to when he was a baby.

[Hidden]

Well, I don't mean to sound harsh, but like it or not, you are. I can see youre in a tough situation there . Do you have any family or resources that can help you financially??? Kids need love, but they also need new clothes and diapers and a good education. Maybe you could look into an open adoption to try to find a couple that would like to adopt that could give your child a better life. That was just a thought, it's of course totally your call. I'm a 50 year old woman who never had children, because I knew I just wasn't going to have kids unless I had a husband and good income to give them a decent life. I have a sister who was a single mom for a long time, she really had it rough. My parents ultimately decided to let her and her son live with them, my mom really made some sacrifices. We made the best out of a bad situation. Her son is now 22.

[PeaceandWar in reply to Hidden]

I have considered an open adoption. It's not an excuse but I've been through a lot of trauma in my life that's altered the way I think. I was tricked into the pregnancy in the first place. Like I said I love him but I know what I have to offer and I don't want my mentality messing him up. I'm not normal and of course my baby loves me regardless but he doesn't understand the bigger picture. My mother is a drug addict and my father doesn't exist. My grandparents are dead and my other family are spread out across the states and couldn't care less.

[Hidden in reply to PeaceandWar]

I'm really sorry to hear that. That has got to be a very rough way to grow up.

[Rafiki11 in reply to PeaceandWar]

I think an open adoption with a loving family is the healthiest option for both of you. You can focus on healing for yourself and he will have more stability in his life.

I am sorry to hear about all the pain you’ve gone through. ❤️

[Clarrisa]

This sounds to me like a situation where a Social Worker might be helpful to speak to. Is there not any daycare he could attend for a portion of the day to provide you some free time to yourself? I remember my younger sister hired another mother to watch her child as the mother watched over her own kids during the week. Many churches (in the states) offer daycare & I’d wager to bet sliding scales for parents in need.

Sometimes parents misdirect their feelings towards each other placing them onto their children. It can even be unconscious. You want to make certain by seeing a therapist if necessary you are not doing that.

In the blink of an eye you will turn around before you know it, mark my word & find you are elderly & the one now in great need! Your sacrifice now may pay you big dividends in the future. However it appears you may not see this light now without some form of professional counseling.

[b1b1b1 in reply to Clarrisa]

This is exactly true. I don't know what I would do without my son now.

[Zara0123 in reply to b1b1b1]

Same here going through a separation soon and my two sons 18 and 15 have become my biggest strength (always have been) the love I didn't get from my husband my sons have given me. Please get help Pandasandpeace as this could just be a phrase. Talk to a professional person and see what options you have. I don't want you to regret it further down the line. Sending love and no judgement in my answer ❤

[leaningonjesus]

i have to commend you for being so real and honest. i have felt these exact ways you do. i can relate. wow. for you to be so honest and open and truthful- not many people do that. i used to think i was effed up for feeling these same ways. but alot of people do, they just dont have the courage to come out and be real like you have.praying for you. if u ever need to talk please message me. ive been there and the lord changed my heart and mind. Only God can change these true thoughts, feelings and mindsets.

[Hidden]

Children are a huge responsibility and I’m sure there are other mom’s out there that feel the same way you do. It sounds like you could at the very least use some time to yourself that you can count on. Can you afford a sitter who comes several times a week or is there a relative near by who would take him overnight a few times a month? Those are just things to consider short of giving your child up for adoption.

[Foxfur]

I’m sure it’s tough being a single mom, and through a pandemic, a 3 year old is busy!!! I’m not sure how a foster family situation could work, but maybe you contact a social worker for foster care?? I don’t think you are a bad mom, actually you are a great mom for realizing that you may not be able to handle the responsibilities that are required to provide all of his emotional and physical needs. Good luck 🍀

[spzgirl51]

Hello PeaceandWar ,You clearly love your child very much. Why not take a breath and give yourself a huge metaphorical pat on the back for coping this far. Three year olds are not easy ! Especially with no family support. It is perfectly human to feel a little lost at times?

We are not robots and our lives are not perfect ? Pause and think carefully?

In no time your precious baby will be twenty and you will wonder where all the time went? Don’t rush into something you might later regret?

Don’t be hard on yourself?

[EsmeLu]

Tough, peaches. It’s time to grow-up and act like an adult. Losing a mother especially if she abandons you is the most traumatic thing that can happen to a child. It’s too late now. Go see a therapist and get your head screwed back on correctly. That angel loves you and needs you. So suck it up! He comes first!

[DodgeDhanda in reply to EsmeLu]

I saw the affect it had on my daughters first hand due to her walking out on me & the kids. I don't think they'll ever get over it. But they know they got their daddy to support them.

[BrainIsFull in reply to EsmeLu]

I really don't think shsming a person is the way to go here. I mean... this is a depression and anxiety group. How many times have we heard "just snap out of it" or "watch a funny t.v. show" as ways to combat these disorders? Telling someone "just quit thinking and acting like that" is useless and shaming. It likely won't help this mom or this child.

[EsmeLu in reply to BrainIsFull]

Your opinion. Wanting to abandon your child because now you feel you want to enjoy life and not care for him is not part of depression or anxiety. Read it again. She thinks her kid is dead weight and she wants to be free and happy. That’s selfishness not mental illness.

[BrainIsFull in reply to EsmeLu]

Your opinion. I would bet that there are multiple issues going on here.

I suggest that you read it again and this time read between the lines.

[b1b1b1 in reply to EsmeLu]

A child is a blessing, not a toy. Giving up a child at birth is one thing, but giving up a child at 3 can cause great damage to the child and guilt to the mother. I think there may be other options that Panda should examine, both for her sake and the child's.

[Foxfur in reply to BrainIsFull]

It is shocking that anyone with an ounce of understanding our mental health issues would be so rude and hurtful with some of the comments here, not very supportive or helpful if you ask me...

[mentalcase]

I was a single mother to two toddlers and it was very hard. I worked and payed a babysitter. My family lived right across the street from me but they wouldn't even help me. I had no help from anyone. I worked as a waitress and had to live off my tips, because I never made over $2.00 an hour. I don't know how I did it. If I knew what I know now I wouldn't have kids nor get married. I love my children, they're all grown and live far away thank goodness. They are a big responsibility when small, then when they grow up they love to rip your heart out.

Good luck in your decision. Only you know what you want and it's your decision. Giving him up is a lot better than the women that have abortions. I have a granddaughter that had an abortion just because she didn't want it. She already had one and now has another one. There are so many families that can't have children and would love to have one. I know it's a hard decision and I know how tough it is for you raising him alone. Just think real hard about it before you decide to give him up, because you miss him later and it will tear you up. I know from experience. You're in my prayers.

[Melancholy12]

Take a breath. I feel for you -you don’t have a loving responsible partner to help you. Find someone family member, friend therapist someone you like and care for who will not judge you and help you With your child. We need to parent with helpful others. Are you working? Is the child in daycare? Children are all consuming but they love so purely. If you leave your child they will always remember you left them. They will always feel guilty they are too blame. Don’t do that to an innocent life. However, if you think you are going to emotionally psychologically or physically hurt this child then maybe it is in the best interest of the child that you just see him or her occasionally. You no longer have the freedom to be that kind of parent and I hear such Horror stories in foster care. How old are you? What do you do for a living? Please get help for you and your child. There are so many organizations that will help you Financially and emotionally. What freedom are you missing - partying or having new relationships? I’m sorry I’m asking too many personal questions but once you have a child you can’t be selfish anymore. It is a big responsibility to take care of a child but it is a wonderful job in life. I’m 62 with a 19 year old son. There is no better thing in the world than be told you are a goodMother by your child. Sometimes you

Are not a good parent but it’s not easy and you don’t always get it right but you just keep showing up and showing love. Please keep parenting. Do the best you can - no one is perfect - thank you for your honesty.

[Tara52]

Dont make such an important decision on how you feel now. Feelings do change. You will come to regret your decision in the future if it is the wrong one. If you are not giving him the love he needs now maybe it is for the best to seek loving parents for him. Only God knows the answer to that. Pray about it. This child is precious and his future depends on your decision. Parenting is hard because it is the most selfless thing one can do. Not to sound mean or harsh but this child's parents are very immature and selfish. You wanted honesty.

[DodgeDhanda]

Hi Panda, After 3 years that are the toughest in a parents life in raising a child & now that he is starting to know who he is & will settle down you feel you've not got a maternal bone in ur body. Ur the one who has been there through all the most important moments in his life so far but you feel ur not good enough & I'm going to tell you that you are the right person for ur son to raise him, love him & look after him BUT I feel you need to give urself some of that care & love .

I know it's not easy raising kids as I raised my 2 daughters , worked & tried to keep my family together, my now ex wife didn't really have a maternal bone in her body & she eventually left us when the girls were both young & I automatically kicked into survival mode as its what I knew since its what my dad did after my mom died when I was 4 yrs old & he had 4 young boys to raise . I remember 1 argument she said to me If I left you would struggle & I said I know I will but I will raise the girls & thats what I did but during this time I ended up extremely sick & ended up having life saving surgery but spend 3 weeks in intensive care & the rest of the time in hospital recovering from complications & in that time I made the girls mom look after them in their home as I wanted it to keep it as normal for them as possible. She left 16 yrs ago & now my girls are 27 & 23 & both unfortunately have their own issues & are learning as I know what helps them to get out of the funk they may find themselves in . Both are strong independent women that I raised but I had family a few hundred miles away.

I still ask myself if I did a good enough job in raising my girls but due to my issues I put them aside to look after them but they would leach out & what I should've been doing was looking after them & myself.

After 3 yrs & hardly much help you have done everything to love & care for that boy !!!! You to start taking pride in the good work ur doing & I know ur son loves you for it & you love him but there are some dark clouds above you hiding that fact from you. Do you have a dog in the home that ur son can bond with & you bond with too? A pet can really help as ur son will be entertained & it will give you time to breathe so to speak. Just before the year of lock down here my daughter rescued a chihuahua called Foxy ( her fur is like a fox's ) she is a brilliant listener & give so much love & joy & I talked to her all the time & had it not been for her I would be in a very dark place but I'm so lucky she came our way & of course as any grandparent would I spoil her as much as I can.

I hope what I've written has given you a jolt into realising that you are a great parent & that if I can raise my children as a broken down man , then you can too & you need to give you some smiles & love & when you've learned to give urself that then ur son will receive the rest.

I'm not going to tell so find a social worker, do you have mother & toddler groups where you will find others who possibly feel like you , you need new connections & some one mentioned church groups near by, find & use anything available to help you both & a toddler group will help ur son grow & be a happy child at the same time , just as interactions help children learn & grow , it works on adults too (always has ).

YOU HAVE IT IN YOU & ALWAYS HAVE , YOU JUST LOST IT IN THE DARK!!!

So give urself some u time & love you & you will feel stronger & more powerful. Ur not broken , ur just honest & someone else said. There are 2 parent families that struggle & as a single parent its hard being both mom & dad (especially to teenage daughters ) & yes I had to deal with their changes & the hormones & BOTH get very angry at that time of month & I got scared at first but I learned as I saw it more & I would know what comfort food they liked too lol. Now both my girls will come to me before they talk to anyone else & that is my sign that I did a good job raising my girls & they tell me I did. Ur son will show & tell you as he grows & after 3 years for me ur doing a great job of being both mom & dad. Do you have classroom time ? Teach him his numbers & alphabet , he is a massive sponge.

[Chopper21]

I felt this way about my son and after getting help for myself and getting on medication I started feeling better and could really enjoy him. I also think you need to find someone you trust to spend time with him and give you a break. Please be kind to yourself

[Hidden]

Contact HeadStart. I'll bet he qualifies for free daycare and you can get a break and recharge. And he can play with other kids. A win-win. 🧡

[Foxfur in reply to Hidden]

Great advice!