I have no one to go to for emotional support and all my relationships are seemingly deteriorating

[Shugazi]

Just want to say sorry if I sound too proper in some parts, I have a tendency to do that but here are my thoughts:

Is anyone else thinking this? And I don't just mean romantic ones. ALL of them. Friends. Family. You name it. Having relationships that used to be so vivacious but is now a former shell of what it once was and the fact that isolation as a result of depression only exacerbated by the pandemic doesn't exactly help either.

I feel like I'm always in a constant mental battle to even try to function properly. There are things like doubting relationships to the point of questioning whether or not you're coming to the point of thinking you've outgrown someone or some people that may or not have been a result of realizing things about yourself (needs, aspirations, and desires) through time to oneself and most notably lack of emotional support that you are now coming to realize that everyone in your life doesn't understand or are even inept to handle situations that requires empathy or a more emotional response opposed to a more deadpan, logical response (nothing wrong with these at all because people help the best way they know how which is very much appreciated even if they don't seem to hit the mark for an individual). I think it's also important to note that more logical responses have their time and place and it can sometimes help in specific situations where someone is struggling emotionally but not in all the situations.

One way I've tried to explain why this might be happening is simply by the fact that life is full of changes, people adapt to them and may or may not come out a different person hence different needs, aspirations, interests, and possibly the need for different people (also don't mean that relationships are solely some sort of self-serving type thing like I think that's something else entirely that's beyond the sense of reciprocity you'd see in any relationship).

I guess one could say it's sort of a "it is what it is" and something one can't really change, so why bother (maybe something of a stoic-like sort of mindset)? So just find new people then right? And yet there may be some longing for preserving some of these relationships or some sort of unsettling feeling from thinking about this sort of thing in this way because these relationships have a meaningful history that still hold some weight or would make you think they still matter in some way. That somehow finding new people seems like the intention is total abandonment from people when that isn't entirely the case. In reality it's out of necessity for one's well-being.

I've been struggling with this do much because though I'm not looking to exactly abandon relationships in my life I also understand that they're emotionally unfulfilling through no fault of their own. Relationships that were once very close are now very distant. For some our dynamic has changed and I've let them seek the people they need. For others like family, they don't seem to want to cast religious biases aside to want to understand. They'll notice symptoms and tell me they notice them but won't do anything else beyond that. A friend whom I've known for a decade now is mostly very fun to be around and can talk about concrete struggles (bills, school, etc) but not emotional ones. To argue about them lacking emotion seems odd to me because I've known them to be like this for the entire time I've known them and to argue something like that is to argue against the very person they are. That somehow if I went that route it would send the message that they should be more of a certain way as if I'm playing the role of some boss telling them the person they should be. This way of not wanting to come off as offensive and rude applies to other people as well.

It seems abrasive to me to tell people in my life that they could be more emotional. It just doesn't seem like I could have that conversation without being offensive and seeming like my intentions are selfish or to serve my own needs (that they specifically need to fulfill them when obviously they don't). So that's a no for me. I think if it were some other situation where someone else intentionally got hurt then I probably would talk to them about it. So the difference then would be that that people in my situation aren't intentionally leaving me without any emotional support which would explain all that I've already mentioned. Sorry I keep just piling things on but at least here in the US, culturally guys are shaped to be the most deadpan people and any expression of emotion is not really widely embraced so that might play into things in the sense that if guys aren't taught to express their emotions or let alone be in a safe environment to do so, it can make it quite hard to seek out their friends or anyone when they need to.

This has sort of been a thing that's been going on for awhile to where I've had to try to be there emotionally for myself to make up the void I feel a lot of the time as odd as that may be but you get to a point where it just further feeds into isolation and you feel more lonely and alone in your struggles than ever and I don't want that. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling alone. But most of all I'm tired of feeling unheard and misunderstood.

Anyways done rambling (you're a real one for reading through all of this).

[Reading_Rando]

I think both people (including ourselves) and the world are inherently dynamic, that is that they are always changing. What we may want or need at one point may not be what we want or need at another time. I think many people want to the world (and the people in it) to be an unmovable mountain when its more like a ship floating and bobbing on the ocean. The world isnt fixed and neither are we, it's ok to change and have different needs today than what you had in the past, that's called growing. Something we should try our best to do. If your feelings are the wind, then open up your sails and let them take you where ever they may. Life is too short and precious not to try and try to find fulfillment.

P.S. Vague metaphors aside, I'm always happy to see another dude on here, we dont talk to eachother about our feelings enough, so I'm glad to see you doing that.

[Shugazi in reply to Reading_Rando]

Yes a lot of what you said is true. Life is full of changes and I dig the metaphors hahaha sometimes they are the best way to express something. I'm glad to see that maybe even to a certain extent that societal gender norms can wither away even a bit on here and that you took time out of your day to read through some of my thoughts. Thank you.

[Tclaire]

Just wanted to validate everything you've said and I think your insights are amazing. You have a real understanding of what's real, in terms of the intentions of others. You didn't judge them as much as you just stated simple truth. I relate to the loss of older relationships and miss them but I'm thinking about trying to reconnect as it was more about drifting apart through life's circumstances changing. Haven't had a heartfelt conversation in I don't even remember when. But one thing I've always believed is that no one person can be my everything regarding support. It takes my community because even my family fails, not that they are unkind, they are just unskilled. I hope you have the opportunities to reconnect with some old friends as well as adding in new relationships. No negative self talk and plenty of self compassion are great tools. I am in recovery from years of depression and self-loathing. Since it never served me well, I started reshaping my perspective to one of positive well being, which involved connection with a community of peers working their recovery. Again, be patient with yourself, that's the only advice I can offer, as I don't usually give advice, I usually only speak from my own experiences. I hope the best for you. Be safe.

[Shugazi in reply to Tclaire]

Been meaning to reply to these...sorry kind of got sidetracked for a minute. Thank you for making me feel heard. I understand that life circumstances is a factor and sometimes it's hard to discern. You make a very good point in stating that support must come from a network or group rather than an individual. Wherever your relationships may lead, I hope for the best for you as well.

[Tclaire in reply to Shugazi]

Thank you, it is a journey isn't it? I sure agree with you, that sometimes it really is hard to discern where life circumstances might be factoring in or not. So happy you replied as we all need validation sometimes. I wish I could spend more time on this site but I'm working full time and I only get a little time in the late afternoons or evenings to visit for a bit. Grateful to be working but have to maintain balance too. Take care.

[Hollick]

Shugazi, thank you for sharing, extremely well written and informative, expressed..whatever it is you are seeking, and you've made it clear, I hope you find it...