I reach my limit, can't keep going like this...

[Lixus]

How I'm supposed to keep going when I hate myself, when I don't know the meaning of self-care? Evertime I meet someone I push myself to do things in order to impress people, so they will like me, so they won't be mad at me. I don't know how to express my emotions so if I love someone I fill their glass until it's overflow and I end up empty, then it comes the sadness and emptyness, like who am I? When I see people giving things I can't provide, when I love someone more like a friend but I can't express how I feel and my relationship stay as a friendship... That's where I am right now, feeling like trash because I don't know how to be better for myself, I don't know how to love myself, I don't know how to move forward, forget someone and keep going, I don't know how to keep friendships when I feel anxious and depressed around them, not because they are bad people but because I feel like I'm not good enough and I won't find the happiness I want in my life, you know, a family, have childrens, a job... Why? Because I don't know how to express my emotions and I feel worthless... I wish I could dissappear and go to a non-ending sleep...

[Lazy_dog_lover]

Lixus

I am so sorry you are at this point right now. Between the year we faced in 2020 and the season when we need our people to love and understand us most, it is going to be a tough December.

First, I have been through that exact situation and had that exact conversation with myself. It does get better.

Second, reflect, just for a moment, on the earlier trauma that happened to you and where this worthless feeling comes from. If you can't identify some events, then this is where you need to start. Identify, deal, move forward a step.

Self-loathing is a soul killer. What is in your circle of control? Hygiene, nutrition, self-talk, actions.

Before getting out of bed, do some light stretches for each limb, back and neck. Do you journal? I just started this, but write down 1-3 things that you are grateful for. Drink water. Do your morning routine. While you are at the mirror, practice saying one thing about you that you value.

You, for sure, don't need to impress anyone. Your actions must be genuine. Are you able to tell when you reach the point of "too much"? We need to figure out how to stop just short of that.

Feel free to reach out.

[Lixus in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

It may get better, but until I get there I have to suffer, live is really painful and I'm sick of waiting, I'm sick of this pain I don't want to suffer, I want to put an end to it because I can't do anything if I'm in pain. I lost all my interest, I don't enjoy things anymore, music, food, my studies... The only thing I enjoy is sleeping because while you're sleep you are not conscious so I don't suffer.

I know what is the cause of my depressive episode today... But I can't change it, the only thing I can do is move forward but I don't know how to do it, I don't know how to stop the pain and start getting better, I don't know how to love myself, and no, I don't know my limit, I like to help people but I don't know when I reach the point where it's enough and I should stop, because I'm afraid, afraid of letting people down, afraid because I'm unable of show love to others if I don't help them, I can't say someone that I love him I can't express my feelings so I get exhausted and depressive...

[Lazy_dog_lover in reply to Lixus]

Lixus

Thank you for replying. You sound just like I was. Which means there is a way out. I no longer let such deep emotions control me.

I think you should do some research on codependency. Things outside of your being are controlling your inner self. You need to take that back.

You build, in baby steps, your self worth in baby steps and reflection. There is a lot of "inner voice" that you are hearing, but you need to change the message.

Tell me 3 things you are good at. I can already name 10 positive personal character traits I see in you just from your messages. Can you see them? When your mind wanders to other people's perceived opinions, take a few breaths and think about these.

Think short term goals. What do you want to accomplish, today? Just before bed, reflect on those. If writing them down helps, that is even better. This builds knowledge and confidence in oneself and relies less on being defined by others.

It does get better. There is conscious work you must do, but it shall pass. Sleep may not just be a preference, but worrying about so many other people is exhausting. You may have just run out of energy. Check your nutrition and water intake.

Try it for a bit and let me know how it goes.

[Hb2003]

Hello i am really sorry that your going through this i am thinking about you . i hope that your day will get much better your worth something don’t wish to disappear i would be sad so will people who love you people who care about you . I just hope that your ok we love you and care about you . Do your tics get worse when your feeling this way ? please try to be happy it saddens me that your sad i want you to be happy

[Lixus in reply to Hb2003]

I think is selfish to live for someone, yeah sure people who love me will feel sad if I die, but the pain I have is way worse than theirs and they can't heal me so I won't live for someone. If I keep walking is because I want, if I die is because I find no reason to keep breathing...

Yeah, my tics gets really worse when I have anxiety, but I don't really mind of having them, is hard to live with them sometimes obviously but it's ok...

There are a lot of people who have said to me that they love me but I just don't see the point, I don't love me, I hate myself indeed and I don't know how to start taking care of myself without my mind telling me I'm worthless, all my efforts are worthless and I won't be able to survive...

[Hb2003 in reply to Lixus]

You will survive you have to believe in yourself I understand how your feeling I was like that 2 years ago but therapy helped tremendously have you had therapy before ?

[Hb2003 in reply to Lixus]

you have to love yourself i feel like your a kind person your here for a reason .

[Lixus in reply to Hb2003]

I'm going to therapy since last year Oct, and I know what I have to do, I just don't know how, I know therapy will, eventually, help me but I'm just not sure if I'll be able to resist until I reach the point of feeling comfortable with my life...

[Hb2003 in reply to Lixus]

Take little steps I know it’s hard but try

[Hb2003 in reply to Lixus]

Try to reach a goal take small steps to achieve it when I am depressed I make goals to try to get better and

[Marysblue]

You are a good person, just as good as anyone else. You are worthy of love and worthy of loving yourself. None of us are perfect. We just see our faults more cause we know everything about us. People all have hidden dark sides. It's part of being human. You are here for a reason and you seem to want to make others happy, use that on yourself even if in small ways at first. Write down your strengths if it helps. I deal with this too, I think we all want to be better. Trying to just accept myself, the good and bad.

[Lixus in reply to Marysblue]

I just don't know how... I'm a people pleaser, I give everything to help others... But know... I'm just empty, I don't see the point of living like this, I'm worthless, I'm useless, I don't wanna live...

[Marysblue in reply to Lixus]

The depression talking , got to get it under control. There's so many things you can do to help that. Exercise , gratitude journals the list goes on and on but you have to be be willing to do it. Make a list of your strengths you're obviously very sensitive caring giving , loyal, emotionally available to people ,kind-hearted, I'm sure you could think of one or two more maybe.you have to start small sometimes. My counselor told me to start meditating again so I did a three minute meditation but at least i did it and I feel better for having done it. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself like helping someone else . Stay strong this too shall pass

[Lixus in reply to Marysblue]

I know my strengths, people keep telling me over and over but I just really don't see the point, like ok, I can be really good on this, I can be that... But what's the point if I can't live by my own, if I depend on people who tell me how great person I am to feel fine with myself, what's the point if I can't express my emotions, my feelings... Ofc I do some things that I still enjoy, I stop eating when I'm depressed but I eat things I really really enjoy but it isn't enough, the pain I'm in is too much...

[Hidden in reply to Marysblue]

Marysblue, what is a good source for learning how to meditate? Thanks

[Marysblue in reply to Hidden]

Free app insight timer. There's some good videos on YouTube. You just basically sit and keep bringing your mind back over and over to your breath or a mantra . And practice compassion because no one can stop their thinking for more than a few seconds.

[Hidden in reply to Marysblue]

thanks!

[Marysblue]

We just have to sit and feel the pain sometimes. I was listening to Eckhart Tolle The Power of Now lon youtube last night. He tells you to quit identifying with the mind .to focus on awareness in the body. Had this experience myself when I was triggered, I just sat and felt it in the body and it will eventually work itself up out of your body. Also i am trying to be in the moment in the now and feel what's going on in my body. Instead of staying in my head all the time. And surrender ,let go. It's all a daily practice.

[Hidden in reply to Marysblue]

Thanks again. I have not been checking in regularly so just saw your post. Take good care of you.

[Marysblue]

Take good care of yourself too. Merry Christmas!