Hello okay so basically i have gone through a breakup with one of my best friends we have mutually agreed to just be okay with each other but she has been telling everyone about me and talking about me and this is increasing my anxiety as I’m worried about the what ifs i know its bad but it just makes me feel bad and i really miss her but shes changed and i need to distance myself from her but I’m also alone as I can’t trust anyone in my school because they have also ruined my trust so I’m by myself and i want to grieve our friendship but my anxiety is making it worse and I honestly have no idea i know its a little complicated but yes also i have class with her and form so do i talk to her or not it still hurts and i want to put myself first but I’m just worried what if the situation gets worse and what if they end up talking about me more and lying and what if they tell the whole school my secrets because the girls she hangs out with now hated me from the start and no my ex best friend is telling her everything and what if they become petty im so scared and worried please if you have any advice im always open to it
Toxic friendship: Hello okay so... - Anxiety and Depre...
Toxic friendship
I totally totally 1000000% know how you feel. Make a show of it. Stand tall. Hold your head high. Do not show weakness in school, because you have nothing to be ashamed of. If people say “She said X about you,” be brief, informative, friendly and firm. B.I.F.F. (“X is my private stuff. How she feels about me is none of my business. I don’t think it’s cool to talk behind my back. End of story. Want to hang out?”)
You have a wonderful opportunity here, though it seems like anything but. I didn’t have what you are describing until I was in my late 30s, with a woman I worked with. I was sooooo scared that she was going to socially destroy me. You know what I learned?
She couldn’t succeed!
People ultimately judge you based on what they see in YOU. (Not on what someone says about you.). So if you’re a worrier, but responsible, and you generally try to be nice and kind and helpful (but sometimes mess up), people will see that and it’s all ok! She could tell them all kinds of things but if they are fake or only half-true, then people will see through her lies and half-truths. This experience will strengthen you. I know it doesn’t seem like that now, but it will.
That’s my take on it. More here at outofthefog.website.
I wish you all the best. 🤗🤗🤗
Thank u so much for the advice ❤️
Honestly though the thing is that shes more popular than me and tells everyone our problems when we fight and people believe her cuz i keep to myself and don’t gossip and it hurts because she was my best friend for 5 years and i sit near her in all my classes so what do i do
Try not to worry about what if's coz they might never happen so just deal with the situation as it is now. Her new friend will know she is not to be trusted if she is spilling the dirt on you and I bet this friendship doesn't last long either.
I would just smile politely at your ex friend if you meet face to face and just confine yourself (if you have to say something) to how are you, give the vague smile then move on. I know it's hard but if she tries anything she is just looking for a reaction out of you so try not to let it show you are hurt. She and her new friend will soon become bored of it and move on to someone else.
There is always more safety in numbers so try and make another friend or 2 to hang round with. Be more cautious when trusting anyone in future and learn your lesson from this. One of my sisters had this at school and developed a sharp tongue which has stood her in good stead throughout life.
Another way to deal with it is humour.
Boom. What hypercat says, too. 🌈🤩
😁😁
Thank u for the advice ❤️
Thank u again but the girl she’s spilling everything to never liked me she always talks about it she goes oh i don’t like her and such also I don’t really get along with people im my school because i trusted these other girls with what i was going through and they just told their friend groups
hi sim; and welcome to HU!
i'm so sorry for the pain your going thru. high school years, for MANY, are simply the worst years of your life. i know that sounds depressing - but it's good news. those 4 years will be over before you know - and the remaining 70+ years of your life can be so much better.
kids in high school, are often just that. they've not grown up yet, or matured. there is so little life experience of the real world - that they focus on things that are of little to no import in the real world.
i know what i've said sounds harsh - but i don't intend it that way. there's good news in there. you've learned some valuable life lessons. you've learned some crucial lessons about trust. trust is something that we must give, if we are to live fulfilling lives. but giving trust must be a careful 2-way street. trust should be given in tiny amounts, in both directions. little bits of trust over time, build confidence that the trust we gave will be honored. trust broken, tells us who NOT to trust - this is the only way to learn who's worthy of trust.
i know you're worried about what's already happened. but that's now in the past - and there's nothing you can do to change the past. this also sucks, believe me, i know all too well. but it doesn't serve us, nor is it productive to dwell on the past, or something that's beyond our control. we need to try to forget about it, and move forward. they will or will not talk about you. this is true whether they're your friends or not! this is always beyond your control. they may tell lies or truths about you. but if people judge you on some else's commentary, and not on your own merit - these are people you don't want in your life either!!!! so anyone that listens to gossip - is not anyone you want to spend time with, or ever share anything with - so knowing who they are is highly valuable information!!!
i KNOW how hard this is. i've been there, done that many times. it won't be the last time someone hurts you - but how you deal with that hurt... that's what counts!! that's what makes you a stronger person. if you can face, and overcome that fear - you will be a far better person for it!!!
you are never alone in going thru what you're enduring now!!! everyone worth anything has gone thru the same.
there are empathetic people here you can talk to, and we're here to listen.
please try to not worry about what others say about you... whether they're friends current, past, or not friends at all.... the only thing that matters is what you think of you!!!!
Thank you for the advice but since i sit alone and near them in my classes what do i do if they start talking about me right infront of me negatively where do i go and what do i do because at lunch i can sit on my own in a classroom but what about lessons also should i start sitting with everyone in the cafeteria of should i stay bymyself and it hurts
sim - those are great questions! and none of them have easy answers. and the answers are different for every person in each situation.
i can tell you what i would do and why. and my hope is that you can apply that info to each of your situations.
i stayed to myself alot in high school. i had a few friends, but i had only 1 friend that i told anything to at all. and i was very careful about what i told that person. trusting people during high school with really big secrets can be really hazardous - because friends in high school can change alliances so quickly.
i looked at people in high school as only good time acquaintances. i would never share anything i didn't want everyone to know. i had a therapist in high school - that was the only person i shared my deepest secrets and concerns with. if you read any of my posts - you'll know i have a brother, that is worthless, and not to be trusted; so i shared nothing with him - but you may have siblings that could help to share your burden. i had [older] cousins that i would talk to, and could share some secrets. i also had older friends outside of high school. i met them in extra-school activities, and groups - some of them i trusted more because they didn't go to my school; and if they broke my trust - it was with other people i probably didn't know.
if this forum was around when i was in high school - i would have used it extensively. here i can share whatever i want - and remain anonymous - as long as i'm careful about what personal details i share that might ID me personally.
by far - the hardest question you raised - and yet - one of the easiest to answer - also has the least satisfying answer. i had to take classes with people that would talk about me too. but i learned - that if i let them see how upset they made me - that only egged them on, and gave them a perverse satisfaction. i learned, that if i gave them the appearance of complete apathy - i just didn't care what they said or did - it would drastically shorten the amount of time they spent focusing on me. i know all too well how hard this can be. but if you can learn to do this - it accomplishes 2 things: (1) it shortens their abuse (2) it begins to teach us, that what others say and think about us - is not only beyond our control - but it's completely irrelevant to us finding joy in life. it's also unproductive, and hurtful to us to worry about it.
there's a saying which applies to this situation. the best revenge is your happiness. we simply cannot dwell on other people - who's sole path to happiness is the torment of others. these are shallow, empty, hopeless people - that rely on others to provide them with a sense of peace. why on earth would WE give a flying fiddlers' frack in february what those kind of people think or say about us?? it's best if we ignore them for the valueless contribution they provide us - and focus on finding, and making our own peace. we do this by working on us; but educating ourselves; by providing options for our future paths; by focusing only on mutually beneficial relationships, that gives us a healthy support system.
can you even imagine how light a load you could be carrying if you could just drop the concern, and weight of what others think of you? try to keep that in mind every time you're challenged in these situation - and there will be many more - because there are alot of shallow, empty people out there.
the sooner we can identify who they are - the sooner we can weed them out of our lives and focus on the people that really care about us (and others).
Thank u once again also sorry about ur brother he seems like a jerk also it just hurts u know i feel like my anxious thoughts have passed and now im upset its 5 years of friendship with her and the people that she hated shes going around with them how does that make any sense how do u even grieve over a toxic friendship thank u again
sim - i hear ya; i feel ya....
and what you just described is EXACTLY what i was talking about...
a lot of your peers at this age, are blowing in the wind - they can change allegiances at the drop of a dime. nothing you said surprises me. that is part of growing up. some people try on difference "facades" or "faces"; trying to figure out who they are. and when they do - it often requires them to "change friends" because different faces mean different cliques.
if you go to college - you'll probably see the same thing - but to a lessor degree. even after college - you'll still see that - because some people grow up late - and some NEVER GROW UP AT ALL. it's a real pisser for those of us that already matured; or well on our way to maturity - not sure i've really matured yet!!! 
your right - it doesn't make sense. and we who are able to make sense will likely never understand the minds of the irrational. this is the EXACT PROBLEM i have with my brother!!!! i will NEVER understand him, because he doesn't come from a place of reason. everything is all about HIM; and nothing else matters. i will never understand that.
now - sim - i must seriously disagree with you on your last point. i'm sorry to do so - but i believe in being honest; and it wouldn't be honest if i blew smoke up your butt.... 
"how do you grieve over a toxic relationship" ???
YOU DON'T!!!!!!!!!! you fracking celebrate and party like it's 1999!!!!!!!! you revel in freeing yourself of a toxic "friend"!!!!! it's serious party city time!!!!!
i hope that was worth at least a smile! 💜
It was thank u so much for cheering me up but honestly i feel better about it but im still worried that people would talk about me if that makes sense sorry its just my anxiety if I actually go into that situation maybe it would be different
sim, it makes perfect sense to me. nothing you're going thru is abnormal or strange. it's natural to worry about these things. but just because it's natural - doesn't mean it's good for us.
some people will always talk about others. because they have nothing else to talk about. what people like us need to consider - is how much real estate in our brains are we willing to hand over to those that gossip. that real estate we give them - does nothing for us except provide worry, and anxiety. the more we can let go of; the less we give them - the better for us. we can never change ANYONE - except ourselves.
so if we can change how we respond to gossip and the provocation that others send our way - then we not only improve our well being - but we take away the power we give to them by caring what they think of us!!!!!!
read that last sentence again! it's a good one!!!
i and others are here for you. you are not alone!
No matter what happens, you will find people who will want to be your friend. The one thing people like more than anything else is authenticty, if you have that then you have everything. Since your already yourself you already have all you need to make friends and be liked by people.
Thank u for the advice ❤️
It is a difficult situation to be in. Unfortunately, we can't control what others say. I know it is hard, but it seems you will have to hope she keeps your secrets to herself. Consider if she does tell and something gets shared, what is the worst that can happen? Yes, you might be embarrassed but that is a temporarily passing emotion. It may be hurtful, but it is not a forever thing. You could try owning it as well. Something like "Yes, that did happen but I'm past that now." That can help stop people from talking about it. Try to stop focusing on the what if's and instead work on friendships. Prayers for peace and strength through this trying time.
So sorry, this is hard. I think most of us have experienced this. You can't control what she says and does; the only thing you can control is how you respond to it. And that may be don't respond and don't take it on. Do not act the same way; always honor her confidences and eventually this will stop. If you are able to ever have a conversation, share in a kind voice that you are glad you both respect the close friendship you had for so many years by not sharing negatives about each other. If you can't do that, just move on. People figure things out. If this gets too hard, talk to your guidance counselor or an adviser. Try to not worry about WHAT IF's because they may never happen. Allow friends and family who love and support you to be with you right now. You need support and you need to know that many care about you. Stay strong. This will get better with the passing of time.
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