When the cycles of darkness come around and around for what seems like centuries....how do you raise that shield again and focus forward. It gets so heavy.
So....so....heavy.
Death is like a quiet cold wind.
We know not where it’s blowing, when it will pick up in our hearts. Happiness can turn to fear in an instant like a wild chariot being pulled by crazed stallions headed toward a cliff but then ...wait!?
Construct a mental brick wall at the edge so the horses cannot plummet! We’re safe! But we’re not.
Please tell me, how have you fought off death’s tempting hand for so long when everything is ever so piled up in the skull for years and years like a roulette wheel of pain and sadness. I can feel peoples emotions through this digital shitbox I’m typing on. And it scares me sometimes
Sometimes my way forward is predetermined with little thought... especially when I know I am taking a rough path and over-thinking things may get me in trouble.
Sometimes the walls we build around ourselves for the sake of comfort can tend to fend off the nicer things in life, or leave us with a skewed perspective of what actually is.
Hi Pittiedad9, what can tell you is what I’ve experienced and hope it might help . So I had extreme depression for about 6 years , probably longer but with all the stress my timelines are out of whack . Anyway I suffered terribly, I didn’t even know it was possible for a person to feel that bad . I was tormented day and night by it,it was pure hell . I never even thought it was humanly possible to feel like my old self again. I believe, I know actually, that after long term depression parts of the brain are affected so that the things you used to enjoy you no longer can and we blame ourselves, but it’s not that , you just need healing. For me it started saying ‘screw it , I’m going to do stuff that gives me some joy in life !! ANYTHING that gives YOU the tiniest bit of joy ,no one can tell you what it is ,only you know and it’s different for everyone. You may only have a few moments of joy but it will start the process of healing. I can hardly believe I’m here today and have happiness, it’s truly a miracle!!! I’ve had major traumatic family problems lately, so I have felt it creep back in here and there , but I’m fighting it, so I’m ok !! Anyway the first thing you must start with us HOPE. Hope that you can feel happiness again, trust me , NO MATTER how long or how bad it’s been you will feel joy again . Hope is essential to healing, don’t let anyone or anything take it away from you !! You might not be good today but next year you could be back to your real self and what you deserve . I wish I could say medication and therapy helped , but I was too far gone, but I now highly recommend it . Doctors designed it to help people like us , so dam it , I’ll take advantage of that !! And I’m on an antidepressant now. Back in my zombie like state , all I really really wanted was for someone to listen to me , to just let me get all of it out until I couldn’t speak anymore, and take it very seriously. Do you have someone you could ask to do that with ?? I want you to have hope , I say this unashamedly, and confidently ,as it’s a big statement to make , but if I can get better anyone can !!! So take hope from me !! Much understanding and prayers coming your way !! ( I really will pray for you , and I pray pretty hard!!😆) ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I was on meds. They were very helpful at one time...
Now my depression is simply a tool for people to manipulate me and use it to their advantage.
I am ashamed of even seeking help. All it did was take away my life insurance policy, get me chemically dependent on snri’s.....and give my wife ammo “on paper” of why she is better than me at everything and should get full custody of our children.
She makes sure to remind me of this every time I show any sort of disobedience.
I wish I had as dramatic of a support system as most women
Been with me so long it’s just how it is .....like you weaned off of all chemical stimulation...so it’s just us ....alone in our thoughts 👁👁...😄...don’t be afraid of the dark !!!
Dosnt matter how long it’s been, it still can get even better and betterer 😁. Prayer coming your way 💕. It’s all true what I told you about me , always always have hope and believe you can feel real joy again!! 💕
I know I have said this before, Pittiedad9, yet I need to say it again. You have such a way with words.
You needn't be ashamed of anything, what we do to help ourselves requires exhausting strength and thought. Medication can be helpful, until it isn't. Talk therapy, CBT, meditation and mindfulness can be helpful, but not the entire answer, either.
A genuine support system can elude us, also. So what do we do? We come here, to HU, and pour out our souls. Keep coming here, and definitely keep writing down your thoughts, I honestly think this can be so very helpful for you. Your words make me think and they help me because I sometimes feel the same emotions. Knowing that there are others, who get it, is almost calming.
Calm is not in my vocabulary very often.
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Thank you so much you made my day. I feel HEARD. I’m not alone anymore. Bless you friend and thank you for connecting
There was a time I couldn’t function at all. There have been times of long term mild depression. The day I told myself that I am the only one in charge of my life was the day I took control. When I really understood that I make my life happy or unhappy with my thoughts and decisions is the day I started going in the right direction. I still get depressed but now I am not a victim of it. Now I do what needs to be done to make it better in some way. Try different meds, get away from negative people, what ever it is, I’m in charge. It’s better that way
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Agreed, well said. I’m pretty much in same place. I can get control now. The constant effort is what’s exhausting. Sometimes there just isn’t time to charge the battery
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Yes. I get that. And I do lose my way and have to start over again sometimes. That is life. In some ways everyone has to do that. It helps to know others in the same boat so you don’t feel totally alone.
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Death - TRIGGER WARNING
Are there other lost souls like me out there?
My soul is tired. Wonder how to find peace! 
I'm ok at this moment. Trigger warning ⚠️ 
