I'm abusing myself mentally

I wish I couldn't think. That would be so much better. Probably better for everyone else as well. Better if I were gone. Better if I never spoke. Better if I never existed.

[mentalcase]

I know the feeling. My mind constantly races. The only way I can shut it down to sleep is by taking sleeping pills.

[Hidden in reply to mentalcase]

I'm so sad. I'm so depressed. Im feeling crazy today like I'm losing control. I don't know what to do. I need help. What am I going to do? Please help me hang on. I need help.

[mentalcase in reply to Hidden]

Depending on what state you live in it's not always the best answer to go to the emergency room. In the state I live in anyone can commit you. I've been in those hospitals many times and they aren't a fun place to be. Call the crisis hotline and talk to someone. It helps just to talk and get it out about what's going on.

[Hidden in reply to mentalcase]

I've done the text line a couple times. I tried calling that line because I was feeling like maybe if I called instead of texted, I might actually get more help. I found out that I could hardly speak. It was a good experiment because I learned something again as a what's the word? As a reminder or proof or whatever the word is that I'm the same as other times I've tried to talk to people. That I freeze up when I'm trying to open up. I stutter and hold my breath trying to force any kinds of words out but I think too much and end up not saying much of anything. Unable to answer questions. Starting but not finishing sentences. Pause for such long periods of time that they have to ask if I'm still there and eventually have to end the call because we're getting nowhere. And I always try to end things nicely because not ending it with a bye would be a disaster and I'd feel bad. Well maybe if I practiced opening up it might get better (that statement is laughable) but it's so much more energy exerted than texting. And they say the same things in both places. But hearing a voice is much better than reading text. But it's so hard and I get depressed when I feel like I've failed. Failed in this way to keep a conversation. To communicate. To express myself. And then getting hopeless. But I could get over that right? I try to. I just tell myself it's ok I tried but im not going to try again even though they said to and I said I would. But i still might try again in a year maybe. That was several months ago I did that call. And I only could because I was alone in a car. Those opportunities are past since I don't have a job and not a place to sit in a car without the chance of someone overhearing me of which I have an irrational fear. (Being heard, opening up, being seen in my emotions).

[SoberDrunk1 in reply to mentalcase]

There is a chapter "You are not your mind" in the book Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, you may read that or there is a segment "Voice in the head" in the book A new Earth also by ET and then read the whole book. You may relate to what he says and come out of it. He was suicidal too, so people with incessant thoughts can relate to his experience and apply his solution.

[mentalcase in reply to SoberDrunk1]

Thank you. I've finally learned to not try suicide ever again. It never works. We only go when it's our time and God is the only one that knows when that is.

[Hidden]

Sarah, What is really going on? It's kind of difficult to respond. What has you "triggered" today? If you are clear about your situation and needs, then maybe someone can help you get sorted out. What kind of help are you seeking? Are you under the care of a doctor or anyone? Do you take meds? What has helped you in the past, I'm assuming this situation may not be new. Sometimes, it helps to make a list of issues and order their importance. Then deal with one at a time.. Order and structure can help to combat chaos and helplessness... Just saying... Be well and good luck.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm trying to figure out what's really going on and I think a big part of it is not having a way to talk to anybody about my feelings because I don't trust anyone enough to open up to them and also thinking why should I go up to someone and tell them about the extent of my depression? How would I even be able to do that? and also not understanding it in myself because maybe I'm still in denial about having a real depressive mental thing and maybe it being something else that causing it but not trusting doctors that they actually want to find out anything about me.

I'm not sure what triggered me today. I think it was being alone in my thoughts. I actually don't have anything to pinpoint like I normally have at least something that could have caused such depression.

Help sought- just this place. I know I posted way too much. My most recent doctor's appointment she asked about my depression/ anxiety. I just said I was fine. And nothing else. She seemed to go along with it even though I didn't do anything to try and convince her that I was telling the truth. I also noticed they didn't tell my about my lab results which has a few abnormal results I'm sure nothing major. She told me they'd call me if they found anything. I found them out by the online portal. I don't have another scheduled appointment with her. The last time I saw her was a year ago before this time. When I for her as a doctor to begin with maybe three years ago, I wrote a letter to her mentioning depression and anxiety basically a plea to help me since I don't know how to get help. She sent me to another doctor since it's not in her expertise to help with that. This other doctor prescribed me medication and set me up with a counselor. I saw her a few times then she said do you want to keep seeing me and also that she didn't know how else she could help me. Apparently I'm still not open enough. I tried though. That's just the last time I tried. Three years ago.

I'm not on any medications now. I haven't been on any for over a year I think two years. I haven't been keeping very good track of time. My mind doesn't work the same as it used to.

In the past, well it's mostly time that heals me. I thought maybe medication helped me but every time I doubted it because it really wouldn't change anything. I couldn't tell any difference any time. Not in the way I expected. I actually only noticed the differences that were negative and they all made me nervous, depressed, numb, and confused. So I don't trust randomly testing medications anymore from prescrptions. I don't take any sort of substances at all, and never have had a single sip of alcohol in my life or any kind of drugs at all besides prescriptions and regular over the counter ones. I have gained a new sort of avoidance of any kinds of medicines now for myself. I don't even know why im reluctant to even take supplements. I just... there's something wrong with me. It's irrational. But I do occasionally still take ibuprofen and midol if I have a really bad headache (has to be really bad) and on my period. I try to take that one before the pain starts and as often as directed or else it won't set in for many hours of pain. But I don't always take it. Sometimes I just go through the pain until I can't stand it. I really don't take anything else. I've come off so many different medications over the past 6 years because they weren't helping that I don't really trust that there will be one that I'd even stay on even if it was working a little because I might eventually wonder, do I even need this? And also I kind of took this last time of really being off medication for a significant amount of time since I first started taking medication, I took it as a kind of practice for being able to deal with the depression myself in case I didn't have access to medication in the future for any reason. I don't want to be dependent. Like some family members of mine. If they didn't have their medications they could die. But I don't really have to. No one is going to watch out for me except myself. And yeah well im not so good at that. Also I'm not going to have medical insurance by next month when I turn 26 and get kicked off my dad's. But I haven't done anything to get it. It feels like a waste of money spent on me. That's also another reason why I might not have access to medications. There was one time I went to pick up a prescription but didn't have the funds to pay for it even with insurance and everything. So, that was depressing. It was just experimental medication anyways except I was a little excited about trying a new one that might work. But im not anymore. That definitely put me off despite all the struggles of paperwork, phone calls, refilling prescrptions, appointments, and so do so much hassle that it is not worth it to me anymore. It's way too much effort now that I don't have. I've noticed my stamina/energy has gone down over the past year.

Anyways. Thank you for the well wishes. I appreciate your concern for my well being. I'm sorry for being so unwell and difficult. I try not to be. I try to be more open.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm not sure where to begin with answer your post.I do get that you have depression and what seems like anxiety as well.

I'm sorry you not had good experiences with medication. It takes a while for them to work. You have to be patient.

Changes in mood won't necessarily be sudden or noticeable at first.

It seems like you are putting up roadblocks to treatment.

My suggestion would be to either resume care with your prior provider.

Or check into an ER , get a full evaluation and a treatment plan. Stick with it.

There aren't any quick fixes for mental health issues. It takes strength willing ness to turn things around. It also should include a doc. for medication management, a therapist to help with understanding symptoms and how meds interact as well as a willingness to do the work necessary for recovery and stability...

Which means that you will need to start trusting.

The first step is the hardest.

I hope you find what you're looking for

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I'm wondering how I can get motivation to try again. I kind of failed with my patience with myself after 2015 when I saw a doctor for the first time who prescribed me medications and then I got off that one a few months later and got switched to a new one because I was really depressed still and a bit worse. I can't remember if I stayed on that one for the next year but I did take the same one for a whole year, going up to the highest dose. I kept staying on it through 2016 2017 and into mid 2018, adding a few medications along the way, none of which worked. I don't know why the doctors let me fail so easily. I have to do it all myself and I'm just not strong enough. I'm just hoping for a miracle. I can't find a doctor. I've tried and I just don't know how to ever get the motivation back to try again. I keep trying to get the motivation to actually try with doctors and medications again but I haven't gotten there yet. I don't know if I'll ever get there again. I know I should and I need to but I just can't force myself to. It's too hard and I just failed again. It's just way too hard. I don't think I can do this on my own which is the only way I can is on my own. No one can help me with that. So I'm left on my own. What can I do? What can I do to move forward in the right direction? How do I get over this? Please. I need to figure it out. I can't figure it out on my own.

[Agora1]

Dearest Sarah3h x As I watch your posts pleading for help today

and yet saying you probably wouldn't take any advice, I firmly believe

you need to go to the ER (ASAP)

I feel for you, you are torturing yourself needlessly because there is

nothing you can do for these feelings. It sounds like the chemicals in

your brain are off some how. It could be from medication(s) This needs

to be addressed by a doctor.

It's breaking my heart because I care. Just know this is not your fault.

Once the issue is taken care of, you will be Sweet Sarah again. xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Thank you so much for caring. I felt that. Thank you. I'm scared of the ER and even if I agreed it might be best if I went there, everything in me is fighting it. One thing is family plans in the next couple days and not disrupting anything. Not breaking down in front of my family. I live with my parents and I can't allow them to worry any more about me. They already have more than enough to worry about. And even if they didn't have anything to worry about I don't think I could open up to them of my own efforts. I feel like I'm keeping a big secret that could be found out at any time if I lose control of myself. I fight crying in front of people and I don't leave my room unless I'm sure no one will tell that I've been crying. Some points it's been hard to keep it from someone when they noticed my really puffy eyes the night after I had cried that morning really bad in front of the nurse in an office I had a covid test at. I didn't have any words to say to her even though she was worried about me and patted my back. She had no idea what to think and I told her I was fine. I lost control after the guy who did my covid test really hurt my nose and I couldn't control coughing while he did the test and he said "I've never seen anyone do that before." (Jam the swab further in according to him, but it was because of coughing and trying not to move while he did it but really I was in lots of pain trying to let him do it but it just hurt so bad) and then he said "Well it's your pain not mine." And then he left quickly. He didn't give me any chance to say anything. I tried telling him I'm sorry I didn't do anything and starting to feel like I needed to defend myself. I think he might've thought I was overreacting or he was angry about something else about work or something else and was being passive aggressive and taking it out at me. I just cried while I waited. I really tried to hold it back. I was depressed at the time as well. I still haven't quite gotten over that. I don't know why people are ever rude to me of all people. I would never be rude to people. Why did his words hurt me so much? I quit my last job. I met two people who were directly rude to me and every time it catches me off-guard and shocks me. I still haven't gotten over them. One time was when I accidentally stepped in front of someone in a line because they were so far back and on their phone so I couldn't tell if she was waiting or not but I considered her for a moment and thought she must not be in line. So I stepped in front and she said in a heightened voice, "Am I not standing right here?" She said it like she hated my guts but how could she? I thought maybe it was because I was white and possibly she thought I was treating her poorly because she was black because she must've known I did see her. But I'm not racist. That thought only crossed my mind because of the movement going on at the time. I said sorry very sincerely and stepped out of the way but I couldn't get out of the room fast enough before I was dripping tears. It might have nothing to do with skin color, just saying. The other major time (according to me) at work was when a man who was working in the same area as me was walking past me and I was carrying something quickly through the way that only one person could fit safely at a time and I almost ran into him and he started calling me out and yelling at me a little after we passed each other. I slowed down and turned around. I couldn't hear everything he said but he had an angry scowl on his face and as I was smiling at him I noticed his seriousness and then I stopped smiling for fear that he would think I was laughing at him. I tried to apologize audibly. But every time we passed each other again he always looked angry and glared at me. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. But I tried my best to be polite and be extra respectful of his space, stopping for him and letting him through before I went. He never confronted me again but he still always glared at me. We didn't work together often though. I never knew his name but I noticed him whenever he was around and he always looked angry so I think he hated working there. He definitely hated being there. That helped me not take it as personally except those glares put me on alert to protect myself. I didn't trust people in that work place except for the ones who would talk to me or who I noticed actually trying to do a good job. That was hardly anyone. Mostly everyone worked like zombies from the moment the came in to work. It was a depressing environment. That's why I left. Now I'm avoiding getting a job because where can I get a job where people aren't resenting their jobs. I just can't be around that. And fast food places, nothing would be an improvement from the good work environment of my previous job at a chick fil a. And I don't plan on going back there.Just so you know, i never talk this much in person. I don't think I even talk as much as I've written here in a single day. Sorry. I'm just going on and on and on.

[gerrerd]

The trick is, gaining control of your thinking, when your mind runs free you are out of control. we need to work on thoughts not following them and believing them ! just let them come and go they are not real, just observe them and know its just a thought and I can change it or let it go !

[Hidden in reply to gerrerd]

What do you suggest I do about my thoughts? I've done some meditation. They say that often- letting the thoughts pass. But what thoughts do you act on? What do I do? If I don't follow thoughts at all, I end up lying in bed all day doing nothing. I really don't believe my thoughts. I just consider them mostly and some conflict. Then I have to choose a side and that I believe. Or find a different side. Or just ignore it. But I really just want to get somewhere. To make decisions. I definitely think too much. When do you get control of your thoughts?

[gerrerd in reply to Hidden]

You need to get programs that teach you how to understand your mind and control your thoughts. nightingale conant, and hay house online for good programs to help you !

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

Sarah, gerrerd is right about finding programs that teach you to understand your mind

and control your thoughts. There's a couple on YouTube call Mind Control as wellas

Brainwashing. It's a way to get your mind to break the habit of repetitive thinking as well

as changing negative thoughts into positive ones. xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

I've done some apps and some counseling and speaking with tons and tons of people on the crisis text line about the different negative thinking patterns. The ones where they describe certain thoughts what it's called, then you try to identify if that is a way you are thinking after you write it down and then they have you rewrite it. Is that all the same stuff? I know I should try every single thing and keep trying every single thing enough to make sure I've exhausted my options of potential help but I've just tried so much and it's mostly the same things over and over again. And I mostly can't trust myself to do it right because no one is there to make sure I've actually done it right so my head gets in the way. I try to have self discipline and just do it. I think my brain just works too much for those things to help me. But I guess I will still check out those suggestions to see if they are or are not what I think they are. I know I think I know things too much. I try to fight myself on that but I do it too hard to the point where I'm telling myself I don't know anything and telling myself to have any self confidence. I just need to not think I know everything. But then I'm not sure I know anything if I question myself on everything. So I just usually go with I'm not stupid, I'm pretty smart, but really I don't know anything for sure technically. It's hard living with myself. I just really need to be nicer to myself and patient with myself and my other self and every self that tries to have the last word. So... I think these are great resources that I will try to see if I can learn anything. I'll try my very very best to keep my mind open though I find it closes far to easily. But then again I thought I was pretty open minded. Maybe I am. Well...

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Oh. Well some of them cost money but I can't just spend money. I don't have a job so anything that's money I really can't do.

[Hidden]

Sarah,I'm thinking that you may be in a similar situation a many people right now.

The pandemic has forced most of us into isolation. Something that folks without " traditional " support systems were totally unprepared for. That in and of itself presented challenges we couldn't predict much less cope with.

I myself have found it far too easy to give in to my baseline symptoms and simply sit and gather dust and wallow in my depression.

Knowing that I am NOT alone with the reaction to the restrictions of " lock down " ha helped me to put things in perspective.

Personally, I believe that I and many others are experiencing a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances that no one was prepared for.

It has impacted so many areas of people's lives it's overwhelming.

I found I have had to change my routine and mindset.

I forced myself to try getting out for walks more, find new challenges and interests that only require my involvement without stretching my budget.

I had to work to stop " the stinking thinking " .It's not easy.

But I'm still here. Still deal with depression, PTSD, and a certain amount of isolation.

But I do the best I can and look forward, not backwards.

Just something to think about.

[Agora1]

Hi Sarah, I've never spent one dime on anything from YouTube. That site provides plenty

of resources and help by professionals that you don't need it to cost anything.

The key to learning these techniques is repetition and consistency when you find apps that

work for you. They say it can take at least 30 days for your mind to finally accept what it is

hearing.

The thing is to not give up. After all, with anxiety, we get into a habit with our thinking and our reacting and so it is not going to change over night. It needs to be reprogrammed.

You have to believe in what you are listening to as well. Wishing you well Sarah xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Thank you