Rediscovering myself...

[Lu2356]

Hello, I am new to this. New to any kind of forum. Currently, I am in a tough situation. My mom is terminally ill from cirrhosis. We have had a love/hate relationship since I was a teen. So much happened as a child which really affected me in my adult years. I have had anxiety since I was 8-9 years old, but never knew what it was until the anxiety manifested into panic attacks as a teen. I was a late bloomer to drinking, but not to the experiences of alcoholism. My parents were binge drinkers and I vowed to never drink. Boy, was I wrong to think I would be better than them. I think I ended worse with drinking and driving several times for several years and getting charged with many dwi’s. It was my way to numb myself. It’s been a struggle due to fear of abandonment as a child and now as an adult. I experienced sexual abuse as a child also, verbal abuse, and emotional abuse as well. Some way, some how, by the grace of God, I have survived all this turmoil. As of late, all these feelings have resurfaced and I feel like a child again trying to make sense of all these feelings and emotions. Thanks for reading.

[CazO46]

Hi Lu2356, warm welcome. It sounds like you had a really tough childhood which had led to a difficult time as a teen and adult. I can empathise with some of your situation, I also had a difficult childhood being moved from place to place, separated from my sister. My father was an alcoholic and died of kidney failure 2 years ago. I was estranged from him for many years but at the end he apologised for not being a good father and I was able to forgive him. Before he died I was able to ask him about his life and understood better the difficulties that shaped his life, I was able to see him in a slightly kinder light. I don't know if you want to talk to your mom about how you feel about your childhood or if she would want to open up those wounds?? But no matter what you are a survivor, not without scars but none the less you have something in you that keeps going and you deserve to find peace and contentment on your life. I'm no expert but I think we can get 'stuck' at certain points in our life and perhaps now is the time to take care of yourself, let go some of the pain of your childhood to enjoy a better future. I truly wish you all the best.

[Lu2356 in reply to CazO46]

Thank u for taking the time to write back. I am sorry u had to go through what u went through. It makes me happy that u can relate to what I am going through. I felt so alone. My mom, for as hard as it has been, is my best friend and has never turned her back on me. I forgive her, my father, and my other family member for what I endured. I realize that forgiveness is a long process for me. I have to relearn to accept myself for who I am as a result of what transpired. I love myself regardless. I have spent so much money on thinking and feeling that something is wrong with me. I am hyper sensitive to pain, period. I hope and pray that one day we can all be free from worry and fear. Being sober for over 5 years, I still dealt with the effects of drunken behavior. Now, with the help of my higher power, God, am I able to slowly but surely face those fears and insecurities. I really appreciate your feedback. It has made my day better. 😊

[CazO46 in reply to Lu2356]

Well done for the hard work it takes to stay sober 😊 I agree forgiveness can take a long time but that's ok , you have a lot to work through. I'm glad you have your faith I'm sure it will help. Best wishes to you

[fauxartist in reply to Lu2356]

congrats on your 5 years of sobriety....

[hypercat54]

Hi oh how I relate to this - not the drinking but the difficult love hate relationship with your mother. My mother emotionally abused me when young which has had a massive and permanent impact on my life ever since. I built emotional brick walls to keep her at bay.

She died 5 years ago now and you know what? I built a new relationship with her based on the feelings she never taught me ie kindness, compassion, which I learnt outside my family. I knew better than to treat her like she did me and it showed me how far I had come since my childhood.

If I had cut her out of my life or refused her kindness etc. it would have reflected badly on me and it would have made me as bad as her if you see what I mean. Sort of taking the moral high ground if you like.

I am very sorry to hear about your mother even so. I hope you can find some way to sort out your feelings and thoughts about her. x

[Lu2356 in reply to hypercat54]

It’s been rough with her acting like she did when I was young, but I try my best to ignore it and not feed it. Counseling has helped a lot. The counselor puts things into perspective for me to put things together in a sense where I can sort things out and accomplish the smallest of goals. Today is the day I shall put this into work. Last night I had the worst anxiety. Came from gastritis possibly flaring up again. Didn’t get much sleep last night...

[hypercat54 in reply to Lu2356]

Well I must admit it wasn't until the last 3 years or so of my mothers life when she had got frail etc. Until then I had my walls firmly in place! I still saw her but spent as little time with her as I could and usually only went with a sister. x

[fauxartist]

wow!......I get it....totally....amazing how many of us have walked the same path...your a survivor too...I felt almost like I was reading my own bio....very similar...small world isn't it....I've been in recovery for a few decades....also a survivor of abuse and abandonment... it's funny how we say we won't be like our parents, ... I looked in the mirror the other day and my smile is exactly the same as my mothers.

Your a good person to take on your mothers care...my mother and I are estranged and I cannot have any contact with her at all... she's too toxic for me. My sister is a nurse and does reluctantly mind my mother, who had a quadruple by-pass some years ago and it's failed. After many years of failed attempts, I was just not able to change the way things were going to inevitably be, my mother has no remorse, or guilt, or has ever thought she did anything wrong...and that's something I have long since made peace with.

I have my own loving family in my relationships with my one brother, my sister and her four kids. I have a very loving relationship with my partner that is a gift to finally know I'm loved for exactly who I am. I will always be a work in progress...but it's all good.