Unfocused and Frustrated

I don't know what to do with myself. I have too many ideas. I can't do all of them. Not even one of them. I can't remember much from one moment to the next. I can't plan. I have a hard time acting because I overthink. I want to do something. Also social anxiety gets in the way of me doing anything. Somehow my life continues on but once I'm faced with some sort of confrontation or any kind of obstacle or something changes, once something happens, everything could crash right down in the blink of an eye. I don't know why nothing happens. I avoid anything happening. Someone could confront me at any moment and catch me off guard. An event could happen at any moment and force me to face things I don't know how to face no matter how much I try to be prepared for anything. I feel unprepared because I can't get myself together. I can't get my life together. Here's how my days go: I sleep in. I wake up feeling nothing. I have the urge to get up and not waste my day. I get up and eat something. I can't think of anything to do. I come back ro my room and sit. I avoid using my phone because then I get the urge to get up and stop doing nothing. I feel anxiety about doing anything. I sit trying to read or think or plan or do something. I have a million ideas of things I want to do but they are huge projects and I can't choose them all. Also they are mostly things that I can't force myself to do because if social anxiety. Anything I start I never finish. I can't commit to anything. I'm very indecisive. I'm very unspecific and general. My mind is so scattered I can focus from one moment to the next. I find that I sit in my room for hours having accomplished nothing. I leave my room and try to do the things I want to do. My simple things. I get distracted by my neice. I end up playing with her with all of my time. I sometimes get some dishes done but they never get completed. No one helps me. Everyone always asked me to do things for them. I do them. I want to help people. They give me things to do. But they frustrate me that they don't help me. I don't ask for enough help. When I do they usually say no. So I'm frustrated with myself and with them but I still want to be the person I wish others would be for me. But I don't have control over others and it seems my influence on them is nonexistent. So I really don't try to change their minds about things. I just let them take advantage of me. Im just frustrated that I can't get what I need because I don't know how to get what I need. I need socialization with peers. I have no friends. No way to make friends. No skills to makes friends. I have friends that I don't talk to. That I avoid talking to. So I'm not their friend. I don't know what to do. I keep trying to change to be different to be more. To actually be something. But honestly im not much. I'm not enough. People would tell me I ask enough but I don't believe them. My mind is very stubborn. Trying to tell me anything and get me to believe it is almost impossible. I'm prideful and think I know things that I don't. I try to change that. So when people talk to me to help me I pretend to go along with what they are saying. I pretend to listen and to be learning and to be being helped. I am nice for ther most part. But in my head is myself saying I don't believe this person at all. I'm hopeless. Nothing will change. They can't help me. I am not going to listen to them or do what they say. But I try to fight that and say yes I am going to change, etc. Turns out I don't really change. Anyone who tells me what I'm feeling is normal or natural. That makes me angry. Anyone who tells me they kind of understand how I feel annoys me. Anyone who talks to me like they know anything makes me irritated. Anyone who just says you are so strong makes me upset. No one asks me any questions that makes me believe that they are trying to understand me. They say I'm good at expressing myself. I don't believe it. I don't feel understood. Anyone who feels understood must have the gift of a friend who is either more intelligent than they are or just as intelligent, or they just believe that they are more intelligent than them. I might be a narcissist. I never tried to be. I never thought I could possibly be one until recently. I am not intimidated by other people normally. I wish someone would be intimidating, someone I could respect and have higher esteem for. I don't treat people disrespectfully. I have always been kind and caring and living for other people. I don't disrespect people besides times I've done so out of overwhelming anger or of the smallest feeling of being better than someone else and I regret every time I was disrespectful in even the slightest. I don't like myself. I hate myself. But I try not to. I try to love other people and myself. I'm a perfectionist. I think I know everything and when I realize it I don't think I know anything. I hate being bipolar like this. I've never been diagnosed as bipolar because no one will ask me enough questions to even consider it. I don't throw myself at people. I'm very reserved. I don't even know who I am. I don't believe I have a personality because it changes all the time. I don't believe anyone understands me or ever could. I hate when people tell me things I already thought of myself or heard before but there's no avoiding it. Sometimes it makes me smile and happy when I hear the same things over and over again because they are good things and I'm happy to see the things that work for other people. I'm too stubborn and have a terrible mindset and poor attitude that I'm trying to change but I can't seem to get rid of it. Does letting it go mean I know nothing. Well yeah. How can I chip it off little by little then? It's too solid for me to break. I don't even know what I'm really talking about. I'l forget it later. I'll keep contradicting myself. I'm sliding around in sand. Where am I and how do I get out? Oh I'm on a mountain? Oh good it must've been a dream. Oh no I'm going crazy. Why did I start writing? What if I can't identify feelings. Because they change so often and they are feelings without names made up by me and never again to be felt, so impossible to identify. I create my own reality and I just need to stop. How can I get away from myself? Well, it's impossible haha. I have to change. I'm always changing? Well when I reflect I can see that I'm not changing but that I am changing all the time. When I think of the present, I think I haven't changed at all. When I think of the past compared to the present I think I haven't changed at all. When I think of the past compared to the past, I think I've changed. I clearly don't see myself clearly. I can't help myself. Is that true? I believe it's true. But do I? Well, that one I don't know. There's so many things I don't know and want to know. I just want to know things. I believe I can learn everything and anything. But I'm stuck on some things. They are not brought to light in my mind. That's everything actually. I actually only believe things and I don't actually know anything. I build the pieces together to see what makes a picture and what doesn't. But is there even a reference? It's only one puzzle and I'm trying to put the pieces together the right way. But there's so many pieces. I can't tell if this is the right picture I've made if these pieces were meant to fit together this way. I feel like I have access to all the pieces but I haven't been given them all yet

[Jay2O]

Hi Sarah. Sometimes our thoughts do feel to be travelling at speed and causing us confusion. It is often down to anxiety. Not sure if you take medication but if you could see a doctor he/she may suggest something to calm those thoughts down. There are also some great meditation tapes on the net - meditative sounds - like with binaural beats. These can be really soothing and can help you to think clearer. Try and find some good relaxation therapies which work for you. You could also get creative and do things like painting or drawing which is both relaxing as well as satisfying. Look out for interesting colouring books. It can be a good release. These are just ideas. Lastly do try and be gentler on yourself. You don`t need to be everything that others want you to be. Your negativity could stem from earlier times when you were perhaps made to feel like you weren`t good enough. Sending you calm and more positive thoughts. x