Marriage problems

[MandyBueno]

I am seeking for advice! I’m a newly-wed . My husband is 27 and I’m 23. I’m exposing our ages cause I am aware both of us are young and we have so much to learn yet. But it is so hard to see it coming when you are facing situations like this. I’m gonna talk a little bit about his personality and mine. He is driven, he was in the army for 5 years straight, he has good qualities , took good care of me. He can be hot headed and not watch what he says. I am the total opposite of him. I’m quiet, Im patient , I do things my time, I don’t raise my voice And I can go super quiet ( silent treatment ) when I see his about to lose it.

There were some red flags I ignored. He was super rude to his mom, he would say mean things. And while we were dating he insulted me pretty bad. I found out he was dipping tobacco and made that very clear I didn’t like that and he knew it. Later on I found out he lied again and hid this from me for about a year even though I kept asking him “ do you still do it?” He would not think twice into saying no. Today we had a bad fight. Just cause he woke up in a mood. We went to a fancy store he bought me four pairs of expensive shoes and then said “ don’t ask me for nothing” at the moment I laughed cause I thought he was talking about shopping stuff, turns out he said “ I mean, don’t ask me to go to the gym with you, or to the church or whatever.” Then he continued in treating me badly. He mistreated a guy that stopped us to talk about Jesus. I felt so bad . Also he called me useless, retarded . It is not the first time he uses this word. He just keep saying I want him to do lots of stuff. I asked him to quit drinking simply cause one night he got so drunk and he almost lost it and made me feel very bad( he punched a hole in the wall) So he said that he would stop drinking. Also, I asked him to join me at the gym so we could both be healthier , my husband is too young and he is super big . Anyways, I did ask him to change some stuff after we are married. Like not dipping tobacco, going to the gym and church. I am a Christian and married him knowing he is a Christian as well so I figured asking him to go to church with me on Sunday wouldn’t be a big deal. Turns out he went four times with me and know he says he hates christians. I know I can’t change him, and I ain’t perfect. But the things he says, not only about me. Cause I’ve seen him being mean towards his sister, towards black woman and woman in general.

I love him to death and it’s been only 2 months we have been married but I don’t know what to do. Today I cried a river.

[Hidden]

Hi. I’m sorry that you cried a river today. It is unacceptable for any man to mistreat a woman let alone his wife by calling names and showing signs of violence. I am not married myself and I want to see from other experiences. Would a marriage exist if two people have different ways of being in regards to religion? Would you be open to couple counseling to work through communication and interaction issues except you keep your faith and he can be himself? Much love and lights to you. 🙏

[Hidden]

MandyB, oh my goodness gracious. This sounds concerning to me. I am concerned for your safety. I want you to start preparing what you would do if he scared you or made you feel unsafe. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline [phone].SAFE. They will help you. Do not share this message with him, because he may get angry with you. The Hotline can help you plan where you would go (family, a shelter) and how you can leave safely.

This isn’t your fault and you didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes people hide their mean personality at first. Then it comes out after they get married. It just sounds like his nature is coming out and he is not a very kind person. If it gets worse, it could be abuse. And he doesn’t have to hit you before it is domestic violence. I learned that the hard way. If he limits where you can go, or who you can talk to, or scares you or belittles you, it’s called verbal abuse. There are other kinds of abuse too.

I could be wrong. He could be going through a rough time. You might benefit from counseling, with him or without him. But if you feel scared to tell him that his behavior is cruel or upsetting to you, then I want you to be ready with a plan.

[Sami2020]

Yoiy

[Sami2020]

The warning signs are there, I know it's hard, but you need to get yourself into a safe place and leave. If he punches a hole in the wall, it's just a matter of time before he punches a hole in you. Buying expensive gifts, is not taking care of you. He is emotionally manipulative, and from what it appears has a propensity to become violent. No woman deserves to be spoken to in the manner in which you say he has. Remember, you are your own person, and you have say in how you are treated and willing to accept. God did not place you in this world to be miserable.

[Ricardo70]

Ok that’s a lot to cope with. I’m an ex military guy so I need to ask if he’s been posted to a combat zone. It sounds like he has a great deal of frustration and anger inside him, this could be ptsd. It sounds like he is a decent man inside but for some reason he seems to be very angry with the world in general and everyone is getting a big piece of it, including you.Firstly it’s NOT OK for you to be spoken to that way, secondly it’s not normal for you to be frightened of your partner/husband.

Being in the military has conditioned his mind especially if he’s been in a conflict zone. You’re trained to put aside your personal self and be driven and aggressive. He may have seen things that have caused him distress and this is how he’s dealing with it. The military can help him with his ptsd, they have trained professionals and support groups.

If this isn’t the reason, you need to find out why he is so angry because you’re marriage will end in disaster or he may end up harming you physically.

Most men need a robust approach and often won’t listen to subtle suggestions, especially from close family and friends.

This is going to take time, you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to go through all the stress and pain it’s going to take to put this right.

At this point he thinks it’s ok to lie to you, abuse you mentally and frighten you with bursts of anger. He’s also rude and disrespectful towards his family and people of colour. This behaviour is absolutely unacceptable, no excuses.

If you have a good relationship with his family you need to speak with them and see if they’re willing to speak with him.

I’m not a relationship councillor and I strongly recommend you speak with a professional about this issue.

If at any point you feel in danger or threatened please don’t suffer in silence.

The reason why I’m replying is because I used to be like your husband. I got help to realise how my behaviour was effecting everybody and the reasons why.

For me it was my fiancé moving out and staying with her family until I agreed to get help. I didn’t want to loose her so it kinda forced me to face up to it all!

I got help, now I realised why I was so angry. Today I’m happily married to my fiancé, we have two boys, we live in beautiful Cornwall, England and we have been together 27 yrs and are still completely in love.

Don’t suffer in silence, this won’t just get better and go away in time it will get worse, get help.

I hope all my ramblings have helped a little and I wish you all the best. Sending you love and support honey, take care.

[MandyBueno in reply to Ricardo70]

Thank you for your answer Ricardo. I’m not quite sure if he was in a combat zone, probably. He doesn’t tell me much about the army. I know he was in charge for a lot of other soldiers and he had to be tough and yell at them a lot. Also he mentioned people in the army can be really mean and that can be a bad environment. You being an ex military must know well. His mom is completely sure he changed a lot during those times, she said he had a very sweet personality and sometimes I can see he can be very sweet. But he said he doesn’t know what’s happening and it is hard to handle his anger issues. Of course I don’t want to pack my stuff and leave, but he needs a change and sometimes he is willing to change but right after that he explodes on me and blames me for not accepting him for who he is. Bottom line, he does not want to change and still have me in his life. But your comment helped me a lot and opened my eyes. You understand it more than I do when it comes to the army, the only thing I know about the army are the things that he shared with me, other than that I know nothing.

[Hidden]

Hi MandyBueno,

I agree with everything that has been said from other members. It's not ok for you to be treated this way. If he doesn't go to therapy to deal with his issues, then you should to leave. Don't tell him you're leaving, he might turn violent ,just leave. I'm speaking to you as a christian. Don't be told that God wants you to stay in an abusive marriage and that if you walk out you have failed God. You will not have committed any sin by leaving, so there is no guilt or shame. I think he said he was a christian to win you over. Indeed pray for him and get your church to pray for him but don't tell him that, he might get angry. You don't have to be living with him to help/pray for him.

I wrote to a lady who endured 3 yrs of abuse from her husband because she thought it was God's will to stay and help him. She cut herself of from her church because of the shame when she needed their support and prayers. She endured mental, emotional and physical abuse and threats. He also promised he would change. Thank God she "came to her senses" and left. This is what the enemy wants to isolate and destroy! Listen to wise counsel so you may have wise discernment. I will pray for you.

[CoderMom]

That is a heartbreaking spot to be in. It must be so difficult for you.

I have been in your shoes. My first husband was a Marine. I didn't know him well when we got together and ended up married to him with 2 kids before I figured out we were never meant to be as he was cheating and drinking and wasn't going to change his ways.

I would say to pray and let God move on his heart. God can soften a heart. I would suggest a book for you - "The power of a praying wife" by Stormie O'Martian. I would also seek counsel from someone you trust. Many prayers.