Bad day... still waiting for the good days to arrive...

[Onelove86]

I’m having such a bad day. I spoke to a therapist this morning which was great but the whole time I was having a anxiety attack. We talked about doing intensive treatment for two months to see if that will help. I found out what triggers me. Which is the death of my cousin, we were not on talking terms when she past. I’m a very stubborn person and I’m working on that. I was pregnant and had a 3D showing and I didn’t invite her, I feel that if I did invite her she would be here. So there’s a lot of guilt there, blaming myself about it. I’m trying to come to terms that it’s not my fault. As the day went on things only progress. Especially my physical pain. It feels like someone is shaking my body. I don’t know if this is a symptom of anxiety but I don’t like it. It’s like you see this stuff in movies and think it’s unreal. But when I stand up or walk or even lie down my body feels like it’s having a earthquake. Just shaking and you can’t see it from the outside. Having chest pain across my chest. Pain running down my arms, I have a headache. My legs are tingling, my stomach is tingling and queasy. My body is on fire. I don’t know what to do. I know I can’t get better overnight but when does the pain stop? When can I feel like half myself again? I feel like such a coward, literally everything scares me. My self-esteem has dropped to a all time low. I don’t even recognize the person I see in the mirror. I don’t come my hair and some days I go with brushing my teeth or combing my hair. This is making me so depressed. I can’t even enjoy time with my kids, my significant other, or my family. I can’t enjoy anything, if I go to the grocery store I have a anxiety attack. pumping gas I have a anxiety attack. Using the bathroom I have a anxiety attack, taking a shower I have a anxiety attack, when I have to work I have a anxiety attack, when I eat I have a anxiety attack. I barely even have a appetite. I lost 40 lbs in two months. I saw my PCP and now she’s really worried doesn’t want me to get malnutrition. I did a MRI on my brain 2 days ago awaiting results. While I was in the machine my body felt like it was floating, like it was moving like a water ripple. It was weird. Literally it feels like my body is shutting down and not functioning properly. I need serious help! This can not be what my life is going to be like. I’m holding on to my faith and my loved ones to see myself through the ordeal. It has to get better right???

[Hidden]

Hey. You are going through a really tough time. I can see that. I’m so glad you’re going to the doctor to rule out other causes. Your post struck me. It sounds like you need support right now. You mentioned not being able to enjoy time with your kids and significant other. It almost seems like you feel guilty for not being there for *them.* Forget that for a moment. Put their enjoyment out of your head for a second and let me ask you: who is here for you right now? Will anyone feed you and clothe you and comb your hair and help you brush your teeth? My guess is, despite you being there for them, *you* need help right now. And deep down, you aren’t even able to figure out how to be there for yourself right now because of all the pressure to be there for others.

[socratesanne]

Do you have a physically therapist of massage that the doc recommends? I have found cranial work very helpful. It helbalance the fluids the body and helped me calm down my system. It has to be someone who is a specialist in the technique. I find I am getting more uneven lately due to a motor planing stroke I had many years ago. Used to go at least once a month and have not been to see her except once when the pandemic started. Think my system is off again.

[Hygen]

So sorry for what you are going through. Good news that you have engaged a therapist and hope you will a find a medication that keep you stable first. I suggest you try meditation and simple yoga but before then; if you can get intuitive therapist who can help with talking therapy before yoga and meditation also Kriya. You will only benefit from it on a long run plan.

[dmt1121]

You are seeing the health professionals that you need to in order to figure this out. While I can tell you realize in you mind that you hold guilt for something that did not cause your cousin's death, nor is it something you can take back. However, you can learn to forgive yourself through that hard work your therapist talked about and perhaps taking some medications to help you through the worst times...just for now.

We do not come from a place of hate and unforgiving but we learn it through life experience and abuse that we experience. WE naturally come from a place of love and when we pass on, I believe we return there. Your are forgiven and the greatest gift you can give your cousin is to forgive yourself, really and truly forgive yourself. You can then be the person you want to be, a person of kindness and caring for others.

If you decide to make that choice to move forward, your health will follow. Take that first step and more will follow. We know you are a good person who will do so much with another chance.

May your MRI show only good results and may you begin to heal!