The love of My Life

[mysticfawn]

Hi everyone. I haven't posted for a long time. In fact it's been a year and a half when my mother died. Within that time I've lost a sister, a brother-in-law, a friend, an aunt (yesterday), AND most important to me, my husband. I wrote a post about the time his cancer got worse saying that I couldn't live without him. After nearly 41 years of him by my side, loving me and being my best friend and now he's gone. I honestly didn't think I would be able to live without him but I manage to get out of bed nearly every day. Leaving the house has become a major chore though. He was my rock, my shoulder, my everything. It's been 9 months now and I'm still crying all the time. Everything I do, everything I see, everything I hear, smell, taste... it all reminds me of him. I try to avoid triggers like going to specific restaurants or watching certain movies but it doesn't matter. I miss him so much. I think about suicide every day just so I can be out of this pain. Thing is, I'm Christian and believe if I were to end my life I'd never be with him again and I can't comprehend that darkness. When will it become, at least bearable? I can't imagine all the glue in the world ever being able to fix my broken heart. It's shattered.

[bonkers65]

I am so sorry for your loss. Just try to take one day at a time and let time pass.

😢 (((HUGS)))

[Hidden]

You should go to the ER and tell them about your suicidal thoughts and get some real help I really really feel for you man you've had it tough you need some help big time. I wish I could be more help to you but it's really out of my league but so important to tell somebody about your suicidal thoughts I hope you don't waste time and get it done.

[Agora1]

mysticfawn, your heart has been broken many times in the last year and a half through all

your losses. I'm sorry to hear about your husband's passing. Everyone grieves in their own time. I remember my mother going through her own grieving after the sudden death of my father. (accident) For her, she choose to move after a while. A beautiful little condo where

she found a new friend who had also lost her husband. Ironically, they became the best of friends and were there for each other.

We may never know what life may bring us, but hopefully we heal (not forget) when we least expect it. Stay strong and stay with us dear friend. Support is important at this time. xx

[mysticfawn in reply to Agora1]

Thank you. I wish it were an option. I'm raising 3 tweenage grand daughters and honestly, if not for them I don't know where I'd be. We did move in December to a town just a bit away. After he passed I couldn't afford the house any longer. It was a difficult move. I felt if we moved he'd come home from work and not know where we were and then he couldn't find us. Strange, I know. I just kept watching the door waiting for him to come in. I'm still waiting.

[Agora1 in reply to mysticfawn]

That brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry for you pain. xx

[b1b1b1]

sadly, it takes a long time. Can you get away for a short vacation. A change of scenery may help[.

[mysticfawn in reply to b1b1b1]

Well, I've been on 3 vacations since August. It just feels so wrong without my best friend there. Thanks for the thought though.

[b1b1b1]

I am sorry. Can you take a longer trip? It may help for a while. xx

[kvolm2016]

I am so sorry for this loss which of course is so significant after all your years of life together! Have you had a chance to do any grief counseling to help you process through all of this? The organization that was so helpful for me was griefshare.org Maybe you can take a look and see what you think.

[waylay]

Oh my dear... So many losses! I'm sending care and support

[Hidden]

Aww.... that's a lot to take. Are you in any kind of therapy??? I'm praying for you and that somehow things will eventually get better. Give it time. There's a song by Amy Grant called Takes a Little Time that you can find on YouTube. Take a listen to it, I hope somehow it helps you.💖