How is anyone surviving at this point?

[wittsend0]

I have continued to live in denial, of which I don't recommend for anybody.

I'm convinced, on top of dyslexia, aphasia and dysgraphia, which I was tested for and can no longer get the testing results because the college doesn't have them any more, (I didn’t have the foresight to think I would ever need proof. ) that I am also ADHD and probably a functional Autistic. All of which adds up to: I have worked and lived and saved, and every step of the way, those around me have taken and taken and taken and I just didn’t get it.

Whats the definition of insanity?

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

So, I am insane.

It's a terrible thing to recognize it, and yet still can't do anything about it.

You would think I would have learned to protect myself along the way.

I have seen the freight train coming at me and for a good 12 years and still couldn’t manage to step out of the way.

Its here now, and I'm looking at the headlight approaching and I am to petrified , (insane, pick a word,) to get out of the way.

I have not been able to get a real job in 2 years. I took a crap position for low pay that required I cover the rest of my expenses from savings for 6 months. SO I was actually paying to work. I was just in negotiations to convert to working the same position for a little better money that would have taken me out of paying to work, when Covid hit, and ended the position.

It's the story of my life, just as things look, even remotely look up, it gets yanked away. (Yes I get there are those whom where worse off during the pandemic, in so many ways. ) But when you have no ability to cope left, and death seems like an escape from hell, you just keep hoping you will die in your sleep instead a long drawn out painful end.

My partner is deeper in denial and I don't have the ability to just say its over, or, its time to move and leave the ridicules cost of this town behind.

So I burn through funds, the land lord wants to sell, I cant find a place to live since , I am unemployed, I have tools, and a need/desire to keep them expecting I will need them to make some kind of living moving forward, Not to mention continuing to work with my hands attempting to not get lost further in madness. BUT, I need to store them and they take up about a third of a parking space in a garage so I can't live in an apartment, and I cant afford storage.

My partner thinks somehow, we can move into an apartment and all will be ok.

Can't cover the bills, she only makes enough to cover her bills after having been mostly unemployed the entire time I have been with her. Blinders couldn’t see this was a bad clue.

I am not religious, and yet I pray every night to any god, to the few people whom have past from my life that didn’t cause me harm in some fashion, for help.

Nothing.

I Babel... sorry. Need to vent. Really have nothing emotionally left. Just a great big empty void, lost. Death would be a step up, if I had the courage to pull the trigger. I don't.

I hope no one has to walk this path. Unfortunately I know beyond doubt, there are others in the boat with me. That doesn’t make anything better. More depressing if anything.

[Starrlight]

❤️ ❤️ ❤️