I mean....

Iv'e been in recovery for almost ten years and it took me until TODAY to realize I am dependant on male attention to not feel lonely. Not all the time, and not just any male. But the dependancy is there. It's not destructive, but I view myself as being very independant soooooo....now I have to process this wildly conflicting information about my identity. I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on this, finding validation through external sources in very common, and not bad at all.

Thats my dog Bella in the photograph. I love her ^_^

[Hb2003]

I was having a hard time with my identity until I learned to accept

[Hidden in reply to Hb2003]

What was it you accepted?

[Hb2003 in reply to Hidden]

That I was Muslim and that it’s ok to be different

[Hidden in reply to Hb2003]

I'm sorry anyone ever made you feel that its not beautiful to be a Muslim. You have my respect! So are you saying, maybe don't fight it?

[Hb2003 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah don’t fight it be who you want to be don’t act like someone else be true to yourself

[Hidden in reply to Hb2003]

I agree and always strive to be as authentic as possible, aside from the things I'm in denial about. Like them cute ass boys! haha!

[Hb2003 in reply to Hidden]

😂😂

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hey I have a cute ass. Oh not what you meant. Sorry. 😏

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You're up early. 4:00 a.m.?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I am having really painful side effects from the Covid vaccine I got and I can't sleep :/

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm very bored

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Was it your first or second vaccine. I've had both and second one was worse. Not to scare you. I had headache, bodyaches, sore arm and other random pain. I survived so can you. Did I see you say you are leaving the site or was it the other person?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

It was my second. Last night I was at a friends and I threw up because the nausea was unbearable. Yesterday, the aching joints, which got worse throughout the day and night. I had no idea it would hurt so bad. I'm not upst about it but I do look like a little old ady trying to walk!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Lol. Yeah I guess that is what it's going to be like for us walking in the future. I felt weird walking lie that too. Lol. Mine pain lasted like a day and a half. I still get minor pain sometimes. Bearable. Sorry you had to go thru that. But you're now protected fro getting too sick from it if you get covid. I'm glad I got it.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm not sorry at all, I am blessed to have gotten mine so quickly. It is worth the pain! I'm glad you got yours too. You didn't tell me how come you're up so early though!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Oh and I have no plans to leave the site. Currently I'm a bit fixated on it. Why are you up?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I don't sleep well at nite. I take an Ambien er but I only get about 4 or 5 hours of sleep with it. Was told I should be getting 8 or more with it. So up at around 430 usually. Go to bed at 11-11:30 and up 430-5. I have other issues but I dont think others want to hear about those.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Being a driver a couple days a week the doctors wanted to take away my cdl because I'm not getting required amount of sleep.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Oh no, that's so stressfull. To my knowledge the only ambien that is gauranteed to keep people asleep is the kind that has another ambien in the middle of it. Were you upset with the doctors for being concerned about your CDL?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yes I was. I would've lost my job. Have to have cdl to work there I was lucky my physician at the time was a friend of mine and she signed off on it because she knew my sleep habits. Made sure that I wasn't overtired in the morning to drive truck (straight truck not semi). She did alot for me. Now she has left the clinic and I miss her because she really worked hard for my health. I had lost 30 pounds with her help.to also keep my cdl. I was over weight and they say that being overweight can cause strokes and they didn't want it happening while driving their vehicles. Don't blame them.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yeah thats so scary when a job is at risk. How amazing you had a good person advocating for you, I wish there were more people like your friend out there. Some of the counselors I work with, they dont care about their patints at all. It's infuriating. What else do you spend your time doing?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I can give you a run down in a bit. I'm dressing for work and be leaving quickly. But can chat after I get there. So be back in a bit.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Okey dokey. The medicine I took for the pain is a little drowsy but I'll be aroubd for a while PS my throat swelled shut lol

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Oh shit. I thot I had that feeling too after I got the vaccine. Wasnt sure. Maybe it did partially but didn't say that because I wasn't sure.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

swollen glands is a side effect. Its fine. Honestly diahrrea as a side effect of a medication is my only deal breaker.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I hear you there.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I think I took too much of the painkillers and somehow they didn't work (not opioids)

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I believe I've heard they didn't work for others. I've also heard to take it before shot but I've heard then it would lessen the effect of the vaccine. So what do you do?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I didn't take over the counter, I got Kratom. I use it for sleep ocassionally. And they can work for pain but I think I would have had to tak a lot more and I'm already pretty buzzed.

I am an addiction counselor specilizing in harm reduction

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Lol. And your buzzed.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Lol yes we are allowed to do that 🤪

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Ambien gives that feeling also. I've noticed I've had the wild eyes look when I looked in mirror.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Ambien scares me, I took it a few times forever ago and then did some weird stuff. Do you stay chill?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Oh yes. For r4 to 5 hours. I'm pretty mellow and happy after taking that.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

And I will add I am having the most pleasant morning listening to clairo and head is hppy haha

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I've enjoyed listening to you and another person on here. You both have made my morning.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Quite, it's good to connect with people.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

And something I rarely do.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Need to do more of You're interesting

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Lol what?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Connect with others.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Right. I've been fully detached for way too long.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

But some are happy being alone. There are days I want to be isolated.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I am an introvert but what I end up doing is completely isolating and it eats away at me

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm like that but never called myself that. I need people's attention but don't. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. Being alone sometimes makes me really bad. Too lonely.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

But I would never dreamt that a person who helps people could be lonely. But I suppose if you have a need I could see how that could be now.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I agree it’s not expected. It takes a lot out of me. I internalize everything my patients feel and they are miserable

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Me too. I don’t feel human if I don’t make some effort. And I hate making that effort. Also being bipolar, loneliness can lead to some bad thoughts

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

That would be hard to intake and not be able to output the feelings. You're under HIPPA to not release info.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I can process with my coworkers if something a patient tells me derails me.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I’m also under CRF 42 and that’s a federal law.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

That one I haven't heard of. Not sure why because I work for health Department but with food distributing. Cannot disclose clients or their information.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

It applies specifically to addiction treatment

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Ok. That's why. Thanks.

[Foreverlovely]

Hey hello ducky! Thanks for sharing! I would absolutely continue to sit with this as it is a huge realization for you! Being dependent on outside validation is really common but also not super healthy. (I say this as someone who struggles with that as well!) I guess my question to you is how do you feel it is not destructive? It’s totally valid to feel conflicting information about your identity. I feel it all the time! But it’s also really helpful to sit in the conflict and really meditate on what is helpful for healing and what isn’t. If you would care to parse through any of that here I would love to listen!

[Hidden in reply to Foreverlovely]

That's a great question! I practice self awareness, CBT, and positive self talk to balance feelings of low self worth, as much as is possible. I'm also very busy working full time as an addiction counselor so most ofthe time, my mind is not on boys, even when I feel lonely. Lastly, I don't socialize much, so I am not providing myself many opportunities to reinforce the erroneous belief that I can attain true validation externally. There was a time when all my self-worth was dependant on men. I will never go back to being that person.

[Hidden in reply to Foreverlovely]

I'd like to add, I do experience conflicting emotions regularly, as you mentioned it's normal. I believe it manifested during extensive abuse during my childhood. I don't generally meditate on things, but I agree with you entirely that it is important to have the experience and understand it. The person I was when I was active in my addiction...she is what I meditate on. She guides me to choose better for myself in the present.

[JLHwho]

Your dog is absolutely adorable and must be protected at all costs 🥺Also love the tattoos!! (assuming that’s you)

I resonate with a lot of the things you said in this post. I don’t have many male friends because I’m going to be honest, they suck lol. The dudes around me all seem to be the toxic masculinity types and that’s a big no from me. With that being said, most of my friends are females. When the voice in your head is constantly belittling you and constantly listing out all your insecurities, attention or compliments are a godsend. It’s worth more if it’s from the opposite sex. We’re just conditioned to think like that. It sucks but as much as people can deny it, the standards set by society do play a huge role in this.

It’s more the getting yourself to accept the attention/believe the compliment that’s the hard part, at least for me. Someone could tell me I could model for GQ but if I don’t ever truly accept and believe it, it might as well have never been said in the first place. So we go seeking validation from another source and it’s just this long vicious cycle of empty compliments and unaccepted attention.

It’s this feeling of unworthiness for ourselves that makes us look outwards for validation. And that’s completely okay. I do it probably more than most 😅

But eventually you realize, the things they’re telling you are the same things you should be telling yourself. I dunno, that’s just my two cents anyways.

[Hidden in reply to JLHwho]

BRUH. You are killing me. Everything you're saying is 100. It is a cycle and it is linked to our self esteem and self worth. And its really never enough because nothing will ever compare to the feeling of actually believing we are worthy. And society and the media bring people even further down so external validation has become the norm. And just to hit that sociology note, people are profitting off our insecurities. So now I'm mad which means now I have to start loving myself! 😂

[JLHwho in reply to Hidden]

Maybe I’m better at this than I originally thought! 😂I’m just a 27 year old dude that decided to share my experiences with others. I don’t have a degree in psychology and I’m definitely not a therapist. If the things I that I say resonate with y’all and offer some kind of clarity, that’s more than enough for me 😁

But yes! I’ve found that self affirmations is a good way of doing this. Take something positive someone else has said about you, look into the mirror and repeat it out loud over and over. I feel and look like a complete idiot in doing so but, I’ve come to realize that just looking at yourself and hearing it in your voice is the easiest way to get yourself to believe it. I mean it is technically coming from you 🙂

[Hidden in reply to JLHwho]

The best part is that its impossible not to laugh while you're lookin like you're on one, talking to the mirror! Laughter is the best medicine.

[Hidden in reply to JLHwho]

PS, that is me with Bella and she is my everything absolutely

[Hidden in reply to JLHwho]

It's true about the dudes that you're talking about. Easier for me to talk to women as they are better listeners and care. Dudes are dicks even if I am one. My parents raised me to respect everyone.

[Hidden]

Well for starters I want to say congratulations on the realization. That is a huge step in the right direction and you should be proud. I understand seeking that outside validation. It's one thing to want to be around others to not be lonely it's a whole different game though when we use others validations to make up for our own insecurities. I ended up becoming co dependent with my ex because of this. She was very dependent on others to solve her suffering for her and so I unfortunately got dragged into that mess. I started looking to her to validate and support me because I was running from my fear of being alone. Now I do have the other issue of I don't really have anyone to talk to so I end up spending weeks by myself which is also slowly driving me crazy. That is why I said it's possible to want others without it being a dependency thing. Despite our best efforts we are humans after all and desire connection with others intimate or not. If your dependency is to cover up for insecurities, which it sounds like it might be since you said it's a specific set of men you seek it from, then I would say you may need to work on self love and self compassion. Learning to care for and love yourself will help with seeking validation. People shouldn't make up for things we lack they should only enhance what we already possess. You are strong, you are capable, you are enough. It is just a matter of seeing your own value and loving the real you.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Duuuuuude, I hear you loud and clear! Appreciate your support! What I meant by the men was that the attention doesnt matter if its not someone I care about and know as a friend or more. I like genuine intimacy. How's that for demanding 😂 Part of the problem is that I have been single for five years! And I work 24/7 so I don't even have time and then yeah some leftover insecurities I'm still working on, you called it

As to your experience, reading your words, I really got the sense that you developed some serious self-awareness so good on you!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

That is understandable. We are all humans have desires. Nothing to be ashamed or. We all seek a connection whether we are introverts or not. The people who claim otherwise are lying. If they are not they are part of the rare >1% of people in the world who actually feel that way. Put yourself out there and make friends talk to people as you can see what comes up. You will find someone. We all have our own insecurities, but as I said practicing self love and self compassion is the best way to address them. We need to have a solid foundation if we are to build anything else.

I will take the compliment, and just add I am only self aware because I doubt my reality almost everyday so I tend to over analyze a lot haha.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Right now I have an amazing job that keeps me very busy and exhausted, I'm not even trying to look for someone. But if the right guy magically appeared, well that would be a dfferent story

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Also much appreciation for the meaningful engagement.

[Hidden]

HelloDucky.Speaking form a male perspective, I had always "needed" a woman in my life to feel complete.. Our society tends to reinforce that belief. Especially during the holidays and Valentines day. After going through a 12 step program for Co-Dependents I found out I was a Co Dependent.. I learned how to be single and independent. I learned to think in terms of wanting or choosing a relationship rather than "needing" one. I learned to love being me and honor myself. I also learned my personal "red flags" when dating. It wasn't easy at first, but I find my self wishing I had discovered my dependency issues long ago... At this point in life, I have a tight circle of friends both men and women , I'm independent and secure in my "singleness" I also have a constant fur bearing four footed companion that is my dog... She is great at "screening" people... I hope this helped in some way.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

It did help because it was mad heart warming! I don't know you but I'm still very proud of all that personal work you did. I'm working on all the same things you did, minus co-dependancy; that's never been a thing for me. I have plenty of other things though.

I actually do love being single. I get to know myself better and better every day. The loneliness is much easier to process because of that. 😁

[Hidden]

I am same way even tho it's the females I crave attention from. I am shy but because when I went to high school the girls/ladies always were so nice to me. The guys all just picked on me and my friend so we do not trust the males of the world. Dont get me wrong I still associate with the males by playing softball (crazy story) just to be able to do something or pass time. I don't there's anything wrong with the seeking out the opposite sex talks because sometimes I think it builds you up by knowing somebody cares. Women to me tend to be good listeners and more caring. I myself have found guys want to be macho and a "hardass". I was raised to respect people. My parents are still alive and I wouldn't want to let them down that I would disrespect people. My mom is always telling me that so and so really thinks you are a really good person. No she doesn't k ow about my issues. I'd rather her not worry about me.