Need to process

[Starrlight]

Some things I used to do, ways I used to act, I am afraid will come back to haunt me... I have been trying to forgive and forget and I do have times of peace and joy but I also fear. I picture those I love and respect finding out about my idiotic adventures and I’ve been getting increasingly afraid of what the future holds for my family.

It helps to get things out here so thanks for listening and if you have any wisdom please share with me.

I’m trying to be in present let the worries flow out and trying to say hey if they don’t respect that I am different now then oh well and I am trying to put faith in God to help things I have no control over and do my best ...what else can I do you know?

[Dolphin14]

I think it you know you have changed that's what's important. People are either going to support you or continue to hold a grudge. That's about them not you.

Know your truth and stick with it

[Sadmama in reply to Dolphin14]

Everyone makes mistakes. You have learned and grown from yours. The people that love you know that. Have faith in them and forgive yourself.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Sadmama]

? Is that meant for Star?

[Starrlight in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you Dolphin! It’s just that some things no one knows about and I’m afraid they will find out. But yeah the wise thing to do I think is know I can’t take it back so put my energy into something I do have power over.

[lillyofthevalley37]

It's part and parcel of being bipolar Starrlight no point in dwelling on it , anyone of us would do the same and more if we had bpd

[Starrlight in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

Lilyofthevalley thanks so much!

[Hidden]

Hi Starrlight,I'm reading a book now that might interest you. The title itself is light and humorous. It's called "The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson. I talk about it in two of my posts here just because it is really helping me and I wanted to share that. The posts I talk about it in our "Book Recommendation" and "Our Responsibility".

I'm sorry you're having hard days now. I am too. I know we can get through them, though.

Just remember that our mistakes don't define us. I'm having trouble convincing myself of that at the moment, but I know it's somehow true.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

That book sounds like it could be helpful I have heard of it... my friend actually taught me to say Fuck it! Whenever something would bother and I’d forgotten about it. Thanks Minnie!!! ❤️

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

You're welcome! Oh that's right! You did tell me this, meaning that you saw my post. So sorry to repeat it. I forgot who responded to my posts and who didn't.Hey, you said you were having trouble with putting pictures in? It's weird, but they said they rolled out that feature and then forgot to put it in the threads in this community! I see it's fixed now. Here's my husband's pride and joy:

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

My husband has big foot stories. Me ive never seen one. He lived in Maine with thick woods as his backyard...

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

He does?! My husband would love to hear them!

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Has your husband ever seen one? Or he is still a believer and finds them fascinating?

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

He's thinking...

I'm editing some church devotionals right now. One of them says that there is much in this life that we don't understand. I wanted to make sure he was listening, so I said "yes, and BigFoot is one of them". If he wasn't listening before, that did it. He said that he understands BigFoot.

(5 minutes later and just when I thought'd he forgotten): "Nope, I haven't seen one"

We have fun with our home offices.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

One time he saw big ass footprints with huge stride a month later got chased by something ...my husband was out in the woods with a friend heard a large thud then amazingly large cluster of trees got smashed back and forth into each other then they yelled oh shit heard another big thud, heard it run, heard a distinct bipedal run, they had 75 yards to get out of the woods and for every couple of my husband’s foot strikes was one of its and it was gaining quickly seemed it could have grabbed them and it stopped at the end of the woods. Seems it could have grabbed them but only wanted to scare them out. Then a week later he was out back bow target practicing and saw him 20 feet in and he was huge probably close to 8 feet tall the thickness was amazing with the cone head enormous shoulders looked like he would weigh 800 pounds super thick so massive so impressive. He knew my husband was there but didn’t look over just continued walking!!!

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Now you did it.🤦‍♀️ Appreciate that massively. He won't stop talking about it. (I'm just joking with you here)Wow, that must have been scary for your husband!! My husband suggests putting up camera traps for next time.

😀

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Haha!!! 😂 too funny That was from when he was growing up in Maine. We now live further away from any dense wooded areas in Virginia. Yeah footage would have been awseome!

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

😂😂😂😂 (Don't tell anyone, but that is what I'm here for).

Have a good day.

❤️

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

😂 ❤️

[Roxylox55 in reply to Starrlight]

Oh my, my husbands brother lives In Maine, so find this Sccaaaary!

[Starrlight in reply to Roxylox55]

Lol! It’s so interesting though isn’t it? I do believe they exist even though I’ve never seen one myself. Maine is a scary place period, well in my experience... I moved to live there for a while years ago and visit and each time I have strange experiences with spirits and such it’s weird I usually end up getting creeped out being there, Stephen King lives nearby where I lived btw.

[Roxylox55 in reply to Starrlight]

Wow! I have never been, they used to live in Boston where we attended their wedding. My sister - in-law introduced me to the works of Jodi Picoult though. She wrote a lot about that area, and many of her books contained strangeness and spirits. I'm afraid I would find the works of Stephen King too scary for me. My husband would be easily frieked too.The kids laugh at us. Cool to be living near him though.!

[Starrlight in reply to Roxylox55]

😊 who is Jodi Picoult? Oh I just looked her up and her titles look so interesting I’d defidently read them

[Hidden]

Hey starlight

I hear u. That tough but in reading ur post I see someone who is walking around with guilt. Mmm, I don't know what u did and I respect you. Your past is in the past and if u have learnt from it, it does not matter because u have become wiser. A wise man once said"a repeated mistake is a decision. "How true is that? We all have made mistake. Believe me when I tell u I have never met a person who does not regret many things they have done in the past, that youth for u, it is filled with embarrassments. What I would suggest though is u sit down and weigh your options here. If you carry that guilt around and be afraid of when it gonner come out, u will increase the level of ur enxiety. We all know enxiety is highly associated with nervousness and in ur case as one who is dealing with depression and or enxiety, that might be something that needs to be looked at. On the other hand, it might break some staff, be it friendships or relationships. So, here u will have to sit down and decide which one is better for you bcz no one can tell u what to do in that case. I hope u do what is right for u.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I will try my best to shed that guilt. I need to stop being afraid. I need to just be. I am meditating much more and being more mindful so that should be a huge help But you are right I do need to make a decision here am I going to carry it around or let it go... thank you Zoom ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

That why we are here friend, to help one another and give different perspective knowing that one day u will be of help to me as well.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

So true! I hope I will be of help to you some time yes! 😊

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Thx

[Hidden]

It's part of being human, making mistakes, doing wild and crazy things. We cannot always know the long-term consequences of our actions or how we will feel about them later on. It's also difficult to come to terms with those decisions we made, but there is a whole body of literature out there outlining how other people get through it. Most of it comes down to finding a way to forgive yourself for simply being human and doing human things. Some of it is just realizing that you did the best you could in the moment, with no other information available to you. It's not justifying whatever happened, but considering it objectively. Everything we live through is a learning experience, and sometimes it's possible to find the lesson in those experiences. There are some philosophers who say we will continue to have the same experiences over and over until we learn what we are supposed to learn from them.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

This is all so very helpful Eyolf it’s really got me pondering why I kept doing the things I did and I think it was part the bipolar and part my ego being out of control which I’m working on loosing I’m reading a book on shedding our ego called Cursed? A friend of mine wrote it. I’m learning to think of myself less obsessing less. I am trying not to fear what others think but I do fear as of now. Thanks for your thoughtful post ❤️ ❤️ 💕 ❤️

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Oh yeah. You can't be held responsible for something you did while in a phase of your bipolar illness. I am an autist and I often have behaviours that are weird, or even violent (think of a temper tantrum) sometimes. I've learned how to recognize triggers that result in an autistic meltdown and I do a whole lot of masking to appear to be what others think of as "normal". I'm glad I could help.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Thank you you are beautiful and amazing!

[Roxylox55 in reply to Starrlight]

Could you tell me is having too big an ego at times part of being bipolar, even when you're not on a high when I know the ego becomes massively inflated.I have bipolar and can come across adtoo boastful at times I feel

[Starrlight in reply to Roxylox55]

Yeah I think maybe so. We definitely believe more in ourselves in my experiences

[Ddorne]

I understand, and me too.

[Starrlight in reply to Ddorne]

(((((((Hug))))))))

[Hidden]

So I know people like to say the line everyone makes mistakes and all that, I come form a different perspective. Yes everyone makes mistakes but no one can really understand this question unless they have really done something terrible. I have. I won't go into specifics but my demons have just come back to haunt me. And I may lose what little friends I have over it. The key is to remember if they truly love you they will see you and who you are now and not what you did. You have to remember that people will typically hear you out and forgive you if they do love you. Not saying they won't hold you accountable for whatever your past is. But they will forgive you. That is really all you can do. You can only hope that they will see you for who you are and have the understanding that you are not the same person you once where. Be happy that you know who you are and if others won't accept that, it's there loss. I know it hurts and I know better than most how stressful it is. But this is all we can do. I am Sorry if this isn't more of a help. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and that someone else is currently going through your fear right now and I am alive and still breathing.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I wish peace for you. I think you sound smart and strong and grounded. We will both get through this.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you. I don't know how smart I am or strong for that matter but I am going to do my best. It's all I have left.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Really all we can do is our best .. you know what’s hard for me is knowing when to push and when to rest.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

I can understand that. It's a struggle but you are doing your best. My issues is getting traction and actually doing something to move forward.