anyone else longing for relationships but is scared about it too? The fear of being intimate, the fear of rejection... so deeply rooted in your system you tense up before you even know it?
I want to escape this prison and find me some love but it makes me realize how many years i ve stayed in the safe zone just to protect myself. Its depressing...howi denied myself love,or new friends and new adventures....thats whats life is all about.
Can anyone relate? how do you deal with it? dating and anxiety i mean....
thansk and love
Jerry
Written by
Jerry_Adam
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
It’s nice to hear from you, I’m glad you’re here. I can definitely relate to what you’re going through. My first (and only serious) relationship went pretty well for awhile, but I couldn’t handle the constant anxiety and thoughts that my girlfriend was going to leave me, so I ended the relationship. It’s important to leave the “safe zone” you described to find connection, but you did what you thought was best for yourself, so try not to be too hard on yourself for that.
I’m trying to get back out there and meet new friends and potential partners, but COVID seems to have other ideas. Hang in there, and know that you’re not alone in trying to seek connection. I’m always here if you want to talk.
So I'm not the only one who deals with this? I am always so afraid, and seemingly for no good reason, that my boyfriend is going to leave me, and so this causes us to argue because I make my accusations with little rational reasoning behind them, which then makes me even more afraid that he's going to leave me. It seems to be a never-ending cycle, but I know in my heart that he loves me, I don't know why my brain can't quite comprehend.
Nope, you’re not alone in fear of abandonment. I dealt with that for almost a year in my past relationship. If I could have done anything differently, I would’ve spoken openly with my ex about my fear of abandonment and sought therapy. That way she could’ve supported me without feeling the pressure of being my entire support system. My situation is probably a lot different from yours, but I hate to see good things be ruined by fear and I hope my story can help you in some way. Good luck!
As Heorge_Garrison said, you're not the only one. It's hard to put yourself out there sometimes and the rejection can be very painful. But, I think, at the end of the day, connection is worth it. I liken it to a job search - which is also fraught with rejection. It helps to remember that you're choosing too. It may also help to desensitize yourself to the rejection - I used to counsel people to apply for jobs they didn't want so they would get practice interviewing. In that vein, I would offer up the idea of going on a lot of first dates - 20 or so, with no attachment to the outcome and no expectation of a second date. Don't look ahead. Just practice being in the moment of a first date and find out what resonates with you and what doesn't.
Great advice, but dang, reading that just sent a shiver down my spine. The idea of leading a “consistent” social life is scary to me, I much prefer to remain anonymous and let a select few people into my social sphere.
I'm an extroverted introvert. I had to learn to let my extroverted side out, as I realized that I either had to get out and meet people or have no social life. I also had to learn to attend professional networking events for my job. It was SO awkward at first, but I eventually got better at it. After a couple of friends reveal to me that they have Social Anxiety, I came to realize that being social with new people can be harder for some. We each do what we can.
I hear you, being forced to improve any aspect of life by necessity is helpful. My job involves talking to people on the phone frequently, so I’ve been able to build a good extroverted “persona”. As in, I’m able to find something to converse with pretty much anyone about. It’s just the follow through that needs some work. I was getting a little better at it before Covid hit, but now it’s been rumination city for almost a year.
omg JLC.... you're me; or i'm you... i too - am an extroverted introvert. i had to really push myself out there - only now i don't think i have much energy left - so i'm back to being an introvert again... unsure if i even want to do the extrovert thing again - even tho i really do want to find true connections.
Every minute of every day. I divorced in 2002 and have not dated or been intimate with anyone since. I raised my son alone and at the time he was 2. He's 21 now. I have been alone so long I am terrified to even attempt dating. For me it is fine but I do miss dating and laughing. I am sure you have a lot more going on for yourself than I do. Just take a leap of faith and start dating. Just Take things very slow and just enjoy being out and sharing a nice dinner or a picnic in the park.
I am sorry for what youve been through - I read alot of your comments. Its understandable to crave love but be scared at the same time when we have been let down and hurt. I dont want to invalidate everything youve been through but I noticed you said to Jerry Adam 'I am sure you have alot more going on for yourself than I do'. You have as much value too. We are all important and have value including you. 🌼🌷🌻
Thank you cuddly-bear. I know I do but sometimes when people prove me right when they are jerks to me, I guess it just reinforces the self doubt I have for myself.
I definitely understand the fear of dating and intimacy. And you say you don’t have much going for you, but I’m sure that’s not true. I hope you find dates and laughter again!
I am listening to Dr. Tracey Marks and Dr. Daniel Fox and also Medcircle and Psych2go is helpful. Have you ever read or listened to attachment styles? "You can change with good boundaries,by managing thoughts feelings emotions and images, and you can have a warm close loving relationship." Sometimes unresolved trauma and or difficulties in past relationship s can affect our present. I hope the resources will help you. I'm taking notes and looking back over them and still struggling yet making some progress. I'm also in the process of redefining and rediscovering myself. What hobbies or interests do I have? Can I be a good listener. What can I do to change ? I hope this helps you.
I commend you for examining yourself in an attempt to better your life. I’m trying to do the same thing, and I also enjoy watching Psych2Go videos. I think they’re good about reminding me of ways in which I have value, but also being realistic.
not only can i relate - but i'm a textbook example of what you should not do.
i've only in the last number of years (my awakening) realized i've used a relationship to avoid love, and real intimacy. realized i've been living a lie - to myself. i'm not happy; i'm alone even though with company; and i'm feeling without any real connection.
in the awakening, i've learned that you can be alive and not live. that you need to be vulnerable and risk hurt to really live. that a 'safe' life, without pain - is not living - it's a living death. true fulfillment can't be found in a job, or in what you accomplish - it only comes with true connectedness to another soul. and that can only come with exposing and sharing vulnerabilities.
doesn't that sound like it makes sense? don't i sound smart to have discovered that wisdom? well i'm not patting myself on the back... if i'm smart enough to know that wisdom - then shouldn't i be smart enough to implement that knowledge???? the answer is a resounding - apparently not.
i know the answer - but i have yet to pull the trigger. in fact - not only have i not pulled the trigger - but i haven't even loaded a round in the chamber yet!!! i can't seem to take even the first step toward doing what i know i need to do to find any hope of true fulfillment and happiness.
you think you're in a prison??? i'm in a prison of my own design - and i hold the friggin key in my hand - but can't or won't insert it into the lock, let alone - god forbid - turn it!!!
i have the answer - but it's as good as not having it at all - cause i won't (at least not yet) use it.
so how do I deal with it? easy - I DON'T. (or haven't yet)
only thing i can say for sure - you aint alone. not that, that's much comfort.
I hear you. I’ve also found some “answers” that I’m having trouble implementing, including our common realization that achievement can’t replace connection. However, I will say that achievement can help foster connection. For example, I learned to play guitar, and I can use that as a way to bring joy to the lives of others. Or, even more relevant to this conversation, our “realizations” that we’ve come to through loneliness, depression, etc may seem useless, but we can use that experience and knowledge to comfort others going through the same thing. At least that’s what I’m trying to do. Hang in there, and I’m here if you want to talk.
Please be patient and compassionate with yourself. Maybe theres something else thats unresolved thats holding you back? Reevaluate redefine and rediscover. I ask myself am I ready to step forward safely? What else needs to be done.?
unfortunately - while i can muster reserves of patience for others that surprises even myself... i'm not so good with that toward myself... i want to be my ideal of me - and i want it now!!!
i am struggling with trying to understand what's holding me back... and i'm not having alot of success moving that ball.
it's always easier to solve others' problems... :-|
well - in psychology - there's a theory for that... "self fulfilling prophesy" -- idea basically is - fake it until you make it...
if you tell yourself enough times that your improving - you WILL improve. this is also called "positive mental attitude"... positivity CAN help to pull you out of depression - if it's not too deep a depression. but even if it is a deep depression - positivity will help to raise you out - tho medication is often needed to assist with the lift...
.
depression really should be considered an ongoing recovery. anyone that experiences depression is more likely to experience it again. so we that have this issue must always be on lookout for its return - and we must be diligent about our mental attitude and what we say in our head - and how we say it. we need to strive for a positive theme. all of this helps to prevent recurrences.
in addition - if a recurrence comes - we shouldn't beat ourselves up - sometimes spit happens. we just need to get back to fighting it full force again.
.
and BTW, GS - you're not alone! i've been faking my happiness across multiple long periods in my life... sometimes it works better than others...
.
right now - in the midst of covid - we're ALL under incredible stress - and EVERYTHING is harder!!
Hello Jerry, I can definitely relate with this. I find I often steal my own happiness by not allowing anyone in, or when I do, my anxiety and paranoia pushes them away. That’s kind of what brought me here. I’m afraid I’m yet to find a way out of this but I just want you to know you’re not alone.
Please be patient compassionate understanding and self talk soothe stay grounded or if you cannot stay grounded tell yourself not to react. Find something you can do together yet if you push the other person away forgive yourself because sometimes we hold back on self forgiveness.
Thanks I appreciate your honesty. Depression flare ups can still be a challenge to manage and it irritates me when I hear someone say your fine it can't be that bad and I know sometimes I need to be alone to recuperate yet other times solace is needed in a specific person or the most wonderful companion in the world a cat.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Anxiety, depression and feeling lonely. 
Lonely
Lonely
Lonely
Lonely
