Hi, I’m new here. Been wanting to find an online support group for my depression and anxiety for a while now. I do see a therapist twice a month but sometimes having a place to get things off my chest in between is desirable. Anyway, I told my therapist in my last session that I have been ruminating like crazy lately, and wanting to write to get it all out of my head but then I get stuck on that because I think too far ahead and feel like I have to write for an audience, and then I have to decide who my audience is, and then censor myself appropriately. She agreed that I was thinking too far ahead, and told me to just “word vomit“ and write for myself. So I did that a little bit tonight, but then of course I still wanted to share it with someone. So I thought if I found a support group where I could be anonymous, I could share whatever I write uncensored and then, I don’t know, maybe hear from someone who gets me. I hope this doesn’t break any rules.
So here’s what I wrote tonight...
Anxiety
Most of my anxiety comes from past experience. I will be paralyzed, afraid to say certain things or ask certain questions because I just don’t want to repeat the same fights I have been through over and over again. Because somewhere in my past, someone responded to those things or those questions in the same way repeatedly enough that now I expect everyone to respond the same way. And I just can’t deal with it anymore.
If I’m expecting someone and they are overdue, do I reach out to them? And what should I say? Experience tells me that no matter what I say, no matter how I ask, they will accuse me of nagging, being selfish and impatient, thinking the world revolves around me and never considering the fact that something more important might have come up that might have interfered with their plans. And is that because that is how everyone has always responded? No… Just a few key people whose opinions of me mattered to me, probably a bit too much, and whose voices I can’t get out of my head even now that I know they were asshole idiots whose opinions shouldn’t mean shit.
They never had an answer for what was the “right“ way to say things or go about things. It was always just, you did this wrong, or it’s your tone, or it’s the way you went about it. But it didn’t matter what I did. I could keep my tone as soft and even as humanly possible, I could use the most non-confrontational language in the world, just to ask a simple question, and these key people would find fault with “how I went about it“. When I would beg for them to tell me what it was they wanted from me, because I had tried everything I knew of and still couldn’t please them, I would get “you know exactly what you did,“ or worse, just an eye roll.
I got so tired of having these arguments, and simultaneously so convinced that there really was something wrong with the way I interact with people, yet those who criticized me only wanted to criticize and not to offer anything helpful. So I became terrified to engage in any interactions similar to those that had sparked these arguments in the past. Afraid to ask how long something will take. Afraid to ask when someone might be able to help me. Or for that matter, sometimes afraid to even ask for help. Afraid to speak up when I think something isn’t fair, when I and/or others are not being treated well. Sometimes even afraid to tell a joke.
How does your brain work & process things?
‼️people are trauma dumping on my and i’m anxious someone please help‼️
The door of my brain
I want my brain back ugh
brain fog / brain shocks / anxiety is so high
