I think it is ok to feel all kinds of emotions and natural that there are different types of moods. Like happy, sad, ecstatic, hopeless, happy, hated, it's ok for me to have all the moods and feelings. What matters is how I process them. Some moods and feelings are lies, I try not to process them as truths. My routine is to acknowledge the thought, let it pass through the door of my mind, if it is a thought that is uplifting or necessary, I might ponder before I close the door. If my next thought is not beneficial to me then I still acknowledge the thought or feeling but I push it through that door of my mind and quickly close the door. If it comes back, I acknowledge it and I push it through that door again and then close it promptly. The trick for me is being more involved in my thoughts immediately after I have them. I am learning, though. Writing this conglomeration really helped me, I hope it makes sense to someone out there because it's ok, we are all ok. Push those unwanted, non -beneficial thoughts through the door in your mind and close it. With love to all, I keep working on it, it's helping to have a choice in what I spend my time thinking about, try it maybe it will be helpful to you
The door of my brain: I think it is ok... - Anxiety and Depre...
The door of my brain
Hi NoRegret, you are absolutely right in that hanging onto a negative thoughtgets us no where. Allowing those intrusive thoughts that may make an appearance
at times, gently accept it as not worthy and continue on with your day.
Anxiety eventually will get the idea that negativity is not welcome in our mind
Thanks for your post and input. Very helpful 
xx
((((((((((Hi there Beautiful Agora )))))))))
Good Thoughts, Good Day xx
NoRegret
This is great that you have learned something that helps you.
I would like to share something a bit different that I've learned through IFS therapy. I will interchange the word emotions for mood.
IFS tells me to close off my mind and look inside my open heart to what my emotions are telling me. Emotions are important and they may stem from something deeper than what is happening at the moment. I have been taught how to analyze my emotions from inside my body. I have found most of my reactions to things stem from childhood emotional abuse. The wounds are what open up and cause my sadness or fears etc. they are all parts of me and I accept them and learn to live with them.
I hope it was ok to share my story
🐬
I absolutely agree with your approach. I think often many of us older crowd were raised to just ignore our feelings, be in denial, and just 'get on with it'. That hasn't worked out too well for a lot of us who do need the in-depth work done to process mental injury so that we can learn to live with some things and accept what we cannot change more easily.
" get over it" was one of my mothers lines. Didn't matter if she hurt me and I cried, that's what I was told.
This form of therapy really taught me so much about myself. I ignored and stuffed emotions my whole life. Then a trauma took place and I couldn't stuff my feelings anymore. I've done years of work and it's paying off
❤️🐬
I mean to ask not what it is but how its worked for you. Did this therapy take a few years to work? You can IM me.
Both you and I know that some parents' cruelty has no bounds... and no empathy. I was just talking to a friend about some of the things I was put through, and they just couldn't understand how a 'so called' parent could be so callas and indifferent to a child's needs. I told them what a therapist told me...'they just don't have it in them to give love'... I replied that's fine, but the cruelty aspect they certainly do have in spades. And I may be able to understand that they are not wired to be able to show compassion or love, but their actions speak volumes about who they really are as people... my mother is and always will be a monster. I had to cut her out of my life finally some years ago, the insults, manipulation, and meanness just is always there, so I am not.
Yes we do know. For me it was not only my mother but siblings that followed her footsteps. Something odd with my mother. When I went into the 4th grade she went to nursing school. She loved her job and according to some of her peers I met she was a loving nurse. So, how could she give that to someone else? I'm not clear on that part of her.
All I know is she was brutally mean, insulting, belittling, and on and on I could go.
As we have said before we made it
❤️🐬
My mother was the same... always pit my younger brother and sister against me. When I was moved back in to mind them, they were taught to see me as 'the help', they were never encouraged to include me in anything as I was 'Less than', in her eyes. Even as an adult, she would degrade me in front of them and strangers.
But when it came to how she would have such compassion for a perfect stranger, you would think she was 'Mother Teresa', yeah... a real doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde act.
My mother's deal I found out many years later was denial of her actions and inability to accept responsibility for them. She gave birth to me in a home for unwed mothers... and had the old Catholic guilt thing ingrained on her. But also, she abused me as a small girl, she was a sicko, and she tried to forget all her treatment of me by making me the villain that ruined her life, and therefore used me to her dump all her anger, guilt, and disappointment with life.
I'm over that now for the most part, and have moved on to knowing I'm loved, and valued...she no longer has any access to me or my life, and has no power over me. It's just something I have learned to live with, some of us just are not going to have loving parents, so we become our own loving parent to our little kid inside us. I'll always be a work in progress because of the extent of the mental injury, but that's okay.
I'm a work in progress too. I thought I would be healed completely when my abuser (step Mom) died. Guess what, she can't get to me anymore but I am still left with the memories. I deal as promptly as I realize I am stuck replaying things in my brain. Yep, a work in progress.
The thing most people with mental injury often also struggle with CPTSD, don't know that this kind of injury is very deeply engrained in the limbic region of the brain, and it never completely goes away. So we who also have depression are dealing with the chemical imbalance of the low mood swings plus any trigger of memories of the abuse we received. I'm in my sixties and still get triggered, but it's part of who I am, and it's always going to be an issue, the only thing I can say is, it does get better if you work at it. I don't let it define me anymore, I just have to ride it out some days.
((((((((((( love ❤️Healing ))))))))))
((((((((((((( love ❤️ Healing )))))))))))))
I've missed your 'signature love and healing', messages my friend
Awww thanks ... here’s some extra love ...
thanks pal... may your days be peaceful and healing ...
Thanks ... how are you today?
Unfortunately... the 'long covid' symptoms are flaring up again... bummer.... but I can't complain though really, this too shall pass eventually... being retired and having the comfort of a roof over my head makes all the difference in the world.
Wow, that tree is so beautiful 😘
(((((((((((((((((( love❤️Healing )))))))))))))
Yes I have had the get over it and forget about it lines thrown at me many times over the years as well!
Point is things that appear silly and trivial to one person aren't to someone else!
Dolphin, can you tell me a little about IFS? Is it like inner child work?
Hi samack
IFS stands for internal family systems. It's basically about all the parts that make up who we are. Our parts for example are things like anxiety, fear, sadness, anger, irritability, self critic...emotions and reactions.
For me there was a huge component of inner child work.
My anxiety started at the age of 5. Anxiety for me is a warning sign that something may happen. So through therapy when we began to explore this part of me it always traced back to the little girl in me being afraid something bad was going to happen. Now when I find myself in an anxiety producing situation I systematically work through the IFS approach and I can settle myself down.
There are some good you tubes on it where you can see how it works. I understood nothing about what I was doing when I started it. As time went on I found it to be such a key piece of my healing. Looking within myself, talking to my inner child and supporting her.
❤️🐬
Good question
I absolutely love this reply Dolphin! Concentrating on the emotions over the thoughts, fantastic.
And yes, I too am of that generation. Both my parents were messed up wrecks from different traumas. Rather than facing the problems they had they were brushed aside, stiff upper lip and all that, turning both parents into nasty beings not worthy of anyone's time, unfortunately. My father even today would call me a 'poof' if he knew I was even looking at this group. I'm so glad I've pulled myself away from that upbringing.
By the way, I'm not gay, but do understand that the term poof could be deemed offensive. I hope it's understood by you guys in context and no one does feel offended.
No offense taken on the wording.
My mother would call me all kinds of things if she knew I was in therapy and on here as well. Mental health issues were a weakness in her eyes. She couldn't see her own and her generation didn't believe in it. So look who gets to pick up the pieces, we do.
Glad my explanation made sense. It's hard to explain how it all works.
Peace to you
🐬
Many years ago my parents got a phone call off the deputy head at the school my brother went to asking them to come and see him as my brother had hit another pupil who had called my father a poof!
My brother got shouted at and told he had brought shame on the family for having hit that other pupil at the school!
Now that I’m a lot older, I can relate to what you are saying about childhood experiences of growing up and beyond with a mother who not only didn’t love me but had her favourites. Reading through the post and all the replies is upsetting in itself, and I can relate to it myself. I feel I was not loved or liked from the day I was born. She always enjoyed telling me that when I was born, the nurses slapped me to make me cry. And she as a mother couldn’t feed me herself, so I didn’t get any milk until the nursing staff told my Mother after 4 days, this baby needs formula milk. By that time she said my legs looked very thin. I see now, reading these replies, that my anxiety has come from my early childhood and beyond.
Myself and my sister in law had a chat and came to the conclusion that I had received lots of psychological abuse off my parents just because I wasn't the child that they wanted.
They have favourites as well and they bought my sister a house which had really upset me at the time but now time has passed by I feel by accident that they did me a favour as by that kind of behaviour they have spared me from doing elder care for them!
We reap what we sow is my view on things!
Back last September my sister in law and I had been out into town one Sunday for a walk round bute park and I had come back home and had rung mY mother and got the phone slammed down on me and the excuse was that on that Monday the back door was getting fixed!
Myself and my friends laughed about this and made the excuses into entertainment over why things can't happen and I said I have heard everything Now!
The other week it was Christmas Eve and we were out and one of my friends said to me had their been any excuses lately and I said no sadly there haven't as after that in September I decided the best thing to do for myself is nothing and the best course of action is to save myself the upset and not bother unless in the extremely rare event I really really have nothing better to do then perhaps get in contact as with all due respect that was very rude!
If you feel so irritated by the fact someone has dared to ring you then don't bother picking up the phone is what I do!
Childhood emotional neglect gives us no foundation. No warm lap to fall into. No one to hug us when we are hurt.
It amazes me how many have gone through it. I never understood it myself till a few years ago. Once I got deep into my therapy I realized what I never had. I also see how it programmed me to feel insecure, unworthy, not important.
I'm sorry you experienced this. I'm sorry for all of us. We can heal ourselves but it takes work.
Peace to you and remember how important you are
❤️🐬
It's like having an office door slammed shut in your face when a parent treats you like that!
My sister in law said how the poor way I was treated is a reflection of the poor way they feel about themselves and how they are very very unhappy people who should be pitied.
I agree they had their own issues and that's why they acted that way. Sad.
Yes, getting the door slammed in your face is not good.
I will be working forever to heal that pain
❤️🐬
This all sounds familiar about the telephone calls. My Mother used the excuse of: “I’ll have to go, there’s someone at the door” I’m glad you were able to laugh about it with your friends.
Back in April last year I was informed that my father had been taken seriously ill by text FFS!
With all due respect text isn't appropriate to tell people bad news and I didn't receive the courtesy of a phone call to say my father had died that Sunday lunchtime back in April as if I hadn't rung as I felt giving me bad news by text was inappropriate I would have found out that my father had died through text and to be fair to text it's not for important news to say someone has died or been taken ill that's what the traditional phone is for.
Shows the immaturity behaving like that and cowardly as well all because I wouldn't give them their own way back in 2019 when I stood up to them after they ordered me to stay at a job!
I would have put that to the side if I had been angry at someone for not giving me my own way and rung them up to explain what had happened as I feel things like death and serious illness put things into perspective and treat the person the decent way I would wish to be treated myself and give bad news over a voice call as its more respectful than receiving shocking news over beep beep text!
My sister in law and friends said I should cut her off for doing that and after I had received that bad news and I had said I had just received bad news and needed time to calm down and think things through before making any decisions as angry decisions aren't the best ones!
After I had calmed down from the shock I decided that in the extremely rare event I have nothing better to do then I will see about getting in contact rather than a cutoff!
I’ve sent you a PM. When I was going to cut my Mother & elder sister off, I was advised by a stranger to stay in touch with them.
Thanks for that. I did decide I will leave the door open for now when I was thinking rationally after I had calmed down and like I said previously on the rare event I really really have nothing better to do then I will be in contact and keep on making entertainment out of the nasty attitude when it comes round again.
Thank you for replying. I’ve been looking up books about the therapy you speak of. And I will try & keep in mind, how important I am.
Heres another story of having the door slammed in my face!
Many years ago I was 24 and I had rung my parents outside the allocated appointment time and I was in distress when I rang and they were rude to me and it had felt like the phone hadn't quite been slammed down on me as how dare I ring them outside the allocated appointment time and this had made things worse!
The supervisor where I worked at the time who had a little boy who will be 30 something by now had been disgusted when I said about the allocated appointment time to ring!
One of the cooks in the kitchen had a daughter who was my age called Donna and I had asked cook did their Donna need an appointment to ring her and her step dad and she had been horrified as well about that and had said no their Donna didn't need an appointment to ring she is cooks daughter and can ring any time she needs to!
My main point is that if you are so annoyed because someone dares to ring you outside an allocated appointment time or hasn't booked an appointment at all with you then don't answer the phone at all!
If they hadn't answered I wouldn't have thought anything of it as I understand that people don't just sit on the couch all day every day waiting for the phone to ring and the world doesn't revolve around the phone does it and I wouldn't have been upset.
What upset me over that was the rude attitude as like I say if you are so irritated as someone has dared to ring you and interrupted what you were doing and what you were doing is important then don't pick up the phone as there's no need for rudeness and perhaps call them back later when you aren't so irritated because you have been rung without a booked appointment!
Selfish pigs!
At the time when that happened it had felt like the world had ended!
Nowadays I am comforted by the fact that when they are rude to me like that they are damaging themselves the most!
Terrible situation. And I don’t suppose you’ll ever know why she is horrible to you. “Why “ always comes to mind about my mother. I was relieved when she died over 12 years ago, but annoyed as well because I don’t know “why” about so many things.
What I have come up with is why is she so horrible to me is that the nub of the problem is that I wasn't the child she wanted so lashes out over stupid and petty things say like holidays and days out and being rude on the phone!
Jealousy over opportunities is another reason as well I reckon.
Back in 2019 I found out the truth and in one way it was a relief to know no I wasn't being silly and overreacting over that kind of behaviour and no I wasn't oversensitive and it was great to know that my instincts were right that that kind of behaviour was deliberate and malicious but in another way knowing the truth hurt though as its not nice when a parent treats you like that and you have done nothing wrong and all its to do with is because you weren't the child they wanted so they take their anger and frustrations out on you and to do that to a growing child is child abuse!
Also back in 2019 I was told to go away and that my problems weren't important and others in the family are more important to me and my petty little problems!
Point is what problems are stupid and petty to one person aren't to another and those things were things that mattered to me personally.
There have been times I haven't been able to get to the phone when my friends children have rung me and when I have 5 minutes I give them a call back and apologise for missing the call or if a call is important they will call back later on if for any reason I cant get to the phone or I don't want to answer it!
In no way would I do that to friends or relatives answer the phone and then be rude and abrupt to them when they are in distress like I was and make them feel they are being a nuisance!
Last Monday me and my friends had gone on a lunchtime walk round the neighbourhood and my phone had gone and I had answered it and was rude and abrupt to the person on the other end as I was annoyed and it was someone trying their luck say if it had been a genuine friend or relative I wouldn't have answered and if the calls important they will ring back later on or I will call them back when I have a spare half hour with no interruptions as no one likes to feel they are a nuisance for calling as you don't know that that friend or relative on the end of the line might be in distress and in no way would I want to make it worse for them by answering and being short with them as how dare they ring me and interrupt my day so calling them back when I have 5 minutes spare or them calling later is the way to go!
All these stories resonate with me. It's funny how much you can accept as normal when you're a kid, until you age and realise how awful your childhood actually was.
I know there are always those worse off than you, it's a horrible world, but that doesn't stop us from suffering in other ways.
It's nice to know we're not alone though, there really are a lot of us.
Here's a funny story though!
Back last July when it was boiling hot here in the UK I had planned to meet a friend in one of the little parks near where I live for friendship and a catch up and it was a Saturday morning and my mother had rung me and had said how my brother was getting a car handed to him so what I did was I got off the phone and cut the conversation off early saying how I was meeting a friend at 10.30am and really it was 11am so bye and I got off the phone and met my mate at 11 and told her what I had done and we laughed and laughed and she said I had done the right thing in bringing our time forward to 10.30 as she wouldn't know it was a lie to get off the phone and hanging it up!
I love the name... it's a good place to start.
Thanks for that dolphin,I never really thought about that little girl inside me .The one who would get herself so worked up she would often run away from school
And thanks to you NoRegret I would like to have a bio like yours
She's still in there and she may be the one running from things now.
❤️🐬
Have you heard of the 'Outer Child'.... it's a whole other thing... kind of the anti-inner child that comes from our emotional abandonment and abuse issues.
FauxI just looked this up. I had never heard of it and I'm very surprised to be honest. I've done so much reading and learning and it's never been mentioned. I'm going to study this some more.
Thank you
❤️🐬
((((((((((( love❤️ Healing))))))))))
Lots of food for thought here ,people often ask me who I am today ,but it always goes down as a joke .
Reading all these posts I can only imagine what you all went through as children , I count my blessings for a happy loving chidhood 🙏
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