I need help.
I’m spiraling and I can feel it getting out of control. I live in a country where mental illness is explained away with “spirituality” by really decent, salt of the earth folks. They say they understand, maybe I should talk about it... but I don’t want to talk about it... because there isn’t anyone who can really REALLY understand. And that is my deepest trigger. That I am around well meaning people who just don’t ... GET IT.
I spoke to my mom about this (really just opened up all the depressive ugliness of my mind without holding anything back) for the first time and I saw how overwhelming it was for her, it triggered her own deep seated traumas and I just ended up making the poor woman weep when that wasn’t my intention. I understand her feeling this way; I am her only child, she has had great hopes for me but one of them certainly wasn’t for me to have chemical imbalances in my brain which basically rob me of feeling normal.
So I cannot really talk to her and explain the extent of the pain I’m in more than I already have because I only end up causing her more pain. Yet I NEED HELP!
I can’t talk to my boss - who’s also a good friend - about it because I’m worried he might decide I’m not fit enough to work on the many projects we’ve planned out. I need the distraction of work so at least I can look forward to making money to care for myself.
I really don’t even have friends I can turn to and truly pour this out. I’ve always felt left out and misunderstood - and now I realize it’s because I’m a miserable sack of a black hole which literally sucks the joy from every room when I decide to be myself because I’m tired of putting on the socially acceptable mask of ‘normalcy’ just to fit in - or turned into the one who gets the group’s good natured teasing; which for a chronically depressed person doesn’t feel good natured at all... so I decided to remove myself from these situations, accept that it is my fault that I cannot fit in and I cannot blame others for not getting me; and finally be alone.
Sadly, ‘Alone’ seems to be backfiring these days cos it doesn’t seem to be working anymore, I feel like maybe I’m losing touch with just how to relate with regular people.... normal people... sane people. That’s just the issue. It makes me feel like giving up, I think about it a lot, but I know I will never let that darkness swallow me, because I KNOW what my problem is. I’m sick. It’s not because I’m a failure even though I feel that way all the time, it’s not because I’m unloved, that would be untrue, it’s not because I’m worthless regardless of all the hormones swirling around in my brain basically making me FEEL that way... I KNOW what the problem is and I need help, professional help. Therapy. But, in this country? I don’t know... I don’t know if I can get THE RIGHT therapy here. I don’t know if there are therapists that can handle the muddle that my brain currently is.
I’m so tired of this constant psychological pain which translates very easily into emotional, physical and spiritual pain. I’m tired. Beyond belief. This tiredness is the kind I feel inside of my bones, I feel it when I close my eyes for a brief moment. These suicidal thoughts I have, worry the very few people who know because they assume I’ll snap and do it.
I won’t. I know why I’m feeling like this. I know that this is as a result of the illness afflicting me. My brain does nothing but flood my whole body with all kinds of negative hormones because the controls are faulty. The regulators in my brain have short circuited, so when I should just be in a mood to relax and admire a flower garden, I feel like I’m stuck alone in the desert, about to die of thirst.
I’m tired. Of feeling one way and having to put on a different face to keep those around me comfortable.
I’m tired of waking up in the morning feeling like my life has come to an end and I’m a complete failure and my mother has just died and no one will ever love me because I’m crazy ... I’m tired of the burden of the emotions of these thoughts.
Tired of having to remind myself that me feeling like I’ve done something to deserve this sort of torture is just my mind playing tricks on me because of the illness.
I’m tired of waking up tired. I’m tired of constantly fighting tears over little things, I’m tired of feeling like I’m worthless because I cannot find gratitude for what I have when there are those who have less than me, living their lives happy. I’m tired of feeling like an ingrate. I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay just because I don’t want to come off weak or seeking attention when “everyone is suffering too.” I don’t want to live like this anymore.
I’m tired of a broken mind which only thinks about things others give fleeting thought to; When will this planet die? Why don’t we see that we are killing ourselves? Why did we ever create the concept of ‘Money’? How can people who are so rich, sleep at night knowing that there are people who are so poor they sleep seated on the floor because there’s no space to stretch out...why should I worry about Antarctica melting and African Metropolises getting so hot, skin peels! when it isn’t even something people talk about with any sense of urgency... why should I have a mind that thinks we really are nothing but biological pieces of the same organism and we are no different from one another, and feel crazy for believing that all of humanity holds the same validity of existence...
I’m tired of things that don’t even make sense to me yet they make sense. I just want to have some peace. I just want to live; somehow, without all of this pain, without this tiredness... I’m so incredibly tired.
I may be weak for “letting myself feel that way” if that’s how it is viewed by those who say they do not understand or care to understand, well... it’s alright. I accept it. I’m weak. It’s okay then.
I’m tired and that’s just the end of it.
🖤
Ps: I’m sorry if this triggers. I just want somewhere to be truly honest and not hide words or be diplomatic. If you’re feeling these things, I pray we get through it. One step at a time I guess....