Okay I am really upset and confused and there is a trigger warning:
So yesterday I got a new bra it is a cute black bra not too sexy or like hot and since I didn't go shopping w my friends I wanted their opinion on it. So I sent it to my close friend Kyleigh who has no issue w me doing that type of thing and gives me her honest opinion. And I sent it to this girl I just met and we will call her M. So when M got it she freaked out and I apologized immediately but she blocked me on everything.
M told all her friends about it and made it sound like I sent a nude of myself to her and one of those friends is my ex. Him and I just broke up like a few days ago and I really love him and we will call him J. J and I broke up bc I wasn't ready for a relationship and it was kind of mutual. So J starts talking to me about it and I apologize, he was mostly upset bc I sent a minor (m is 15/16 and I just turned 18) a pic of me in a bra and I also didn't know her that well I met her a few days ago online. Which I get, but it's easier for me to consider people friends sooner bc I don't have many and I instantly try to connect w people.
J has said before that he wants to give me a second chance and doing this almost ruined that and he decided that he needs a month's break from me with no talking or texting. I hate that but if he needs space i understand. But I texted him today because I am trying to figure out why M got so upset. Girls talk to other girls about bras and what looks good and what doesn't at least that what me and my gal friends do. He isnt opening my messages and this is driving me insane bc I want to know why she got so freakin upset over that. Even her bf, which il call K, got really upset. I wanted to apologize to them both for making her upset and him upset.
All of that made me so upset to the point I wanted to kill myself, everything that happened hurt so much. I could barely breathe I was screaming in pain literally. Both my parents came to check up on me. I am going to therapy this week it starts, and it's gonna help me with this and help me to think before I do. J understands me in that way but it almost made me lose him. My one friend thinks she made a scene for attention. But I don't know why.
Is she jealous of me? M lives with divorced parents and I know that is really tough bc my cousin parents are divorced and they lived w us for 2 years. But my parents aren't divorced. M has strict parents doesnt get to see her friends much, if I have friends I get to see them whenever I want I jus gotta ask. M is really pretty and I dont know why she would be jealous. Maybe she secretly likes J and is jus dating K to get closer to J? And was hoping making a scene would make J hate me? Also, keep in mind K and M are both ONLINE friends I've never met them irl and neither has J. J has been friends with them for the past 3 years, and K goes to J’s old school. J and I go to the same school that's how we met.
Also, keep in mind that I am really bad at socializing and it was hard for me to break down my barriers and actually talk in a group w J, K, M, and this other dude B. Bc I freak out easily, I'm an introvert. And it was nice making a girl friend bc I only really have one which is Kyleigh.
If anyone can help me understand why M freaked out so much please give me any advice you have. Thank you if you read this far
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NicNac23
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thanks, i mean a lot of my friends thinks its just for attention but I also get it if she doesn't understand me that well but she should've talked to me about it instead of blocking me and making a scene
I think M just isn't used to that perhaps. Or because she doesn't know you too well she might have thought you were hitting on her? I'm not sure if that's a possibility but just a thought. Something about it made her uncomfortable in general though. As a rule of thumb try to think about what some people might not be used to and if you're unsure ask before you do something. But it was an honest mistake and you just have to accept that and move forward. Some things will take time to get back to normal, but I promise this situation will become less of an issue with time. You can get through this and dying is not a good option.
yeah, im not lesbian tho like, my ex, J, is a guy and I still have really strong feelings for him. I just wish she talked to me about it instead of freaking out and making me sound like a pedo...a fewpeople I talked to think she did it for A. Attention, B. to make my ex hate me bc she likes him (even tho she dating K it doesn't mean she don't like him), or C. Because I didn't know her too well. I think its a mix of A and C
Well I am a lot older than you but if someone I barely know sent me a picture of herself in a bra I would be very uneasy too! I would think she was a weirdo and drop her immediately too. If someone you barely knew did that to you what would you think? I understand you are lonely but try and take it a bit slower as true friends take time to know and trust.
Also understand that just because you connect instantly with people it doesn't mean they do with you. Basically think before you act and if in doubt the golden rule is don't.
yeah, id be a little freaked out and ask why would she send me that I hardly know her, but I would still talk to them about it and if I was telling my friends about it I wouldn't make it sound like they sent me a nude id jus say she sent me a weird picture. I just wish she talked to me about it, I'm not very socially developed and I wish I was. I just need to think
You are very young yet and whilst I'm not trying to be patronising it is something which life and experience will teach you. This is that not everyone thinks the same way we do. Once we learn that we can recognise it and put put ourselves in someone else's shoes then we tend to avoid those types of mistakes. It's something we see a lot of on here.
For example most younger members don't seem to understand why foul language is banned on the site.. Because they think swearing is ok and I'm not saying is isn't amongst their generation, it doesn't mean that it is acceptable for all age groups and cultures.
Yes she did but don't forget she is very young too and if you can make an error in judgement then so can she. On the other hand she might just be a spiteful cow who will carry on behaving like that no matter what her age. Some people are just like that.
NicNac23, none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes or wrong judgment at times in our lives. This is the way we learn, through these life experiences. They can be embarrassing at the time but eventually, will be forgotten.
You can't control how other people react to you but remember you have the power in how you react to the situation. My Best xx
Wow, that is a very confusing situation to unravel.
First of all, socially acceptable communication varies greatly between people. Kayleigh may be used to getting messages like that. That may have been M's first. Especially with someone as young as her, a message asking permission and giving her a heads up before the picture would be important.
Schools are now teaching about sexting and receiving a picture may have triggered some warnings. I don't know what the laws are by you, but she is under-aged in most areas.
Do you have a phone number or address? Give space and time to all involved, then find a way to explain it how you did to us. You were purely looking for advice and opinion because your other female friend had done this and was ok with it.
Even if they are not currently opening your messages, simple messages of apologies. Your intent was just to gather an opinion. You would still like to be friends. You understand their concern and misinterpretation.
Most importantly is that you had no bad intent in the message. You are learning these skills. This was a speed bump. Don't take it so hard. It is confusing. That is understandable. Online communication is even harder to "read into" intent. It was an innocent mistake. Forgive yourself.
Do you keep a list of strategies for communicating online? This will help in your therapy and future communications.
My best advice is don't apply rules for one friend to a new friend. Accept the mistake. You may never know why it blew up. Forgive yourself.
yeah, thank you, this is really helpful. No I don't have a list but I probably should make one to help out more. Its like I know these things and I don't know why I don't practice it, it frustrates me so much
I used to type emails in my job that were just the facts. My boss said it was too cold. I then had to type my emails, before hitting send, go back and evaluate them and add some fluff at the beginning. That was the socially acceptable style I had to learn for that setting.
I read one of your other replies about going to the beach. In that setting, the people wearing the skimpy clothes know they are being seen and visitors to a beach or pool know it is a possibility to see it. Opening a message without warning is more of a shock.
Hey, go easy on yourself, this is nothing to kill yourself over, you just made a mistake. And we can't mind read other people, don't try to analyze too much what other people are thinking, sometimes you will never really know and that might be for the best. I would say when it comes to sending people pictures, be very careful about that. I'm older than you, not your generation, but I think it's okay if you have a shirt and jeans and you want an opinion about an outfit that's okay, but when it comes to bras and underwear and stuff like lingerie or a swimsuit, I just wouldn't send anyone pictures of me in that because it can be misconstrued. But like I said, go easy on yourself, sometimes all of us learn things the hard way. One time I was even thinking about showing a picture of my face on here, and I couldn't figure out my new phones camera so it didn't post. Now I'm glad I didn't do that, it's really best that I be anonymous for my safety and only show my picture when I think it's safe to do so. Just say to yourself lesson learned and move forward from this.❤️
I thought it would be safe to do, I didn't think she would like turn on me like that. I mean girls go shopping for that stuff together if your close and ik her and I werent close but its no different if you went to the beach and there are girls there walking around in see through bras and g-strings
From her perspective, since you were a new friend she might have been concerned and shown her parents who then threw up red flags. At this point any further pressure you put on her is just going to validate those flags. Give her time, give her peace. Then (and I mean it, give her time) cautiously through a friend offer her a sincere apology and leave it at that. You can't force a friendship on someone but at least (after giving her time!!) you can set her somewhat at ease about the whole thing. You brought a lot of emotion into your explanation and it looks like some of these overlap other problems. If I might make a suggestion, write down each of these individuals then list out for yourself what your circumstances are with each one. Maybe upon reflection you will see issues or connections or opportunities to resolve some of these emotions. One last note. You were starting to make judgements on M. Probably in an effort to rationalize. But don't form opinions that might affect how you feel about her later or how you talk about her to others. Just give this time.
idk how im gonna be able to talk to him after this month, I have so many things I want to scream at him and I also want to give him a hug, and like slap him after I give him the hug. I know its weird, but I'm mad and in love at the same time. I mean like he really hurt me by leaving me for a month but I get he needs to chill out...I mean like first thing I wanna say to him is "If you cant stand up for me in front of your friends then like, I don't wanna be with you because if you couldn't tell them that I have social issues and don't always think about boundaries then I don't think you even really loved me. I know I was in the wrong with what I did but so was she with sharing it with EVERYONE instead of talking to me about it personally and from what you described she made it sound like I sent her nudes when that wasn't the case. I still want to apologize to her because I really didn't mean for her to freak out like that and I know I was in the wrong with sending her something like that in the first place. But also, what the fuck is wrong with you?! Are you going to do this everytime we have sex where after a week you need a month break from me?! (Bc we had sex a week ago and then this break thing happened) Do you even know how that made me feel? Fucking confused as hell and in so much pain. I don't think I ever felt that much emotional pain in my entire life. Look, I get if you don't want to date again bc I know I am a handful but like you should just talk to me about what was going on instead of shutting me out. Also, did you have fun gaming and being in calls with them this entire time? Did you have fun basically ripping my heart out because that's what you fucking did. And yet I still fucking love you because you actually understood me and took the time to get to know me and didn't want to date me just because of my body. And then you turn around and do this and don't even try to explain to them that I had social issues and that I don't always think before I do dumb shit. Like, I'm not saying this exact situation will happen again because I swear it won't and I'm never sending shit like that again but if something happens where I make M upset on accident are you always going to take her side, or are you gonna listen to me as well? Because if I am your fucking girlfriend you need to listen to me as well and not just what other people are saying. I guarantee you that if I make any of your friends upset it's not on purpose or intentional, it's because I didn't think about how they would view what I say or what I do. And I thought you understood that but clearly not and this entire thing proves that.
Now, I want to give us a second chance and I really want to work through this with you but you have to be willing to try and to have patience with me. And if you can't do that then find another person"
I probably won't be able to say all of that to him but I hope I will be able to get my point across to him which is A. I am sorry about the Molly situation, B. You don't just leave someone like that after sex, C. If I upset your friends are you always going to take their side or do you plan on listening to what I have to say as well?, and D. I love you and I really want to work this out with you
I think you expressed yourself VERY well right there and got a lot of points across. I can't really speak on his behalf nor between you two since I don't know either of you. But at the end there you made some very clear points. In this case I say, listen to Yourself. You are asking the right questions and I think you are demanding the right things.
If you two are supposed to be in love then I think it is fair to expect that he will be there for you. That included sticking up for you. People make mistakes and it is not unreasonable to expect the ones you love to help you out. Now again, I don't know your history so I can't say if a month off was or was not a good idea, but if after that month you are both still together then maybe now is a good time to set some expectations.
Life is short. Don't be in my situation or some others I have read here where you invest 20, 30 or more years of your life with someone and end up regretting it. Love can blind you. Be careful. Love yourself first. That means demanding respect for yourself. Understanding. Compassion. You get the point. Then look at him and ask yourself if he can do the same.
Circle back to the 'M' situation in a bit. Maybe focus on who's in front of you first.
sometimes you gotta fake being brave and in order to trick yourself into believing it, I've been thru this before, but its never been this sore and ik ill come out stronger I just have to be patient and wait
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xx
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