Up’s & Downs- where are the Up’s

[RecreateMyself]

Hi,

I haven’t posted in a long time- I have depression and anxiety and just want to be normal again... Like I used to be 2 (or more years ago).... I was never really normal but I was functional. I see normal as showering everyday and going to work everyday- not much else. At the end of the summer I thought maybe I was getting to the point of being normal again and now I’ve sunken back into it. The work stress is getting to me again and I called off a day last week because I just couldn’t bring myself to log in to the computer (I work from home due to COVID). I’m scared that I could sink back into being completely depressed again where I needed FMLA from work.... I’ve isolated myself so much and I’m scared. I’ll be 50 in 2 months and looking at what a waste of a life I’ve made for myself... divorced, no kids and no friends. My boyfriend of many years and I live together but he’s more concerned about himself and is only helpful or loving when I have a crying and screaming melt down about being lonely and depressed. He’s not concerned about me or making sure we have healthy meals and an orderly house. He’s self centered... I want to give up but giving up means losing my job and a roof over my head so that’s not an option. I’m also stressed about my aging parents 75 years old... and they are more active than I am so I don’t know why I’m fixated on worry about them... I guess these are all symptoms of depression and anxiety... I haven’t showered in 5 days.....thanks for listening and please Take care everyone!

[BluePeppermint]

Hi RM. First, get in the shower! Take a very long, hot shower and don't think of anything while you are in there. Sometimes the shower is the only thing that gets me going in the morning. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I too am divorced with no children, and my ex lives with me because he has no job and congestive heart failure (I'm a few years from 50 still, but I'm getting there quickly!). I've been going through the same depression and anxiety. I missed about a month and a half of work to deal with it, and I'm still not quite where I want to be. My ex is fond of saying we create our own happiness. I think he's right. I know, easier said than done. Recently, I started working on a project when I'm home that keeps me out of my own head, and makes myself and others happy. It's not much, but it's just what I needed. You need to find something each day that you enjoy. Whether it's reading or a guilty pleasure TV show. My ex BF recently started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks and I sent him a puzzle. I know people that make jewelry. Anything. Just something that give you a little bit a pleasure. 2020 has made us people with existing issues so much worse. I've been on antidepressants as long I can remember, but the last few months have pushed me, knocked me down and tried to keep me there. I'm picking myself up, but it's been a process. Hang in there! You got this!

[RecreateMyself in reply to BluePeppermint]

Thank you for your response. I feel uplifted just from reading your words. I agree that I need to do something each day that I enjoy. I unfortunately have had this on my to do list to find a hobby or activity that I would enjoy. Procrastinating has kept me from trying anything new. I gave up my guilt pleasure TV shows like reality TV because I would end up watching TV constantly when I wasn’t working. So I stopped TV and now I watch YouTube videos constantly.... I love crafting and I used to love being active (biking, rollerblading, hiking, camping, going to the beach, going to the health club) but I’ve gained so much weight over the last few years I can’t really do all those things without a lot of effort. I’m 5’8” and weigh 220- I’ve really let my health slide out of control. I plan to take your advice. If u don’t mind me asking, what are u working on that brings u enjoyment? A hobby?

[BluePeppermint in reply to RecreateMyself]

Right now, it's more of a project than a hobby, or kind of both I guess. I bought a slide and negative scanner and I've been scanning in my parents old slides. Not only does it occupy my time, but it also makes me happy to see so many old pictures. As an added bonus, I've been making other family members happy by sending them old pictures. Before I found that I had some coloring books. Mostly like Victorian times so I could color pretty dresses and stuff like that. I'm also an avid reader. I love to read.