Depression is winning..

[Renaxo]

So here I am up at 5:00AM, currently fighting my sleep.. I’ve been trying my hardest to pray about things and ask god to heal my heart, because depression is winning and I feel like giving up..

I’m 21 and my life is just so miserable. I don’t sleep anymore, people have been telling me I’m losing weight and I believe it because I only eat once a day. I feel so alone like I have nobody in my corner, everyone I was friends with turned out to not be genuine, I don’t have a close relationship with my mother and I don’t speak to my father at all, I thought I could trust my great grandmother, until she was hospitalized for chest pains and had the whole family calling me blaming me for being the reason she’s in the hospital because “she worry about me and my mother more than anyone else” when really, I don’t tell my grandmother things because I don’t want to stress her out or worry her. My great grandmother calls everyday and when she do she intentionally like to ask questions just to be nosey and go gossip to the rest of the family.. she’ll offer to help me and tell me not to tell nobody because it’s “nobodies business” but all along she was doing it..

The only person who genuinely loved me I feel like was my grandfather, and he’s been gone for almost 2 years now and since he left I just been feeling so lost. I had to quit my job because it was too far to travel, and with me living in the neighborhood I live in, getting off at 11:00 at night and walking home 2:00AM was dangerous beings though I’m a female.. I’ve been applying to jobs since then, and the good news is I have a interview on the 28th, but I am the oldest child and have to help my mother with the bills so with me being out of work it’s been causing a lot of problems between me and my mom.

I have no one to vent to, no friends, can’t trust family, and no matter how much I try to escape drama, old friends keep coming back and harassing me trying to fight all because I simply removed them from my life. I’ve been through a lot and I’m only 21, I don’t want to have hate in my heart for anyone, I don’t want to be a negative person, I just want to be at peace..

I’m sorry this is all over the place but there’s just been so much going on I just don’t know where or how to explain.... I just want to be happy.

[Isinatra]

So much responsibility and sacrifice with little reward for such a young person! My heart goes out to you. I feel that you are right in feeling, what I see , as being manipulated. Hopefully you can get some of the support you need from this site. This a good start. I’m afraid to respond how I actually feel about your situation, because my assumptions might be wrong and could make things worse. Just try to sort through the upcoming replies you will more than likely receive. Take much care...

[Renaxo in reply to Isinatra]

Manipulation at it’s best and I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it. I tried to distance myself from her for a while but she kept calling, then I’d be getting attacked for “ignoring grandma” when me distancing myself is the best thing to do right now. It’s like damned if I do, damned if I don’t .. god willing I will be fine. Thankyou !! 🙏🏾

[Isinatra in reply to Renaxo]

I’m not advocating that you live away from from your family, especially with this COVID thing still around and I don’t know the logistics behind your responsibility to provide financial care. I want to suggest setting borders, but they aren’t effective if other people ignore them. When I was your age I didn’t have the obligations that you have. Actually, my parents had no qualms about me removing myself from home. No guilt or anything. I just had to be responsible for myself. I’m sure you have at least been thinking of ways to change your situation..it takes strength and determination. Vent here all you need. It’s a good start!❤️🏄‍♀️

[Isinatra in reply to Renaxo]

Ps. What I really want to say...block your grandma and tell whoever doesn’t like it...don’t let the door hit you on the way out!❤️🏄‍♀️