How can I help my husband understand ways to help, if I don't know how to help myself?

[HelplessinVA]

I am new here and I feel absolutely helpless! I can't seem to get through to my husband how worthless and useless I feel ALL THE TIME! I know he wants to help but I don't even know how to help myself! Does anyone have any advice? I don't want to lose him because of my mental illness! I am so scared of losing my family all the time! It doesn't help that his mother is extremely abusive toward me and generally just hates me! She has said things to me and about me like that I am "worthless as tips on a bull" that I am selfish about everything. I don't know what to do. He finally, after almost 15 years of her treating me like this realizes what she was doing but how can I show him how to help? It took 15 years of her abuse to get him to see! Can anyone please help me?

[JustChristie]

I am so sorry you have had to deal with that women for 15 years! I will be thinking of you and your family. Hugs your way.

[Grateful71]

I was totally lost earlier today and told my husband that I didn't need him to do anything to fix me just to know that right now I am unwell, physical and mentally and just asked him to stick with me. Maybe I'm lucky but he reminded me we are a team but I really know that vulnerable feeling of worthlessness. Perhaps he feels he needs to do something and doesn't know what? 💛

[HelplessinVA in reply to Grateful71]

I don't know if that will help. But another thing is that how can I help him know what he can do to help me if I can't even figure out what I can do to help me? I hate everything about me! My disorders I hate, my body i hate...... how could he possibly understand or attempt to help me when I hate everything he says he loves.

[Grateful71 in reply to HelplessinVA]

Maybe right now it's not about knowing what's going to fix you, perhaps think that you love each other warts and all. It doesn't matter that you don't have the perfect body..none of us do, it doesn't matter that your suffering right now with your mental health, I'm sure you would be there for him if it was the other way around X

[FriendlyDude]

Communication is definitely an important part. If he doesn’t see what’s going on, explain it to him You said he wants to help you, and that’s amazing! Just be loving when you discuss things with him If you be honest with him and explain that you don’t want your mental illness to be a conflict in your relationship with him, wouldn’t that make him trust and love you even more? And have a greater desire to help? I think he would if I was married and my wife told me she didn’t want her mental issues to cause her to lose me, that would tell me that she loves me and trusts me enough to ask for my help I would take that opportunity to love her to my heart’s fullest capacity and do anything and everything in my power to help her. I would have an open mind to all her suggestions for change, and I would tell her that nothing could change my love for her (body, mental issues, disorders; NOTHING), and she’ll never lose me as long as she wants to be with me.

You say you hate things about yourself, why is that? What does your husband see that you don’t? (You can ask him that if you’d like). If there’s an issue you have with yourself, is there anything you can change in your life? Therapy? Medication? Diet? Habits? Just throwing out ideas.

If your husband knows about what’s going on, then he can know to think about it and share his ideas with you, 2 people working on something is double the mind power. You may not know how to help yourself, you may not know what to ask him to do, but he might be able to think of his own ideas of how he can help you, or offer ideas of things you can do. A different perspective will bring different ideas and suggestions and if he does offer an idea, have an open mind.

If you work together, you can discuss and think of the best plan of action to move forward! Overall the weight of all that’s going on in your life will become easier to bear as you face it with him. Over time as you think of specific ways that he can help you, share those ideas with him. Just do your best as you go you don’t need to have all the answers right now. Be patient, and the answers will come when the time is right Oftentimes it comes little by little, an idea here and there, something happens and you gain a different view on things, more experience, and before you know it, with some implementation you have an answer

Even if he can’t solve the issues themselves, he can be there for moral support he can offer comfort, be loving and as understanding as he can be. He doesn’t have to know how to help to be able to give you a hug and say he loves you, and then demonstrate that love every single day and even if you hate what he loves about you, wouldn’t you rather hear that he loves those things about you than to hear him say he hates them? Trust his love for you

I wish you the best! I hope this helps