Who is that in my head?...

[JJLAD2020]

I felt compelled to reach out and discuss where I am at in my recovery and see if others have been down this road...

18 months ago I attempted suicide - I had lacerations to my wrist and neck and had to receive a double blood transfusion. I called the emergency services after briefly gaining conciseness and my real battle started then.

Ironically I never wanted to die. Truth be told I had spiralled out of control - I'd made bad choices regarding my marriage. I'd had an affair and was an attention seeker and was tired of being a failure to my wife and children. I actually made myself believe they'd be better of if I was gone.

I ended up having what can only be called a mental breakdown. My mind was savage in the days leading to my attempt. It poisoned me, convinced me I should go and my rational mind disappeared.

Since April 2019 I have had a long road to walk. I now have social anxiety - worry what family and friends think of me. I get scared of situations that trigger my memory of before (if I am drinking regually and if women talk/flirt with me - it causes a reaction in me - I feel sick and get anxiety bad) and I have the constant stress of will my mind ever break again.

I sometimes talk to myself in my head. I feel like I have another me in there trying to tell me what to do - positive usual - trying to convince me the feelings are OK and that I am doing well in my recovery.

I've had therapy and counselling but they've come to a point that I don't really feel overly confident they do anything anymore. It's just me vs me.

Any thoughts or anyone have a similar battle!?

I don't want to break again.

Joe

[Hidden]

Thanks for sharing that JJLAD2020. I can relate to this. 🙂

[Catsamaze ADAA Volunteer]

If you were attacked and nearly mauled to death by a saber tooth tiger you’d be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life, at least subconsciously, for the next tiger. Depression is that tiger for me. The thought that my brain could “break” again....that I can’t trust it, is a burden I carry around no matter how good things might be going. Wow, can I relate!!!!!

[Hidden]

I don't have children, but I myself got involved with someone where I didn't set out to have an affair, but it happened and I know I really hurt the man I've been with for 20 years. No one is perfect, we're all human and we make mistakes. You just have to try to move forward, and figure out what was wrong and try to correct it. I hold no judgement towards you. My significant other and I are still friends and he's forgiven me, but we both realize we have some issues between us that aren't going to go away and we both really might be better off with other people. We don't have sex anymore but we do still care about each other. You have to try to put things in the past and stop beating yourself up.

[JJLAD2020 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Googoodollsfan. I appreciate your honesty and comment more than you'll realise. Me and my beautiful wife and my three children are still together and we have moved on.

The sad reality is I hide that though she forgave me I've never forgiven myself, both for the affair and fooling around as well as my attempt. From the outside people can assume I tried to 'take the easy route out' but only I know what my mind was thinking when I nearly left.

We have a good relationship, sexually and as companions and I am more lucky then I think I even realise. I just think they're better than me but I love them too much to admit that and leave - as selfish as that is.

Joe

[Artboy1530]

I’m sorry to hear your journey has been so painful. But it sounds like you’re doing everything you can do be your best self. That’s all anyone can really do. I, too, had an affair and there’s no one I hate more than myself. Every day the same cycle plays out where I wake up thinking I can do this and ends with me wishing I didn’t exist. I’m happy to hear you’re putting in the work for yourself and the people you care about.