New and Desperate for feeling understood

[Incomplete_Phoenix]

I have suffered from physical, sexual, emotional, mental, and verbal abuse throughout my entire life and went from being an abused child to being a teen mother and girlfriend/wife in a 20 year relationship that was even more abusive. It took me years to realize that I was in an abusive relationship bc the means of abuse were so different than what I experienced as a child, and I believe also bc I was in a relationship with a narcissist and the mental and emotional abuse was so gradual and manipulated in a way that I believed for years that I was screwing my relationship up, so I didn’t recognize it was abuse...

After 18 years my Ex-Husband threw me out like garbage after I watched with horror as he spent the previous year manipulating my own children to hate me and believe terrible lies about me. Then as I got on my feet, I was desperate to be with my children again so I befriended him assuming if I was playing by his rules he would bring my children back into my life... AND IT WORKED!!! However, I was so focused on my relationship with my children and trying to repair it, that I was blind to him manipulating me using my kids as pawns.. it’s like I blinked and realized that I was 100% under his control and being abused again for the next 2 years even though I was divorced and had my own apartment and was supporting myself.. he even had a key to my place and would hide cameras in my apartment to watch me, etc... it was exactly the same as my married life with him except I had to support myself financially while he treated my home as if he was the head of household of my place... every time he thought I was doing something wrong, he’d tell my children I was using meth and would text me laughing at the fact that HE CONTROLLED my children’s desire to have a relationship with me but was able to make them believe he wasn’t manipulating their idea of who I had become supposedly. Once he cooled off, the very same day he would encourage them to call me or have dinner with me to show them he was a loving father, yet would tell the kids he saw a drug dealer leaving my house right after the kids left, so they never really wanted to spend time with me..

I worked up the courage to set boundaries, changed my locks, refused to sleep with him anymore just to see my children, and blocked his number anytime he would text or call being abusive... all I can hope is that my children eventually look for me and want to hear my side with open ears and want to believe my truths..

I thought finally getting away would feel great and I knew I would start feeling safe and not afraid anymore, BUT THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN EITHER. I knew I was screed up from the years of abuse and I had healing to work on, but I am realizing that I’m far more screwed up than I anticipated and I have full blown PTSD symptoms now that I suppose I was having to hide in order to not make him mad or whatever... but instead of feeling better mentally and emotionally, I’m falling apart and rapidly.

Is this normal for people to find they are more traumatized once the coast is clear and to have uncontrollable episodes for hours upon hours of crying and feelings of worthlessness, suicidal thoughts, and physical pain and nausea that keeps me from being able to sleep at night?? I thought my life would be so much happier now, but in the past 5 months I have become emotionally unstable and having physical symptoms that I’ve never had before..

Thanks to anyone who has read this long drawn out question and I’m open to hearing any suggestions for overcoming nightmares and triggers, or even just to hear if this is normal to get worse instead of better once a person if free from abuse.

Thanks and blessings to all of you!!

[Catsamaze ADAA Volunteer]

So sorry you’ve had to go through all of this. Paradoxically, submitting to the abuse, as painful as that is, is not as painful as confronting it and taking the brave steps you have to extricate yourself from the situation. It may not feel like it but you HAVE put yourself on a path to healing. And that path leads to the happiness you thought you would feel immediately upon taking back your life from the abuse you had suffered for so long. You’ll get there but it’s going to take time and work and patience. It’s not fair.....you’ve climbed to the top of a mountain only to find another mountain you have to climb that you didn’t expect. Be proud of what you have already accomplished and (easier said than done) be kind to yourself as you move forward. KNOW that you are on the right path toward happiness and peace of mind and that YOU put yourself there.....that’s pretty damned impressive.

[RoseyViolet]

I think you know in your heart all the answers and know that you truly are a fighter and are in a better place, even in the midst of a storm of life and breakdowns than to be constantly manipulated, controlled and abused. I think your username, "Incomplete Phoenix" says it all. You're still incomplete, yet you are rising above it all to soar on greater plains as a Phoenix.

You are stronger than you know. You are loved, cherished and should feel protected and safe. God the Father placed that desire in your heart. I don't know if you are a person of faith or not, but I have found great peace and even joy even in the midst of pain and PTSD within searching out what God says about me and how cherished I truly am. I believe He has given that to each of us and He wants you to see that in your life. There can be beauty in ashes of beginning again and I believe your children will see the truth and see the manipulation for what it is and want to seek having a relationship with you... it may take time, but it can happen and can be possible. You shouldn't have to endure abuse to have that. Very proud of you for making the healthy choice to leave the abuse and stand strong and move on. Please seek out counseling. Do you have any local resources you can connect with to search for support groups like victims of abuse or women's shelters that have wonderful programs for helping women get back on their feet after abuse?

[pam4him]

First, so sorry for all that has happened. You are a strong person, even if you don't feel like it. Second, kudos for realizing his abuse and no longer taking it. That is a huge step. Lastly, yes, what you are going through is your mind and body letting go of all the stress it's been through. It will take time, but as strong as you are, you will move past this. Please consider counseling and perhaps some legal assistance to at least get some visitation with your kids. You might reach out to the National hotline at 1-800-799-7233, thehotline.org for resources. They can guide you on next steps as you work through the past trauma. Prayers for peace, strength, restored relationship with your kids and continued safety.

[Yodelgirl1234]

Just a thought: keeping a diary of what you have been through may be a good way to release stress and might prove immensely valuable in the future for your children when they are mature enough to read and understand it. It might open their eyes, that you always were a loving Mum and that they were being used by your Ex as you have been. Setting this thought aside, just writing down your thoughts and feelings for yourself alone, may help you to structure your thoughts and gain some clarity. I know someone who does it and finds it very helpful. You are on the right path, I absolutely admire the steps you have taken, it means you are stronger than you think and you are massively brave and also very lucid. You WILL find the peace you are seeking, because you are definitely on the right Road. Good luck, keep at it and a big hug.

[Incomplete_Phoenix]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to show me support and for your very thoughtful and genuine responses!

I had checked into counseling, however I live in a small rural area and most places I called felt I needed someone more specialized in trauma therapy that they weren’t able to help me with, and the counselors I contacted in the city were extremely expensive and I have been out of work for 3 months after having hand surgery, so I can’t afford the sessions at this time. I just got a new job and will have insurance again in a few months, so that’s the first thing I intend to work on taking care of once I have the means.

I spoke with the doctor today from a clinic I go to for my antidepressants and she sent me in a prescription for something to help me sleep and help with the nightmares and also something for me to take as needed for anxiety. I’m unsure of the names of the medication as Walmart Pharmacy had to order them and I only got the first 3 letters of each medication name in the text from them.

My children are now 20 and 16 and I am supposed to get visitation with my daughter, however she refuses to speak to me or see me and the judge had already told me that the police couldn’t make her come with me for visitation due to her age, so I’m supposed to just hope once she moves away from her father she will be free to have her own thoughts and choose to see me then. My son is in the military and stationed in California but when he comes home I’m lucky to see him at all either..

The journal idea was exactly what I had thought to do as well to try to clear my thoughts before trying to sleep, and also in case my children ever wanted to read them someday, but I have yet to motivate myself to start as I avoid trying to think about the stuff that stresses me out and with being depressed I’m lucky to feel motivated to care for my own health or hygiene each day and find myself unmotivated and lazy I guess to do anything more than the bare minimum each day. I know it would likely help if I could just face it and do it, so I need to really put effort into it for my sanity.

Again, thank you all for being so damned wonderful towards me and empathizing with me. You’re all so insightful!

[Yodelgirl1234 in reply to Incomplete_Phoenix]

What ever you do, don’t put yourself under pressure. A diary sounds like you HAVE to put down something in it each day. That is a false conception. You write when you feel you need to get something off your chest - a happy, joyful moment, a lousy, miserable event etc and you do not need to write a book. Sometimes just a word is quite sufficient! An exclamation of an event in only one sentence or a three page essay are all of equal worth. It is truly unimportant and you should only be guided by the mood of the moment, and the strength you have. Don’t worry if you have to use perhaps once or twice so-called “bad language” ( just don’t turn it into a habit 😉). the power of releasing a really strong word not used in normal conversation, must not be underestimated - it genuinely releases a lot pent up frustration - you can scawl it across with lots of exclamation marks, and no apology but a little crying smiley. It is a clear statement that the day was bad, without having to go into details - you let go with just one power word and change to a new clean page which might perhaps be very pecksy filled with encouraging emotions experienced on s different day.

I know, this is not how most people deal with their diaries and might not approve, of my suggestions ( but believe me, we are a very polite and careful family of how we speak) but it was a way for me to start and over the weeks I became more reflective and the desire to write eloquently, also for others to see, became important to me. BUT I NEVER wrote everyday, sometimes I did, and then there were again long gaps. There is no right or wrong. - we are individuals but see if you can bring yourself to give it a go. Deep thoughts are not necessary, it could just be for instance that you saw your neighbor and didn’t recognise her because she died her hair from green to orange😁. I am not joking, with jogging down little observations we gain interest and curiosity to record more and more until we get to the issues that matter without realising it. And then the good and valuable work starts.

Well, it may sound an odd way to go about it, but it seemed right for me. So I thought I share it with you, with all my love. X