I spent the first 32 years of my life focused on “family”.
Still can’t really believe all the stuff I bought into about blood matters family first,do the right thing and the American way.
All wrong.
Then I tried hard work and therapy and all the self help books.
Didn’t help.
I’m pretty sure I have some level of autism on top of my other learning disabilities, because I can never spot when my attempts at being a good person and doing the right thing will lead to being kicked in the teeth.
I know longer friends they all have either let me down or outright screwed me over.
The only two relationships I have had have turned out to be the same person one batshit and mean the other nice but still all about what she wants and not about need a let alone what I want.
Everybody sees through blinders and what they want to hell with anything else.
I’m weeks away from homeless.
I can’t seems to sell anything regardless of attempts.
I spend everyday trying to stave off fetal posterior anxiety.
The only path I see is throwing away giving away or crushing my possessions and buying an RV.
And praying I can find some place in a less expensive place to live .and find work.
I have sent out over 4 thousand resumes and can’t even get a phone interview. Having reworked the resume about 30 times and had a so called expert steer me on changes.
Alone,
Lonely
Lost
Depressed.
I think death would be better every day.
Just don’t have the gumption to off myself.
I’m terrified, crushed about to leave my partner, since she keeps reinforcing my needs our ability to pay for anything mean nothing. I’m not talking about anything other then food and shelter. Real needs not o can I do anything for myself and not about me.
How can a life be worth living if you have no one to lean on when it’s all going wrong. Or for that matter when it’s average.
My ability to cope is blown up for the last year . It went prior to COVID and got wiser as the world progressed. I feel nothing other then depressed, I’m talking really dark. Or nothing all of the time.
I’m just lost.