“This” is all new to me.

[NewToMe77]

I knew this year felt heavy, but I didn’t know how much it was affecting me until I got out of bed one night and the world started to spin out of control. The minutes that followed depleted any strength, confidence, and safety that I was holding onto. I had experienced my first hardcore panic attack and two months later the effects are still felt...every single day.

The little things I didn’t think much about, like driving, shopping, going for walks in nature are now deemed obstacles that I struggle to get through. Sometimes there’s little struggle. Other times the fight is tremendous and utterly draining to my mind, body, and unfortunately my once exuberant soul. I feel like I’ve lost so much since my attack, most importantly myself. Everyday is up in the air...every minute really considering I can be somewhat focused and settled one minute, just for my vision to start to drift towards dizziness as my heart pounds the next. As a person who “needs” answers to feel centered, none are presenting themselves with this highly unpredictable affliction.

I’m scared, uncertain, and often feel isolated amongst others going about their day doing the little things that I have to wrestle with myself just to attempt to accomplish. It’s...unreal, this reality, if that makes sense. I have never felt this broken in my life, but I’m soaking up the decent moments within the day, slightly drowning in the bad moments. But this is new to me. I’ll find my groove. With patience never being a strong suit for me, I’ve got no choice now but to practice it.

I don’t know if anyone can relate to my everyday, but a level of dizziness is nearly a constant. Vision issues as well (static and a temporary lack of being able to focus on something). Hives come and go, and there’s a dull buzzing in my ear if I’m not mentally or physically active enough to let it be heard. Speaking of physically active, after working out for years, I’ve ceased my routine because it takes my heart too long to recover from simple walks sometimes. It’s off-putting and feeds my fear of dying to ramp it up, which is something that can just happen out of the blue. Everything felt is heightened, triggering negative thoughts and panic entirely too easily.

I’m...lost. So lost to who I once was. I understand that my inability to process the hard and testing emotions or face them to make my peace with them caused me to ignore their existence, ultimately triggering the attack that has forever changed me, but I miss being that person...simply because it felt safe to me, something I lack feeling now.

Thank you for listening and may peace touch you all in some way.

[langedechu]

this year has hit all of us especially hard. for the physical symptoms I would suggest seeing a doctor to get a potential diagnosis. For the panic attacks I would also recommend to try meditation and breathing exercises to relieve some of that stress. doing these can have great effects, and if you experience sleep paralysis you should try them before bed to prevent it as well. it can take time for a person to find out their real identity an even then it often changes. live in the moment. while you're at home, submerse yourself in activities you enjoy. every new day comes and it's closer to this shitshow ending. we're with you until the end. stay safe 🖤

[NewToMe77 in reply to langedechu]

Thank you

[langedechu in reply to NewToMe77]

anytime x

[Starrlight]

Hi NewToMe! ❤️ I’m weak and drained right now but I want to respond to you the best I can. I’ve known a spinning out of control type of feeling similar to what you describe as “everything being up in the air”and your dizziness and heart racing ... I Practice patience now too and find it very hard but we will get better at it once we consciously try to do so...

I just came home from the pet store with my kids and husband and I am in pain in my body from the stresses I experienced there because of my anxiety. Social anxiety in which I cannot trust myself to act like me,. instead I become an alien trying to learn what to do on a new planet. That’s how I felt.

But I’ve come a long way since last year when the panic attacks completely disabled me. I would freak out as I was driving, telling the kids to hurry get out earlier than they wanted to so I could get going again because whenever I was stopped waiting I would panic in a huge way,... weird right?! And then I would refuse to drive at all it was just too scary and there was every weekday I’d be standing on the lawn of the school to pick up my kids in bewilderment because everything around me was moving too fast and I was so dizzy I could barely keep standing up and I swore someone’s eyes were always on me, prying, eyes driving straight into picking apart my soul. My mind so ‘off’ I can barely recognize my own children when they finally slip out the heavy doors of the school...

Things do get better. And we are never alone. I see that now. I’m learning how to be me again, a free spirit again, reinventing myself just a bit...

Blessings to you and may you always be guided.

[NewToMe77 in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you for sharing your story. All of it is powerful, but that last paragraph really hit me hard, in a good way. Thank you again and peace be with you.