Ive been thinking alot about something lately.... I feel if I dont talk about it it is going to damage me.
A while ago ago I met some people, a family of 4, who called me 'family' and actually said you are like a real 'son' and 'brother' and 'we love you' just stopped talking to me. It started out of the blue after meeting together at a new group I was attending. They asked me about me and me about them and we clicked. After a couple of months of attending twice a week and talking before and after I invited them round. Up to that point of meeting them I had been very lonely and had no friends or family. They knew this and wanted to be there for me and me for them. We were really close. The family consisted of mum, dad and son and daughter of a similar age to me but slightly younger.
Me and the daughter suffer alot mentally and we understood one another alot. The mother too had an understanding of mental health too and was really caring. This is especially because the son who I hadnt yet met suffered with paranoid schizophrenia. On the day I invited them they just said unprompted 'we want you to consider us as family from now on'. (Im fairly unassuming and had to push myself to invite them but I am willing to take risks at times even though I can get really nervous). I was so taken back by their kindness and warmness I remember feeling a little disorientated. They were so happy too because even though they are a family they felt noone understood them. They felt alone as a family if you know what I mean. We had been close for about 6 months after that. We had really bonded over shared interests and understanding of one another. They used to tell me they loved me alot and reach out to me.
I never knew what a family was like though because I was brought up with alot of abuse and neglect so I was learning how to be. It felt so painful to be close to them as I was so scared of being hurt or doing something that would leave me feeling Im a failure. I was very anxious and shy. I was in therapy at the time and my therapist told me its part of my development to learn to trust and be vulnerable. It was really scary but at the same time I did trust them too. They really tried with me and wanted me to know I mattered i.e. ringing me, inviting me over and just paying an interest in me. And I was there for them too. I would just listen to them at times as they wanted to share how they struggled too and they liked that I cared about them.
Because of my past and lack of experience I always felt I wasnt a good 'family member' though and fell short in some way and I wanted to do it the best I could. So I really tried to learn how. I remember pushing myself to tell them that I loved them. And I also pushed myself to be an individual too and would stand up for myself in ways that normal human beings do. For instance, although the daughter was really loving and sincere she was very socially immature. She would just talk loads lol. I told her really lovingly and kindly that I can get a little overwhelmed at times and just need a little time to think through things she says before we move on to the next subject. To tell her this took enormous courage. I am not used to being close to women. I had none around me growing up and always felt worthless to women and unworthy of being able to express myself fully. I felt so low confidence. My therapist encouraged me to push myself to express how I feel in conversations and she was right to do this. I felt really manipulated by fear of consequences/abandonment if I speak up but I knew it wasnt right to just go along with things I'm uncomfortable with either. So I slowly opened up. It was really hard as I wasnt used to it. My friend cried (she was very sensitive, which is also why it was hard to say how I feel. I didnt want to hurt her). I reassured her that 'its ok and I have alot to learn about how to be too, and we can work it out together'. She calmed down lots, told me she loves me and feels safe with me and we left it.
This happened in the last 2 weeks of our contact and the resulting panic at what I just did overwhelmed me though. I felt guilty at expressing myself, guilty at making her cry (even though she had calmed down). I was shaking and couldnt forgive myself. I disobeyed all the parts of me that told me Im not allowed to express myself and I had a sort of mental breakdown. I did my absolute best to grow as a person by expressing myself and I felt lots of emotional and mental turmoil because of it. I felt worthless and sad and in deep pain. Its so hard to describe. I felt like all my wires had been cut and were getting rewired. I utterly collapsed. I rang her up in tears not being able to breathe as I genuinely didnt know if I had just damaged her. It may sound dramatic but it was so ingrained in me from when I was small that there would be consequences if I speak up. And I felt like I must have done something awful and hurtful. I was so confused. She told me she was ok and reassured me but I couldnt forgive myself.
I felt so bad for what Id done I feared I would be avoided forever by them. I couldnt compute in my mind how anyone could love me after I did what I did. I couldnt think of any reason I was loveable at all and I couldnt be reassured. The only way I could understand that anyone was close to me was because I must have done something to manipulate them. I know it sounds strange - but I couldnt compute I was worthy of genuine love so the idea I was a manipulative person was the only way I could understand why they were there at all. I began to feel guilty for what Id done too to make these people manipulated (just bare in mind I had no experience of being close to anyone face to face like this at all, so it was difficult to understand how I could be worthy of it). Just from one action of expressing myself in a way I felt I was 'not allowed' triggered lots and lots of guilt about who I was. It had a knock on effect to me doubting my worth and actions in every possible way I could think of. As I said, it was like a mini mental breakdown. The daughter tried to reassure me she wanted to be there but I felt so bad it was like nothing was going in.
(One good thing about this is that in retrospect I see I did nothing wrong in expressing myself and neither did she. I also know she was always genuine too. I just needed space to work it out.)
I told them 'You dont have to talk to me'. From then one I perceived everything they didnt do as avoidance and everything they did do in showing me attention as like they were just placating me. I felt so mentally and emotionally poorly and know in those two weeks I processed everything all wrong. And when they got in touch I genuinely felt so unworthy. I told the girl I felt she didnt really love me and I was manipulating them. She really tried to reassure me and was upset and surprised where it all came from. I didnt even know where it came from. I was a mess. Its only in retrospect I understand now. I sent a series of texts saying that 'I know you dont want to spend time with me' etc. This latter part where I expressed my insecurities happened twice really - Wednesday and then Friday. (The rest of the two weeks I held it in and didnt say anything). So about 4 days. I admit it, I distrusted them. I distrusted myself. I didnt know how to control it really. I felt so so so confused.
I got a phone call on the Saturday from the girl. I ignored it the first time. I felt embarrassed really by how pathetic I felt. I answered it in time as I knew it wasnt good how Id become and deep down I trusted her too even though I was poorly for that short time. She told me that she felt I was projecting insecurities on to her that came from 'seeing her more than a friend'. She told me that because of this she felt I needed space and didnt want me to contact her. I accepted her decision. I was vulnerable and didnt know how to explain myself (in the past too we had talked about having some attraction to one another too and agreed we want to be friends. I assured her all the time that friendship was what I always wanted anyway as Im not ready for more and I knew she wasnt either. I also told her shes my friend and sister. I didnt know if she would be someone I would be with but I didnt want to think that way. She would tell me over the course of our friendship that 'one day I think we will get married'. We had a good bond but I always told her not to think too far ahead and whatever happens I will be her friend. It may sound odd to many people but I can be attracted to a woman and still keep a relationship as a friendship. I know how to do that). But anyway after all my insecurities she decided that I had become insecure in those few days because of attraction even though I had never been that way for all the time I known them. I accepted her view. I didnt really understand myself at the time so didnt really have any way of defending myself so her idea was as good as any. I was really vulnerable.
I took a couple of days to think and then I realised and understood where all my insecurities came from - from pushing myself, expressing myself and that triggering shame and feelings of being so unworthy of love -I texted her mum, apologised and explained it all. It took alot of meditation to understand how my behaviour changed so much but I really wanted to understand. Once I understood I gave a full explanation. I told her mum that yes I had been attracted to her daughter but that wasnt the issue at all. But I said if she still doesn't want to be in touch its ok as I think I need a little space to calm down anyway. In fact I asked for a little space and told them I loved them. I got a response from her mum saying 'my daughter doesn't want a boyfriend. I wish you all the best'. Or something like that. I was confused and hurt and didnt understand why she was saying that. So, I thought about it and realised she maybe thought I was always chasing her daughter all along for the 6 months we had been close so I asked 'Do you doubt my motives why I've been close to you?'. She took a while and said 'Its not you, its your mental illness' implying that she believes my motives were selfish but I just didnt know because I'm so messed up basically. I was so hurt. I got in touch saying that she had hurt me by believing that when that was the last thing on my mind. I told her I genuinely always cared about them all regardless of if a relationship resulted from our friendship or not. I cared about them for them, not for what I could get from them. And that was her last message and I havent heard from them since - 6 months ago.
I sent the daughter a letter sincerely apologising after 2 weeks of virtually no sleep (beating myself up and writing and rewriting this letter). I said I got insecure and it was because of my own issues I was that way, not her. I said I didnt need a response because I know she's uncomfortable with me but I'm sorry. I genuinely meant it. They havent been in touch since 😔.
It really hurts because I trusted them and it hurts not to be trusted back.
I got needy in those few days but surely when someone is loved they are worth trying to understand? We work through problems together dont we? I'm just really confused and hurt. But on the other hand I'm trying to understand it from their point of view too. I know that needy people are often damaged and may need love thats all. Sometimes some distance for me is healthy too, but not completely. 6 months of no contact just seems too much and makes me feel like I've been judged as an awful person. But maybe they dont understand all this and how people can at times be damaged. I'm so torn. I feel on the one hand it is harsh and really unkind and on the other hand they may not be able to understand it any other way than defining me as a toxic person. But aren't loved ones worth fighting for and understanding? Or is it a female thing? If a girl was needy with me I wouldnt hold it against her but if a guy does it to a girl is it different? Might they be more inclined to get scared and reserved? I'm just confused. This was so out of character for me. After 6 months I had never behaved that way. It is their choice and I honestly do respect it but its so hard for me not to feel awful inside and worthless. Maybe it comes from years of being ignored by my own mum. I feel very sad. I still love them alot and would be there for them in a heartbeat if they needed me to be but thats my personality anyway. It all just makes me very sad. Maybe its all just one big misunderstanding? 🥺😔 😞 😢 I think also Im confused because I feel like a failure because I wonder if I deserve this treatment? 😟
Hey, this probably seems like not the best answer but I'm going through something similar at the moment. It's so so so hard giving your trust away to someone that tells you they love you and makes you feel cared for. Then all of a sudden they turn on you, and you wonder, what did I do to deserve this? the truth is, nothing, it's not your fault at all. sometimes people are cruel and leave with no explanation, and when they do, it hurts. but the only thing to do now is realize there are 7 billion people on earth and one day you will find someone who DOES care and love you. this one 'family' turned out to not be that they just aren't the right people to make you happy so I suggest keep looking and someone will be there for you. the "loss" of a loved one can be so excruciating and I'm still trying to make it through this process so if you ever need someone to talk to you can dm me
Thanks for your answer. I dont know if I agree I did 'nothing'. I do think noone is perfect so we all can do things to upset one another at times. And we all can make one another uncomfortable at times. I know I can. I guess what Im trying to find out is what should we expect from one another when this happens, when we upset someone? Im really confused. But I understand how someone could have behaved the way I did and struggled with insecurities. And as a result I would be compassionate with someone who had my issues. Ive experienced much worse from others in my family and Ive always been forgiving. But maybe if some were dealing with other's problems they wouldnt understand and know how to deal with it. Maybe they dont have those resources. So it would be unkind to expect them to do what I can do, or more when they couldnt they couldnt . I am really sorry for the way I was and it was so out of character but maybe it damaged this family in a way I dont understand. Its all really sad but if I hold the fact they dont want to talk to me against them and close myself off to them then Im much worse because I would be being resentful. Whereas they may not know any other way than to just shut down.
Also, they may genuinely believe that Im attracted to the girl and its caused me issues, which it hasnt. It was something completely different. But if they think contact with them causes me problems then maybe its understandable they want to keep me at arms length. Im just trying to understand it from there point of view thats all even of I dont agree with them. Im so confused. I honestly dont get it but I want to understand.
And in regard to your point that there are others in the world, I do know people who care about me too. You're right. Its good to remember that there are other people in this world but I dont want to just replace this family who I love and trust with others. I actually care for THEM and want things to be right with THEM regardless of how many others there are out there.
i guess you can never know what to expect when something like this happens. and you have a point, maybe they just didn't know how to respond to it and instead just decided to not try and deal with it at all. you may have upset them or vice versa but it doesn't make sense to give up. i know you sent a letter to the girl saying how you felt and apologizing and you still haven't heard back. maybe it's for the best. they might still be trying to figure out how to deal with the situation and maybe, have you thought, if they are thinking that they weren't enough for you, or they didn't make you happy etc so that's why they are distancing? it's like a breakup, and we all can think of that one that drove us mad. everyone has their own time period needed to recover and process, be patient, it may not be over for you guys. and while this happens, try not to focus on them either. i know you're worried and want to help them but sometimes people get so caught up in others that they forget to take care of themselves. breathe. take a break. you can always try again, and if it doesn't work out, it just doesn't. you know that there are others out there who can help and you wouldn't be replacing this family, just maybe getting to know another.
Thanks for reading all my post. It means alot to me. You seem to be the only person who has. 🙂
The truth is that if this was all a family of men then I would not be so bothered if they have rejected me. But because its females it takes me back to feeling worthless to females as a child because none were around (my mum wasnt there and my dad brought me up and there were only male family members). It takes me back to feeling I must be too horrible to deserve female affection.
Yeah, maybe they thought that they didnt make me happy. I told them they did though but when I explained everything I was honest that it was hard for me as I wasnt used to being close and dealing with the fear etc. Maybe they took it the wrong way and saw themselves as an issue for me. I think I explained too much tbh 🙁. I wrongly thought that the more I explain the more people will understand. But its not true. It can just confuse people even more. Im a really open guy but I think I need to learn how to hold back at times.
As for thinking I may be that one guy that drove them mad...thats been on my mind alot. I think it is that. But isnt it unfair? I showed my insecurities and became overwhelming for around 4 days of a 26 week relationship. I wasnt like that generally. And I was really going through intense therapy at the time and felt emotionally overwhelmed and I collapsed. I deeply apologised for all of it. I know I need to get stronger but I acknowledged that. We really spent some good times together up to then, but about 2% of it was where I lost my head thats all. (4 days out of 26 weeks. I worked it out) I do really believe Ive been summarized off that. Thats what my instinct says. Is that honestly fair? It seems so harsh to me to see as someone who drove them mad off of that?. I have to admit the texts were intense and overwhelming for them though but I wasnt abusive at all. I was just super super insecure and said how unworthy I felt and how I felt they mustnt want my time. They were more needy than anything. So so so out of character of me. Up to then I am not kidding you in saying we had a great relationship. The daughter would tell me how safe she felt talking to me and she feels she could tell me anything. The mother and me would talk for ages and she would open up. I would go watch rugby with the dad too. They would literally run up to me to hug me and say Im welcome any time. It wasnt one way, they really valued my friendship as much as me theirs.
Also I want to ask in honesty is it more likely that if a woman sees a man's insecurities (even temporarily) they are more likely to just shut down than if it was the other way round? The girl in the family used to go on about marrying me and I would try to change the subject and tell her I dont want her to work up her feelings so just be careful. I could have easily ran a mile at that but I didnt. It was overwhelming for me to be honest but I tried to understand and not judge her for it.. But if I show any intensity even mildly or temporarily with a woman it feels like I am written off for life and distrusted. I would never hurt anyone intentionally but it feels overwhelming to be treated as such a bad person. Not all women have behaved like I said though. I have met some really kind and compassionate ones who I know care about me even when they see my vulnerabilities but Im just wondering if women are more likely to cut a man off for showing neediness than a male is to a female? Are they more protective of themselves? Its awful for me to think someone may see me as a danger to them but if its the truth then its the truth. I have to bare that in mind in future. Its how others minds may work and I have to respect that.
Youre right though that I need an alternative focus and way of coping. Im just finding that hard right now thats all.
i'm very sorry to hear about your mother. unfortunately I cannot empathize with you there but I do know others who have had similar experiences. i think that your mind seems to be stuck in one place and needs freedom, that's all. and think that you should never hold things back, if it's with the right person. if they're real, they'll stay and help you through whatever's going on, unless somehow its pretty much impossible for them. lots of people have outbursts and sometimes people are intimidated and don't know how to respond so they do nothing. but the right people will ride or die with you and of course forgiveness is key. again, it takes time as well. I'm not trying to make you feel bad either, but there are so many things that could be happening that you just assume is them not communicating with you because of what happened. and for your worries about women in general, it really depends. it's like saying all guys want is to get lucky and they don't care about a woman's feelings. but its really dependent on the person. if a girl or guy opens up to someone and they take it the wrong way, then it will, of course hurt. our society often portrays men as lacking emotion or depth which sucks because i know plenty of guys who are struggling but can never say anything about it because of a fear of being judged or being perceived as weak. the term is called toxic masculinity, if you would like to read more about it i would recommend. and if someone sees you as not good to be around, that's their fing opinion. you have to find someone who accepts YOU and all of your flaws, insecurites, etc. and who will HELP YOU WORK THROUGH THEM. and if you need to find something to do, get back into things you like to do or interests, exercise, and most importantly, cry. let it out. bottling it all up doesn't help. or of course talk to someone about it, which is what's happening now. my ex boyfriend and i used to be like fire and we just burned through everything in our way. all of a sudden he broke up with me then started becoming distant from me, but when i asked why, he would say things like "family stuff" or "i already told you" when i really wanted to help. he was like opposite you, and that's what made it so hard, is that i could see or understand what was happening, which hurt me as well to know that he couldn't trust me enough to share his feelings with me. i haven't talked to him since, but of course i still worry about him and miss him, and i regret not making him tell me what was going on. so in a sense i had a very different situation but the point is that most people just want to help the ones they care about, but when circumstances are circumstances sometimes just accepting is the hardest but most necessary step.
Everything you said makes sense thank you. Youve given me lots to think about. The family I know are super protective too and dont let anyone in. I was a rarity. I think they feel threatened alot and scared too. I wasnt the only one to be shut down by them. But it is what it is. I do need to try live my life anyways even if that happens. I tried to get in touch before and let them know Im sorry for the misunderstanding but they can get in touch but they didnt. I was left so sad. It really eats me up to try so hard and get nowhere so I dont think it helps to focus on this.
Im really sorry about what happened with your boyfriend too. He seems like he had real problem with communicating when new problems came. Maybe it was an.aspect of his personality you never got to see up to then. I dont think you can make him talk to you though even if you really wanted to. He knew you cared and trusted you otherwise he wouldn’t have been with you. It just seems like his limits had nothing to do with you and would be there regardless. You seem like a really loving person though and I think its admirable that you still care after his distance. I still care about this family too, but sometimes I feel angry too that they just could drop me like that lol. But I never want to stop trying to be there for others including others who have let me down. Because youre right, we dont know why people are the way they are and it may be alot less personal than we think and alot more to do with their own limits that would be there regardless of what we do for them. Maybe it just takes time for some people to learn.
i'm glad that i could help you. thanks for sympathising with me too. remember I'm here if you have any more thoughts on this situation or want to talk.
Im a much older person with no real proper relationship ,family or otherwise ---though i do have emotional intelligence......I feel this family took you on board and vice versa ,albeit reservations on both sides,and understandably so......my feeling is they were perhaps too gushing,by that I mean they were saying I love you like a son ect......you were overwhelmed by their readiness......and them saying thety loved you like you were a part of them,somehow I feel that they were showing Trust ,before the relations between you blossomed and boundaries set.and although ypu marked down your feelings quite clearly ,they suddenly quite literally pulled the carpet from under your feet ,and gave you the cold treatment.......thats where I feel a bit confused,mind you with suffering stress /anxiety not surprised------overall I feel they havent been open with you ,and your left with this guilt trip,they should have been or try to be more understanding your sensitivity ..................by the way this is for cuddly bear,hope this rendition helps you to feel less blameworthy,your therapist should have gone over this with you-you seem an honest caring character......pm me if you need it translated /whatever
Thank you for sayimg I am honest csring character, its true 😊.
My therapy actually stopped the week before this happened so we didnt get to go over it. There.was no more spaces left for me to have therapy.
Oh, and tbh it never felt gushing in expressing love. It was really consistent and genuine and we also had personal time and space too. There were boundaries too. It was always respectful and we would make sure all were happy before a phone call or visit. Nothing was unnannounced. I can honestly say it was very secure. I actually needed that sort of loving expression and they knew it and always had a context i.e. when I was feeling especially low or just as we left. It had a natural place and purpose. Youre right loving expressions can be gushing at times but this never felt that way. Also any social struggles from the daughter may be explained by her just having limited experience so I always gave her a break and knew she was always sincere despite her intensity at times. (Believe it or not I still trust her sincerity alot) This is why it was all so odd that it just collapsed. There was a genuine foundation to break down. 6 months long of being close is alot to just breakdown in a few days.
I think they just didnt know how to handle my change in character thats all. It came as a surprise to them and they didnt have the resources to understand or to deal with it.
Maybe gushing was the wrong word to use lforthcoming ,is that more fitting,I think the daughter perhaps was seeing in you what she herself felt a form of projection,but at the end of the day,a good rlationship should not just end abruptly ,cant understand it myself.......,change of character -----its all a bit odd and I feel for you and just wish people could realise that you are a genuine person,their loss i fear!
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