Looking for something: I don’t know... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

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Starrlight profile image

I don’t know what I need. I wrote a poem in another board today and I thought that it helped but now I am swimming in even more disastrous feelings, so far away from happy or peace or hope, just dark murky waters that I am caught up in...

I spoke to my therapist a minute ago and it ended in me yelling at the top of my lungs (yesterday I saw myself snap with screaming voices coming from me... it was like a dream and then today it happened when I was in the same spot, on the phone, snapped, enraged, not like me) now I feel so embarrassed and relief in my body that I let it out. I have been bottling up a lot for a long time, even though I have this community nothing is ever enough for long. I fear I will go off into a strange place in my mind m. Hard to explain. I’m done. I just need to speak the truth fuck I’m tired of dealing with people and tired of the thoughts I can’t get them to leave me my brother is on my mind ...Its my anniversary today with my husband and we have had a good 25 years together now. I wish I could be the real me because as things move forward I just fade and it doesn’t seem like this is possible to be so shattered. I can say completely confidently that I am in trouble. I always try to make out like I’m doing better than I actually am well now I’m not doing any hiding or pretending. I’m in a very bad place. I need support. Thanks

31 Replies

OMG, my best friend for life. You should be talking it out with me. I will do whatever I can. Listen, we share the same pathway in life and I am there with you in your heart. I will give you everything I am to make your pain go away....Everything, my forever soulmate!

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to JEG325

I’m tired of long winding paths. I need a short straight one but feel unworthy. Thanks for being with me!!!

JEG325 profile image
JEG325 in reply to Starrlight

You are more than worthy of anything you need! If you want to want a short, simple path then I am with you there too. I am with you anywhere, at all times. My BFF, I will do anything that you need in order to help you. You tell me what I can do....

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to JEG325

You are amazing, thanks for being on this path.

JEG325 profile image
JEG325 in reply to Starrlight

I will walk beside you for life, my BFF....

I'm srr you are doing so poorly 😞

(((Hugs )))

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to Iloveart7

Thanks Iloveart. It means a lot to me.

I'm so sorry, Starr. I don't know how we get into such feelings and thoughts but I can relate to what you are saying. We can be so good at pretending for others. But with ourselves, we can't. Like JEG said, I'm also here if you ever want to talk. I'm not great at "advice" but I'm good at being there and listening. We love you and are here for you and with you.

And yes - you DO deserve good for your life.

Exactly! I suddenly could not take one more bit from anything or anyone that was a stressor, I snapped. Thanks for being here lovelysnow.

Wishing you peace Starrlight. I had to steal away to be alone by myself for a couple of days. Not able to completely hide because I had to train a new employee so I talked on the phone all day. But sometimes I just have to be alone. Praying you find your peaceful place.

I am taking my youngest to a reading night at school. I plan to find peace there because it is so good for him so that makes it automatically good for me :)

Enjoy. 💕📚💕

Thanks ElliottWoods. I am so out of fight. I really need peace. I know I have to keep living for eternity, well, that’s how I see it. Who knows how it all works.? So taking deep breaths. I’m afraid I won’t find a way to feel okay ever, afraid there will always be a growing pain of which I am not sure of where it derived from. I look in the mirror and see a sad worried scared soul looking for something. What can I do to ease the pain I yell but no one knows.

((((((Elliott))))) you made me smile but I’ll forgive you this time haha jk I hope your day is getting better.

Ok Hope. Thank you and please be as well as you can manage.

in reply to Starrlight


Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to


scream, yell, you can even do it here, let it out whatever it is you're feeling whatever you want to say we'll understand don't keep it in SCREAMMMMM

Hahaha I love ya so!!!!!

Hey love, how's today going it's Friday 😚

Hiya love! Thanks for checking on me! 😆 you’ve made my day. I am planning on driving (which I have been having trouble with for a year or two I can’t remember as I become scared so I have been driving only within comfortable boundaries) tomorrow is the plan. I want to take my son to drop off a donation and then the library. Well we will see.

How are you doing??? ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Sounds like we're having the same issues i drove around the block but that's progress, you'll make it tomorrow, you got this hun and don't forget to pick me a book from the library lol 😚😚😚

I’m so happy you are making progress. Yeah thanks I think I will make it. One book coming right up 😆

Awwwww ((((((Star))))) I’m so sorry! We definitely let things build and build and go boom!! I was up visiting my parents last week and ran to CVS for my meds. The Pharmacist said it was too early even though I literally fill it two days early every month for years. I went ape shit. I was completely out of my body. I was screaming and crying while cursing at this woman. And it was not a quiet day. There were a lot of customers. I ran out and went to my parents hysterical. They even said this was coming. I’ve been piling up stuff with no release and I guess there wasn’t anymore room for another issue. Don’t be embarrassed. We all do it. Sometimes it’s even good to get everything out. I hope you and hubby can have a nice anniversary because you deserve it. You’re a sweetheart and I hope you can let that situation go so you can enjoy time with your man! Xoxo 😘

Awww thank you and I’m sorry you went through having too much. Thanks for sharing ((((((((hug))))))))

Hi again Starr,

Isn't it helpful to remember that you have so much going for you. A family, friends, 'n talent with the impressive ability to reveal your emotions... likely you keep a journal of sorts? You should, along with your poems 'n art.

We see you as a good person, worthy of love 'n affection but if you just can't accept it at present, allow us to remind you. I've been working with someone who has a similar negative image of self, but is finally pushing pass the doom

and gloom. He's learned that it brings him peace 'n pleasure to encourage someone else. I'm sure you've experienced that.

Btw, today is the anniversary of my Mom's death. It's been 8 years. A huge loss, but my joy comes from knowing I'll see her in due time, along with many others I've loss, including my precious 32 yr old nephew (raised as my own).

Faith is necessary and hope is an anchor. NOTHING can destroy or change such conviction. A simple key to peace. Prayer is the avenue.

You know we all care, if that helps...hope so anyway. Love from here to there.

I am so very sorry for your losses. Blessings to you. (((((((Hug))))))) Your writing encourages me. I want to have hope and I do although the negative gets in the way of it and I need to defeat it and focus on the good. I need to make goodness, I wish I didn’t fear of failure, I’d do better if I could just believe I’m doing good enough or even an amazing job with my kids, this is most important to me. Blessings to you.

I'm so sorry that you are having such a dark time right now. Life can be such a struggle. I'm here to tell you that you're not alone, these replies let you know that. I wish you would believe in yourself and know that as long as you are "doing" then you are doing an amazing job with you and your family. We all have our doubts especially when it comes to our "jobs" with our kids. It shows people like us that struggle with wondering if we're doing good enough that we actually care enough. At some point we just need to have faith that we've done all we can and accept that. I love the reply from Newbie1956. She's right, you are so talented and what a gift it is to be able to express your emotions through art and poetry. I'll admit, I'm a little jealous with that because I can do neither although I've gotten really good at drawing amazing stick figures! LOL! Don't hold back, let go of those emotions, we have your back here and never be afraid to fail. One of my favorite quotes of all time I have printed and on my bathroom mirror where I see it every day is, “No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.” - Chris Hardwick

I've failed so much I'm about as deep as an ocean! Each failure knocks me down but the best part is digging my way out and I take great accomplishment in that. Stay the course, keep one foot in front of the other and if you stumble or fall we're here to help you back up.

Your comment is amazing. I so appriciate you and hope to give back to you. You are right, it is okay to fail. I’m up and back at it now well at least for today.

Howdy Starr! I absolutely know how you feel. For so many years, depression and suicidal thoughts made my life hell (Heck, I still have the suicidal thoughts every second of every day). I still have days, even now, where all I want to do is just fade out. But, I realize that that is just the depression talking. I pretend it's like background noise while I'm trying to listen to the radio. I just mentally tune out that background noise. Believe me, it hasn't been easy to do that lol. Sometimes though, just going back to basics can help. It's knowing what's really important and what isn't. We make so much to-do over the littlest things when, in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter that much after all. 'Water off a duck's back' I think is the saying people use. If there's something/someone negative in your life, show it/them the door. Focus on the positive and what is important to you. Everything else is 'meh'. lol

'Months went by. I couldn't stop them' - The Goons lol (gotta love classic British humor :) )

Your friend,

Brian :)

Starrlight profile image
Starrlight in reply to bridder01

I looooove the idea of thinking of the depression as just background noise. I think I will try to be that duck that lets water roll off its back, and meh to the little stuff 🤣 got it, that’s solid advice.

How are you?

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