Rant 11/14/2020

[twoface]

I am a 23 y/o and have been dealing with depression and anxiety since the 6th grade. Over the years, I have self-harmed on and off. Lately, there has been an accumulation of events that has increased my depression and anxiety. These events include: my parents taking turns in revealing how they really think of me, my parents drilling a nail into my window so I cant open it, my parents removing my doorknob so I cant lock my door to be alone when I feel the need, lashed out at the one person who Ive truly cared about and liked so our friendship could be over, unemployment cause I either have too much or too little experience, being rejected constantly by guys, body image issues, and above all, hating myself because Im not who I want to be... Last time I self harmed was about 5 weeks ago and my head feels like its going to explode. I dont know how much longer I can take before I give in. My head hurts after I cry because I cry too much. I want to eat but then I feel guilty or bloated and it makes me feel fat. I dont starve myself but I do try to limit my food intake because Im so overweight but lately I havent lost any weight which is discouraging. I have an opportunity on Monday that could help me turn this all around and finally be in a safe space by myself but my head creates doubt. Its not a lot but it can definitely tip over all the positive thoughts that I have in my head. I just want to be loved, give love, and be love. I want to be able to love myself because even when everyone leaves, I can never leave myself. Im tired of being tired but whenever my mind finally gets into a better state, the thoughts come flooding back and although I try my hardest to fight them, they always win. Music helps, walking my dog helps, talking to friends helps, looking at memes helps, getting all dolled up helps, but they still win. At this point I feel like Im having empty conversations and creating hollow friendships. I feel alone even when Im not physically alone. No one grabs my attention and no one makes me feel seen or heard. I cant open up to my friends or family about this because they dont know this side of me and when I have tried, I can see that theyre disgusted and uncomfortable just by looking at their eyes. My interests dont interest me anymore and that scares me because when I cant even try to enjoy them, Ill know that Ive lost myself completely.

[11112020]

You deserve happiness and peace and you can get it. Good luck with the new opportunity. When you relocate things can get better and better.

[bonkers65]

I'm sorry you are feeling bad. Have you tried medication or therapy? Sounds like there are a few things that make you feel better like music, walking your dog and talking with friends. Hope you feel better soon.

[HisChild4ever]

I am sorry you are suffering so much! You don't say anything about taking medications or meeting with a therapist. Both things can help a lot. I know that it is very hard to live with depression and anxiety. I am very sorry! Talking to a therapist regularly can help a lot. It's wonderful that you walk your dog and that listening to music helps you. I would recommend not giving up on finding a good job. Keeping yourself busy can help. If you like, you can volunteer doing something that gives you joy and fulfillment. It is not easy to feel better. I know that from experience. But it is necessary that we continue to do things that could possibly offer some help. A therapist can provide a listening ear and understanding and support and guidance. I hope that things get a lot better for you soon.