I grew up with my mom and dad separated. When i was little, i was naive and innocent. My dad was my favorite person in the world and i had a lot of good memories with him but as i grew up i realized how bad he really was. He abused my mom physically and mentally and when she left him he would use me as a way to hurt her. there’s a point in my childhood where i suddenly don’t remember anything. it’s like i can remember ages 4-7 and then ages 7-12 i kinda black out and can only remember bits and pieces of that part of my life. I know now that it’s because of trauma because my father and step brother sexually abused me throughout that time. The environment with my dad was extremely toxic. there was a lot of abuse going on in every form you can imagine. I spent a lot of my childhood worried abt how i would survive, and even though my mom knew how bad my father was, no matter what she did she couldn’t get the courts to do anything. So i spent half my time growing with my mom and becoming the person i wanted to be and half my time having all of that torn away from me.
When i was about 12/13 my mom and I moved in with her boyfriend at the time. I didn’t really have an opinion of him then, and i was too focused on trying to save what little relationship i had with my father to even care abt her boyfriend. When i was 14 i made the decision to no longer go over to my dad’s house. It was a really hard decision and even after i left my father was constantly arguing with me and causing a lot of stress in my life. Eventually things calmed down with my dad and our constant fights turned into me ignoring him and him not texting me for months on end. As that happened, i thought that i could finally focus on myself and healing and maybe live a “normal” life for the rest of my school years.
I soon realized that my moms boyfriend was abusive. He was never physics abusive towards me and has never laid a hand on my mom (to my knowledge) but besides that he has been nothing but horrible to the both of us. I tried to work things out with him, endure a lot of it for my moms sake. But it just eventually got to a point where i couldn’t take it. Both my mom and I have asked him to go to therapy with us and he refuses because he doesn’t believe in it. I spent a long time trying to get him to like me and trying to get along with him but i realized there’s only so much i could do on my own and i eventually gave up on trying to make it work and started to focus on just surfing until i could move out.
My mom didn’t believe how horrible he was to me at first, but as she began to spend more time at home (due to chronic illnesses) she realized how bad it was. She would try to stand up for me but i think she got exhausted because no matter what either of us said, he never listened. They would fight all the time about anything and everything. Some nights it would be about me, other nights it would be about her. My fight with him would be so bad that one time he kicked me out at 1 in the morning and when my mom found out he said i had ran away.
My mom won’t leave him though, she’s stuck in the cycle of abuse. One night she got close, she came home from work one night sobbing after my grandma threatened to call the cops on her husband. She told me she broke down to her boss and for the first time she admitted to herself that her husband is abusive. A few days later she acted like nothing ever happened.
This past summer i reached my breaking point. I was on the edge of either ending it all, i just wanted to give up. It was a dark hole that i’m still trying to pull myself out of. But during the worst of it i got into another fight with him and i reached my last straw. I packed as much as i could into 3 bags and went to live with my grandma. And that’s where i’ve been since.
At first my mental health was doing well. I felt like things were going to change. But then it just kind of plateaued, and then other days it would feel like i was at the bottom of that hole again. I think a lot of it has to do with my mom staying with him even though she knows he’s not making her happy. She visits me sometimes and she never has anything good to say about how their relationship is going. I feel selfish for being mad at her, but i can’t help but be. It makes me so upset that she stays with him. It feels like she’s choosing him over me. I know it’s so hard to break the cycle of abuse and i shouldn’t blame her for not leaving because i know it’s hard to. But it just really hurts that this is the way it had to be.
So yeah, i just feel like my whole childhood has been wasted just trying to survive and i never got a chance to live a stable life. And i’m not really sure what i’m supposed to do now.
I feel like noon we sees me
So many things, feel like I will never get better...
I feel broken & don't know what to do.
i hate feeling this way 
I feel lost. I think I'm done
