I started writing this morning and deleted at least 10 times.

[wittsend0]

I’m depressed, the more I read here, it seems the majority of us suffered abuse by our parents. Should I feel comforted by knowing others have suffered by roughly the same cause?

I don’t. I just feel bad for them as well.

The only things I have felt for years on end is empathy for others and depressed.

The empathy is for others in need, in pain , being f”)&($;$ over, not receiving acknowledgement, being downtrodden.

Depression just is.

I seem to go from mildly depressed, to wanting to curl up in a fetal position. Their are no highs, no up days.

I try to see the good things... I even loaded an app that tells me everyday the things I should be thankful for. It doesn’t help.

Non of the past therapy, antidepressants, or reading of on topic books have helped.

Everyday I awake with the thought “ why won’t you let me die, as in , in my sleep.

Everyday I think about killing myself. I don’t do it, largely because it seems to me it would be letting the scumbags win.

That’s a really lame reason to keep on going.

I try to tell myself tomorrow should be a better day, could be a better day. Yet better days never occur.

I’ve been drowning so long, it’s become the norm.

So here I vent, and some kind participant will reply and try to help.

And as it has in the past, will be another grain of salt. Yes it’s self defeating to even think that. And yet that is where my head goes after all these years of trying to get past it , get over it, get through it. The it that has crushed my life for more then 80 percent of my life. What a waste of living.

Be safe. May it get better for all of us.

[Myre]

Feel ya, love ya, take care.

[Hidden]

Hi. I can't help, this much is true, but I can listen. I'm just acknowledging and letting you know that I'm listening.😊

[Lycholko]

Any reason to stay alive is a justified reason. If when you are feeling suicidal and the only thing keeping you going it that is you do kill yourself, the scumbags win, then keep thinking that. Any reason is a good reason. You’re still here right? I can relate to the empathy thing. During quarantine, I was feeling bad for feeling bad because my mom can never leave the house anyways. (She’s disabled and cant drive.) But, like my therapist keeps telling me is that guilt is something that is brought on by yourself, meaning you can change how you think. Sometimes people do feel comfort in knowing that others have had it worse. Personally I’m on the opposite of that statement. I feel like my feelings are invalid because of it. Comparing your own issues to someone else's never goes anywhere. Pain is relative. People may look at you and think, “man, at least I don't have it as bad as them.” There is always going to be someone out there who “has it worse than you.” Worrying about other people is not good when there is so much to worry about yourself. I feel the same way when you said that you’ve tried all the books and stuff to help and it isn't. I feel like I’ve tried all the healthy coping mechanisms in the book. I know there is more out there but I'm it sure where. The phrase, “Just take it day by day,” is a great line to repeat to yourself. However, for depression, a day seems like too long of a wait. My sister always told me to think, “I'm going to feel better in 15 minutes.” During those 15 minutes, do something to stimulate your mind, such as:

- Crosswords/thinking puzzles/word searches

- Learning something new like Morse code, origami, drawing, knitting/crocheting, learn how to spin a pencil over your finger

- Journaling

- Take a quick shower to just stand in the hot water

- Sit outside for a few minutes

- Have some tea/ hot chocolate or just water NOT COFFEE that will only make things worse

- Paint your nails (nail polish is for everyone and you can't tell me otherwise

-Meditate/ deep breathing

- Stretch a little

-Watch some anime (if you’re in to that) It’s always dramatic so it is a great distraction

- Play/ learn to play solitaire or other card games (maybe you can get some one to play with you)

- Play a video game that isn't about murder or other stressful topics

- Pet your pet/ take them for a walk if possible

- Listen to a song that always makes you happy

That's all that I a an think of right now. I hope some of them help!

[wittsend0]

Thanks,

I feel like I traded , TV (Which is a Mind Suck)for reading, which is all I really have been doing other then applying for work for the last several months and just keeping busy.

I can't even get motivated towards my only hobbies. They are just rotting on the shelf.