I can not live without him!

[mysticfawn]

Hi all. Is there a group for family of those suffering with cancer? I think I need to talk to someone. It's becoming so difficult to watch my husband going through all the pain and treatments he's had. I just wish I could take it away for him. He's my best friend and has been for over 40 years. Not being able to help him breaks my heart! What can I do? What do I say? I can't lie and say everything will be alright. I don't know that! Deep in my heart I feel that the cancer had taken over. In just 2 years it went from esophageal cancer to his bones and we found out today, it has now metastasized to his Liver. My depression is at an all time low in spite of medication. I find myself sleeping a lot and eating a lot. I've gained 23 pounds in around 6 months! My doctor had put me on Phentermine and it's helping my weight and mood but it's all in God's hands now. As you can see by the hour, I'm not sleeping well. I can not even imagine my life without him in it. He's my Knight in Shinning Armour, my Prince! I can't live without him! What am I to do? He starts another round of Chemo in 2 weeks. Then, Radiation. I fear the end for us both...

[Hidden]

I am so sorry you both are having to go thru this horrible thing. Yes it sounds like he is slowly losing the battle. Our 42 anniversary is coming in a few weeks. Reading your post is putting tears in my eyes as I could not imagine being in your shoes. I joke with my hubby that I hope I die first because I cant imagine life with out him. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I dont have any comforting words even. If you have children, I would say try and carry on for them as losing two parents would be unbearable for them. Try and live each day the best you can and keep yourself as physically strong as you can for him. Make sure you are eating and sleeping enough. Keep us posted on how you both are doing. 💜

[mysticfawn in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for such understanding. 💜

[Hidden in reply to mysticfawn]

I will pray and ask God to give you strength thru this storm if that is ok.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Aplogiez

Your husband just called

My humanitarian foundation.

Asked for and approved per his requests

Thecjudieth Reid medal of courage lovr and honor

The ultimate loving drvitrx wife and love if his life awards and medal

Ur there

Trust me

He knows

.it

.

Does

Does

Make a huge differnce

From experience

[Sunnidayz1]

My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this & the suffering & pain your husband is going through😢 It breaks my heart.

The best thing you can do is honor those feelings and surround yourself with people who are going through what you are going through. There are MANY cancer support groups that meet for this particular purpose. I would recommend a face to face group. Research your local community including religious organizations, non profits, and hospitals. There is a lot of support out there!!!!! You gotta get out there. It will help you soooo very much! Please do the research. The WORST thing you can do for your husband and yourself is to NOT surround yourself w support and keep your feelings inside!!!!

Please update us. God bless you.

[Hidden]

Over the years I have been with family on their final journey and I can relate to what and how you feel. You are going through such a rough time and you need to consider your own needs. You are no use if you become ill yourself, you will be no use to those around you

I generally learned the need to be able to switch of from the bedside, we ourselves cannot really do anything proactive. Consider if you show kindness and able to give love and encouragement you can muster

BOB

[4woody]

Wow. You have a lot on your shoulders. As you’ve read in another post there are groups out there. In person is the best way to go. In the mean time... I have lost three family members to cancer and my husband to cancer that was the result of treatment for parkinson’s. I have also learned that what I imagine I can or cannot do is many times different from what I do when the time comes. Brutal circumstances can be faced. Hopefully not alone. Yet even that seems to be doable as I look back over the last couple of decades. It is reasonable, even healthy for you to feel the desperate sense of loss you may be faced with. As long as you are human this will hurt. Can you accept that it will hurt? Can you and your beloved talk openly about how each of you are hurting? The two of you will be the best place to begin finding the support you both need. Other support groups will enhance the personal work you and your husband do together. I know it is hard to imagine... there will be a new normal some day, together or apart... May you both find grace and peace in this shadow.

[mysticfawn in reply to 4woody]

I don't want it to hurt any longer. He's... we've been doing this for 2 years now and I don't want him in any more pain. I can't do anything to help him other than by fixing foods he can actually get down. Im not worried about me as much as I worry for him. I'm tired and probably making no sense at this hour. Thank you for your comments and the prospect of a new normal. 💕

[4woody in reply to mysticfawn]

You continue to sound coherent, honestly. Two years is a very long time to live with such a high level of stress. When two people are as close as the two of you the pain is shared, you can’t help it. He likely feels your pain as well. Perhaps that’s why the two of you will make the best support for each other. I hope you will be able to include others in your circle of two as well. This may sound silly... I recommend you give it a try... find a friend with whom you can feel your pain freely. Or meet someone new with whom you can do that. In that way you will ease your spouses pain. He will hurt a little less as you hurt a little less. Does that make any sense?

Holding you in my thoughts today.

[mysticfawn in reply to 4woody]

Thank you 4woody for making me feel better. Today has been a weary day. So much is dragging me down. Within the past year I've had to postpone my education because I'm having trouble focusing. I've been working on my Masters in Trauma Counseling, so for you to say I'm still sounding coherent is quite the compliment. Thank you again. 💕

[4woody in reply to mysticfawn]

Working on your masters in trauma counseling can be an incredible help at this time. I don’t know if your experience in your masters program has been anything like what I experienced, I hope it has! It was very challenging. And I was often intimidated. It became an amazing support group for the trauma I had just been through... and was beginning to recover from. My focus was called Direction instead of counseling. The focus is very similar. The program used each of our lives to learn to practice healthy relationships with the chaos and heartbreak of living. Learning about the lives of classmates and their process of coping and recovery was so helpful. Learning how to listen to them and respond in a helpful way became learning how to help myself. Which became knowing we all have a story, we all feel overwhelmed and no one needs to be alone. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am willing to be with you in any way I can, in any way that is helpful. May your day bring you time to lay your hurts down, at least for a moment. Keep breathing. Remember we are human. Vulnerability is the path to courage.

[Hidden]

Cancer is not discriminative. I guess be proud at how beautiful a life you have together you get to serve him as he leans on you and you get to do this together. I understand. If you can you need to have some help at home and some time to fall apart get your hair done go to a healer like reiki or crystal healing or some other healing therapy. You know why I like those ... someone is there for you & you get energy from others of healing and sensory relaxation you get to cry and feel a connection of healing. Animals can be like this too do you have a dog?? If you don’t you both might very much enjoy the companionship and petting. Just want you to know you’re not alone and people out here do understand and care and know others don’t get it. What you’re feeling is normal be gentle with yourself live in the moment and wishing blessings to you & your family

[Kevin160]

My heart goes out to you, my mother and most of her side if the family have cancer , my grandma and aunt and mom and her cousins and my grandmas sisters all had it , so i definitely know what its like to see your loved one be in pain and fear through the biopsies, the tests, the waiting , the scanxiety ..its very difficult , but we cherish those whole moments not because we just fear the worse, but because for me atleast, i want to create happy memories regardless of that person being cured or not ..

My intention is never to offend or scare you , i just mean that its even scientifically proven that cancer patients are more likely to live longer when they are happier and more optimistic , we never know what the future hold, and its very hard to reach a mindset where we can just say , “whatever happens happens” but the first step is to make every memory a good one , yes this is a difficult time but try your best for your depression , and also his sake to be good

I remember one time my mom had a cancer reoccurance scare, and we were in the emergency room with my sisters, we had so much fun that day , maybe not the healthiest way to deal with the situation like making fun if one another, laughing together, the nurses actually had to shush us for being too loud, and i remember my mom telling us if its back, thats ok , whatever it is we can face it and whatever happens wont be waiting for me to react to it it will happen anyway, and this gave me a new perspective

❤️❤️❤️ hope for all the best

[waylay]

Oh... I'm so sorry. My Mum is in her last few weeks/months with colon cancer. She was diagnosed in Sept/Oct, but we thought she had ~2yrs. 3 weeks ago we found out that her cancer is very aggressive and chemo-resistant, and she has very little time left. She's in Canada and I'm in the UK, and I'm hoping to fly over on Friday. It hurts so much. I'm so anxious, depressed, not sleeping...

Reading your description of that desperate wish that you could make it easier, of that howling feeling of loss and fear, made me feel understood, as I'm feeling similar things.

*hugs and support to you if you want them*

[mysticfawn in reply to waylay]

Thank you Waylay, I love hugs and prayers too! Sending some of both your way. I pray for your safety flying to your mom. You always want more time but when it's time, it's time, whether we like it or not. I'm so very relieved at the passing of my husband because he was so sick near the end. He went from 250 pounds to 170 in a such a short amount of time. He was suffering from a rare form of cancer, esophageal cancer, not to be confused with actual throat cancer. He nearly lost all ability to swallow anything which eventually lead to organ failure. I guess I feel like I failed him by not being able to feed him enough to keep him alive. He loved music and could sing so beautifully. When his voice started cracking, I knew he had cancer. Itried to get him help months before he finally saw a doctor. He wouldn't listen to me, out of sight, out of mind I guess. I don't know why I'm rambling, I'm sorry. I really just wanted to send you some comfort and it's you who has comforted me. Thank you. Just remember the bond between you and your mum and know she'll be watching over you with unconditional love. Safe journey honey.

[waylay in reply to mysticfawn]

Dear mysticfawn,

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I hope your memories are sustaining you.

I did make it to Canada, spent 2 weeks quarantining in my childhood bedroom, then spent 20 days caring for my Mum. As you say, I wish I'd had more time with her, but I'll be eternally grateful for the 20 days we had together. It felt like... An act of service. Interspersed, of course, with that desperation you described, the knowledge that horrible pain is coming, and a weird...

Peace. We were locked down, out in the suburbs, so little traffic, no visitors, a lot of time looking at old photos, packaging up things she wanted to leave to friends, watching The Crown. She was so calm. She had accepted it. I just tried to follow her lead. I rubbed cream into her feet most nights, which was very intimate in a strange way.

The last few days her pain was SO bad, and we didn't have enough meds to control it. She had wanted to stay home because if she went into hospice we wouldn't be able to visit (Covid), but at the end there was no choice. She died 11 hours later. We were so lucky - they decided that since she'd just come in and thus was already a Covid risk, we could be with her at the end.

She was sedated and unconscious when we got there, so we didn't get to talk, but my brother lay on one side of her, I lay on the other, and we stroked her hair, spoke quietly to her, and kept her company until she drifted away. It was both the most painful and the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced.

Now I'm babbling.

I hope you're doing as well as is possible...

*hugs* if you want them.

[mysticfawn in reply to waylay]

I'm crying for you. Those last moments were wonderful for you. I'm so glad you and your brother were there together. My mother was 92 when she passed away and the last few years of her life were the best for me.

[waylay in reply to mysticfawn]

What a wonderful photo! My Mum was only 76

[waylay in reply to waylay]

Especially with the mousey "additions"

[waylay]

Oh, I just signed into the CancerResearchUK Cancer Chat. Seems supportive.