Hello ? Please help

[NoelDream]

I am a very “successful” individual on the outside, but on the inside I often feel very different. I am a victim of extreme childhood abuse and neglect, and I ignored/suppressed that for many years and now it’s starting to integrate, as I work through therapy.

I suppressed so much of this, for so, so long. And it is starting to come back. In childhood I was diagnosed with OCD and otherwise unspecified disorder, which I am now learning, in current day, is PTSD.

I have always tried to outrun the diagnosis by “making myself better,” or “working harder.” The whole thing gets really complicated. I just want to share my story with someone and be heard and know I still have value.

[Luna-blade]

Your story sounds familiar since we are both in the same boat. I suffered from an abusive childhood my father being very strict and abusive to mum. I had early symptoms of pure ocd when I was three years old but parents were not informed about mental illnesses at that time. My ocd flared up in my teenage years and adulthood where I become addicted to benzos to evade obsessive thoughts and panick attacks. It wasn’t until I was 30 that I received the right diagnosis and given ocd medications. I am working on my phd despite all I have been through; however, I am so vulnerable too on the inside because stress could destroy me any time just like now. I feel relapse being exposed to domestic stress, sadness, responsibilities. The only key to keep balance is to remain calm, relaxed, seek your own refuge and forget about everyone and everything else. Your case I guess is partly biological and partly education like me??? My pure ocd was inherited from my dads side but it grew more severe as a result of abuse. Any help you seek I’m ready to listen...

[NoelDream in reply to Luna-blade]

We definitely sound like we might be in a similar boat. I started counting everything in increments of 8 at a very young age. I just thought it was normal. I thought everyone counted... the only way I ever felt safe was counting.

Now as I go through therapy, yet again 🙄, I am realizing that my OCD is a manifestation of PTSD from severe childhood trauma. I still take my OCD meds... As if I stop I go into panic attack mode.

Thank you for responding, I hope we can continue this conversation 🙏 I would message you directly but I have no clue how to do that 🤣🤣

[Luna-blade in reply to NoelDream]

You are welcome. I understand your pain because currently I am suffering from a severe relapse though I am still on meds. It’s like the effect of meds totally disappeared and I went back again to zero. I am having panick attacks nervous break downs and have to take benzos to keep calm. Awaiting my blood test results, it’s like hell to me now. I am ready to listen or to read 😂 whenever you feel like writing !! Keep strong

[NoelDream in reply to Luna-blade]

One of my biggest issues is that I have been taking care of my mother since I was 14. I thought she was my healthy, stable person. But now, finally, after raising a healthy daughter who has graduated law school, I realize how unhealthy my childhood was. Like it was so crazy!! There just isn’t words!! I can’t even type them, because I can’t believe them. I just keep pushing it all back. Because I honestly don’t know how anyone could live through them.

My other birth family (father, sibling) have died... and I often struggle with not having anyone in my birth family that I love or took care of me.

But to this day i still take care of her. She is actually living with me. And she rewrites history... it’s so manipulative. I want her out but I have been paying for everything for years... and I can’t anymore.

Sorry for this random text.

[Luna-blade in reply to NoelDream]

Don’t be sorry. I fully understand you we often take care of our parents but in the end we somehow feel we have been ripped off our lives thinking we were doing the right thing. Sometimes being a bit selfish is not that bad. We have the right to take care of ourselves and to enjoy life as well and stop those remorse feelings and guilt about not always doing enough for our parents. I’m here for you whenever you feel like talking

[Sleeping_beauty in reply to NoelDream]

Holy cow. The things I read from you and others on this site n v r fail to amaze me. Only in what you all share do I have v n know that certain "things" are all part of our particular situations... Wow. I have always counted ! I too thought it was normal. I hate the #6 and 13 and any # with the # 6. I won't really be list n to the volume on the TV with a 6. Jesus ! How did I n v r notice this was a probl m until right now 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Noel, I got a lot going on 2 and OCDs are just part of it. Jeez, I guess I should bring up the whole counting thing to my therapist... ?

[NoelDream in reply to Sleeping_beauty]

Hi sleeping beauty! It definitely might be something to bring up, not that it is necessarily a problem but good for your therapist to know.

I am learning that my ocd tendencies are a way for me to feel “in control” in a way I can understand and that I often use it to avoid feeling, which is very uncomfortable for me.

I hate odd numbers lol... to this day I always set the alarm to an even number and volume on the tv to an even number 🙄

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Luna-blade]

I hope it’s not strange question but about the ocd counting- I hav done something like this for a long time as well !! & also thought it totally normal I guess I don’t even think sbout it or register it maybe?? But I’m also confused how do you know the difference when it seems like in everyday life we use counting to help us like for helping relax even for counting breathes or counting to 10 to help calm you & counting sbout 20secs. To wash hands? How do you know differences between when it’s healthy to count & helps or when it’s not??? Thank you🌻

[Luna-blade in reply to hurtingheart1]

Actually I have never used the counting thing but something similar. When I usually have a panick attack I try to focus my mind on an idea other than the one haunting me. I generally fail so I start praying. Praying gives relief and strength and helps my mind shift from the horrible image attacking me. However, I have never succeeded doing that without a tranquilizer I usually pray waiting for the effect of the benzos to kick in. It’s living hell. In that respect, in your case I guess that both counting and praying are somehow similar since you use counting to alleviate your anxiety. Dunno if your ocd is as severe as mine because mine attacks so aggressively to the point where if I’m driving I have to pull over to somewhere populated as I suffer from agoraphobia as well. It takes me like ten minutes with the benzos to go through this horrible moment. After that, I can drive again having literally seen hell!!

If counting helps you then it’s healthy. Anything that could help alleviate your state is healthy whether counting, praying, breathing.... Stay strong

[NoelDream in reply to hurtingheart1]

Hi there... there is never a strange question ❤️ I think that if you count because you choose to count to relax or whatnot that is a healthy thing. My counting was a compulsion... for example I had to count to 8, 8 times and if I didn’t I was convinced something bad would happen. So I was not counting out of a calm place, I was counting out of fear. Does that make sense?

[Hidden in reply to NoelDream]

Similar Childhood Trauma. As a child one of my memories is saying my prayers before I went to sleep, 100 times ! just in case one night I forgot ! It’s brought on by ‘Fear’. Another behaviour was to walk along a road, and only step on certain similar shaped areas or cracks in the road. Or walking along, stepping on one stone area and missing one etc. I to this day, count things, window pains for example.

I also spend a lot of time organising things at home. Moving items around, (furniture), binning things if i feel there is to much clutter. However, the clutter is then moved to one particular area. It’s like my controlled corner. Very difficult sometimes for my family to live with. As they cannot find things sometimes.

[Tregan71]

I feel your pain my friend, I grew up in a "war zone" with an abusive alcoholic father, the mental issues caused by all those years of fear, doubt, excessive worry and intense anxiety became encoded into my central nervous system, my mind and my essence. I have denied it for so many years and I too thought if I just got another degree, a higher job position and bigger salary, just maybe that would help undo some of all that inside me, all that hurt,shame, pain and misery. I have just recently decided I have had enough, no more running. I have fully surrendered to God and made the decision that I am who I am and that our creator has and always will care for me. I find my truth not in seeking another solution but in letting the truth find me. Life is so full of storms and its really hard when we are pretending to be people we really arent, we keep all the pain hidden inside and the wounds are deep but I encourage you to think deeply about your life and find out who you really are and how you want the rest of your life to be. You are human and you deserve to be happy, loved and valued for who YOU are, scars and all. Sometimes letting go isnt really letting go but letting "in". You are not alone in your struggles, smile and know your life is a gift!

[Hidden]

Your not alone .. can relate