Ordinarily I say take what works for you and leave the rest and I can generally stick to that as long as "the rest" isn't foisted upon me. Sometimes though, I see something that is so glaring in its ineptitude that it's worth calling out. I'm not going to name the person because I do believe that she is doing this in good faith and genuinely wants to help others but she is so off the mark that I wanted to comment on it.
As a chronically shy person (I believe I have Avoidant Personality Disorder or some offshoot, although I have never been diagnosed) I occasionally go online to see what "quick fixes" are out there, I've read pretty much all of them and none of them resonate with me but I can often see how other people could get something out them. Last week I saw one where a woman was claiming to have been quite shy and now she can talk to anyone, perfect strangers even which is mystifying to someone like me who struggles to talk with the people I know. Her big piece of advice? Flirt with everyone. She really told a group of already socially inhibited people to level up to flirting with everyone they meet as a way to ease into social situations. I have never flirted with anyone in my life, I'm not comfortable doing it and no one has ever flirted with me so it's not like I have any experience with it. I've seen other people do it so I know what it looks like and I know that it's an enjoyable endeavor for lots of folk but I think even if I was "normal" it wouldn't be something I would enjoy even if I was attracted to someone because I would feel like a liar doing it, I'm not a fake it till you make it person because it's dishonest to me and the last person I want to lie to is myself. I can't believe that this woman was ever really shy, I think she might have confused being an introvert (that is simply a person who needs alone time, an introvert can be the loudest person in a room, they just need time by themselves to recharge. An introvert can also be shy but they don't always go hand in hand. A shy person might still enjoy being around people most of the time.) with being shy and she simply needed to change up the way she interacted with people in order to do it on a more consistent basis. It's odd that she would think that people who are socially inhibited could skip simple conversational skills and dive right into something like flirting.
I too am shy and always have been. I have trouble just talking to people I know, much less strangers. And flirting would be hard. This in turn makes me have less friends and be lonely.
I have always been shy, I think I was a shy baby since my parents said i hardly ever cried. It has led to me very lonely and disconnected from life and I hate it.
Sounds like she was talking bollocks as we say in the UK. Just because your very shy and reserved it doesn't mean your not normal. Your just a different personality. My wife is very shy, reserved and will actively avoid strangers and social occasions. It takes time for her to build trust with others and feel comfortable in company. There is no wonder drug or guaranteed techniques out there. I will say that occasionally the self help books/DVD's help for some but not others.
You sound like an intelligent, kind and caring lady and not the type to go around flirting with every Tom, Dick and Harry. It took a long time for my wife to really open up to me, but in the end I built up her trust and we've been together for over 27yrs now. Most men are completely useless at picking up subtle messages so I can "sort of" see her point but it's pointless trying to re wire somebody's personality. Often gentle encouragement, patience and understanding is what's needed. Remember from a tiny acorn a mighty oak will grow. Talking about it with others who are or have suffered in the past with confidence issues and shyness could help but be assured you're not alone in being shy and reserved and you will find a way or that special someone who will except you for who you are.
I'm a complete stranger to you and I took the time to reply to you because I care about my fellow human beings. You will always find kindness, understanding, advice and support within this forum often from folk's that have been helped by others and genuinely want to give back.
ANYTIME day or night there will ALWAYS be somebody on here willing to listen and talk to you and share their experiences.
I too am shy and have been diagnosed with social anxiety, so just reading to words "flirt with everyone" got my heart beating faster. I've attempted the fake it till you make it attitude before but I just can't do it. It takes way too much effort and energy and I feel so disingenuous.
I have a really hard time connecting with others and meeting new people, that's why I only have one friend who I've known for 20 years so I'm comfortable around her.
Honestly the thing that helped me most with my social anxiety (but I had to stop because of COVID) was an improv class specifically for people with anxiety. It was really funny walking into the first class and everyone just looked at each other and was basically thinking the same thing "You have anxiety? Me too!" Wish I could have kept taking the classes but they went online and it just wasn't the same for someone taking improv to get over social anxiety.
I'm sorry that you had a rough start. I was always a very kid as well but I didn't have a dysfunctional family. I truly loved my childhood, it was the last blissful time in my life. At 46, I don't know that I'm going to change or grow out of this, it's pretty much who I am.
Honey don't change its who you are, quiet, sensitive, shy, gentle, loving and caring. Sounds like my wife to a tee, and that's why I love her!
I'm 50yrs old now, served my country, seen man's capability for destruction and compassion, I've had my heart broken and lost friends. BUT I have very few regrets, sure there are times when I should've kept my mouth shut, and times I should've told a little white lie to save others feelings.
The real rewards in life are not money, power, good job, looks, awards or popularity it's simply TO LOVE. You must learn to love yourself, fault's, warts and all! Secondly, be honest with yourself and others then you will have very few regrets.
And finally, TAKE A CHANCE, be strong, start small, join that dating site, go to the group meetings, sing and dance at home where nobody can see you and recharge your soul! Love strike's when you're least expecting it and believe me nothing is more attractive than a simple smile!
Regrets last a lifetime, don't change YOU, be at peace with who you are, don't punish yourself, the first step is to love yourself the rest WILL come in time.
So here's a starter for you......I THINK YOUR ABSOLUTELY FAB!!
Thank you. No dating sites for me, they aren't kind to women in their forties. The amount of abuse that women in general face on dating sites is ridiculous and it just increases in its nastiness as you get older. There are no group meetings happening here now and even if there were I can't attend because I live with my parents who are both high risk for Covid, that would also make singing and dancing at home a tad bit annoying for them as well.
I feel your pain, my wife is shielding and it's so bloody frustrating. I never knew that dating sites were such a den of knuckle dragging clowns! This pandemic WILL END believe me. You need a distraction, anything, doesn't matter what it is. What's the alternative? Are you just going to give up, curl up, surly you deserve a little peace and happiness don't you? Not all men are like that, by the way that's what the delete button is for. Free dating sites attracts serious low Life's, if they're being that cruel and abusive towards you and women in general it's obvious they have their own mental health issues and clearly a very small dick! So you're going to let this pond life win that easy, roll over and accept it? I'm talking to you, I care about your well-being, and I have nothing to gain from it except knowing I'm giving a little back. We can all give up in difficult times, even the word hopeless has hope in there somewhere. I've been low and in constant pain, even as I write this I'm in pain but as God is my witness I refuse to give up, if only to do justice to the brave souls that are no longer here , they don't have a choice but we do. I'm thousands of miles away from you but only a message away.
If you want to talk the offer's there, anytime. Stay safe.
I suppose it helped the person who made the video but it's not advice that most people who are shy will be able to put into practice without first overcoming their shyness.
I was very shy until my first mania around the age of 15. I've been a barrel of monkeys since.
Really, I'm still shy, but I developed a persona who is super charismatic and warm, as long as you don't expect anything substantial from him. When I'm in that mode, I don't even remember what I've said. When people at work ask me direct questions that involve thought, I'm liable to say something that I know is wrong, if it makes the interaction more friendly. I'm quite desperate at that moment, I think.
As of two days ago I'm formally on probation at work. One of the complaints is my lack of thoughtful answers. They like my friendliness, though. I have a stellar resume and a high IQ, and I can't hold down a relatively simple job because of the interplay of my shyness with my extroversion.
At one point in my life I did a ton of yoga in an effort to deal with an uncomfortable and undiagnosed hypomania. And when I finished, I was relaxed. Quiet. Imperturbed. A friend of mine noticed and said she liked me better that way.
Physical activity can be helpful in relaxing the body and mind. I've never done meditation but I've heard wonderful things about how it helps with everything from insomnia to depression.
Thanks for sharing that crazy advice... I am conflicted whether it’s funny or sad but like you said, def dumb! I am so glad no one ever encouraged me to flirt to cure shyness. Flirting has absolutely no appeal.
Sometimes I feel my awkwardness or nervousness makes me come across wrong and I worry that people think I am flirting when I’m not. It’s most disconcerting.
Being shy is a real handicap for me too. I hate when people talk about it dismissively, as if it’s so easy to get over. It’s not.
in reply to
There are some people who are only shy in certain situations like starting a new job or a party where they don't know anyone but eventually they can get past it. Then there are folks who have debilitating shyness that severely impacts their lives. I'm not sure that someone like us can just up and flirt our way out of shyness.
in reply to
That’s true. Maybe most people are just oblivious to the fact that shyness can be debilitating.
So I have struggled with functioning because of shyness but the only thing that seemed to help at all is practice. I have been told “learn by doing.” Does that make sense to you?
Sometimes it means forcing myself to ignore the unpleasant feelings and... just do it. Glad to say that there has been some improvement but I have a long way to go still.
Another thing, do you find it easier to interact with people when it is goal oriented? Like making a business call to address a problem is a lot easier than trying to carry on a small talk conversation?
in reply to
I haven't worked in over ten years and it was always a struggle to be on the phone, I hate communicating by phone, it's almost like it's harder because you don't really how much the other person is paying attention and if you are getting through to them. I realize that many people can do very well with the "bite the bullet and just do it" type of advice. That's never been me. I've also never been the "make small, reachable goals that you can do and build from there" because I'm not at all a goal oriented person. I was when I was a kid, at least as far as school was concerned but that's because everything I had to do was set out for me: go to school, listen, study, do your homework and as long as I paid attention I could do reasonably well (never at math, always a complete, utter failure with numbers and as far as I'm concerned that's the only thing worth knowing because it feeds into so many beautiful areas in science and I was heartbroken at how stupid I was with math and how I knew that I would not be that type of smart and I am insanely jealous of people who are great at math. Enjoyed this tangent?) and get by. I didn't know how hard it was all going to get as I got to college so I gave up. Everything really. I graduated but with nothing real to show for it.
I think shy people are adorable❤️
So I am going to play devils advocate for a second, but I do agree the advice is wrong. So for most people when they say they are shy or have social anxiety they are mostly saying they get nervous talking. Not saying this is you or anyone else here, but in general this is true. If you walk down the street and ask people what being shy is they will most likely answer just being nervous around people. Now being nervous doesn't mean bad at talking. So to most people the solutions is quite simple. Face your fear and talk to people more. Or as your post said, flirt more. And to some extent this is true. How do you conquer any anxiety? You face your fear. So her advice isn't bad per say. It just depends on the person and the context. So as you pointed out there are many reasons why for you flirting would be bad, which is totally fine. But I think she was trying to repeat the line just put yourself out there more so you overcome the fear.
Now with that being said I agree that most "normal" people have no idea what it is like to not be able to communicate effectively. I have had this struggle as well. I am on the spectrum so I have a very difficult time understanding body language that is not super obvious. I also have a hard time interpreting tone and how that tone changes what is being said. I get in trouble a lot because I argue with people who are being sarcastic. But I don't recognize they are not serious and so then start a debate. It's very challenging for me. And most people don't realize how easily they interpret these subtle ques day to day. So they give the only advice they know how to, which is just talk more and train yourself to do it. They literally can't comprehend not understanding these other issues because they don't even realize they do it. It's very interesting. But yeah that is just my two cents. I don't think she intended to give bad advise she is just misguided and doesn't truly understand certain peoples struggles and issues.
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Getting Up After Being Deferred or Rejected
Being blackmailed at my job causing anxiety to take over
I ruined the best girl I've ever known.
Does it ever get better?
Does it ever get better 
