First I want to say thank you to all the kind people on this site for offering their help and understanding.
Last night I came home from work and didn’t see my cat Mango in her regular spot. I worry because she is old and suffers from kidney failure. I saw that she was eating so I sat in a chair watching her and I started to cry. I cried because I know I won’t have her that much longer, I cried because she’s my last pet and is all I have. And I cried because I miss Kathy so much, she was such a loving, caring and considerate person. And she loved animals and Mango is now the last one. I mentioned before that Kathy was my girlfriend and past in 2010 from a long illness. She was so smart and was going to become a veterinarian when she went to college back in the 80’s. She even had an academic scholarship. But she became very sick from uncontrolled diabetes and other related complications, and after several stays in the hospital she had to leave college. Her dream was never realized.
So I thought of all this and I cried.
I didn’t mention but I do engage in some self destructive behavior, mostly it’s just drinking, especially at night. It just makes me feel better, at least temporarily. My phychiatrist is not happy about it, but I guess she knows I’m not going to stop, regardless of her warnings. And I started smoking again ( a pack every three days ). I’m just not good at following advice. This has been the story of my life, not following advice.
So thanks for listening and providing your thoughts about loneliness and depression. And offering your own personal stories. Good luck to everyone. Some people deserve happiness, a good family and lots of friends. For others like me it usually ends up differently,but that’s my fault.