I feel like I squandered every chance of happiness thats ever been presented to me. Its not as though I dont think i can meet new people its that I dont think ill ever find anything as good. We were perfect together, but I was a mentally ill addict and all I did was unravel her life. She was gorgeous, intelligent, funny and lord help me the sex was all id ever dreamed for. Obviously I broke her heart, all my fault.
Now I dont feel just guilt and shame but Im also afraid anybody I meet will just seem boring. Ill never feel the same about another person. Ill never find someone as perfect.
13 Replies
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What a post!!! I’m sorry you’re feeling like this about someone. I happen to be a 52 year old woman with no children and I was in a committed relationship for a long time. In my 40s a number of things happened and we split up. And I blame myself even though in some ways it was both of our faults. Now I’m single but I don’t really want to try dating at age 52!!! So even though I’m not a guy maybe in some weird way I can understand. I know what it feels like to feel like you blew it with someone. I hope you can try to feel better at least.
Hi Frightenedturtle. It is good to get your feelings out. I want you to know that I often feel like my best friends have either been alienated by me or passed away. It can be a natural tendency to not believe I cannot ever again have what I did. To some degree, it is true, but it doesn't mean newer things will not come along. My best friend passed away in February, and I was lost and still am. Nothing can replace somebody who has gone on, but life can also present new experiences, even if I can't recognize them at the time. Give yourself time to grieve, and keep doing your best. Your best today might not be the same as your best tomorrow. But don't give up. People and things come and go. But please keep faith that there are other fish in the sea who will appear when the time is right. It is hard to hold this in my mind, but I have to in order to keep going. I hope this helps. Best wishes to you.
Frightenedturtle - I want to also add this about a friend who I alienated over 25 years ago with my addiction problems. He and I were definitely best friends. We had the same hobbies, the same diagnosis, and we spent as much time together as we could. But I got into drugs at that time, which was what led to the end of our friendship. He was my best friend. I still love him dearly to this day. But 25 years ago, he changed his phone number and broke off contact with me. It has tormented me ever since. I have since gotten off drugs, and am much more stable mentally that I was back then. Alienating him is one of my biggest regrets of my life. But when I think of him now, I want to try to find him and tell him I am better now. But, I still don't think it would work out if I did. Even if we became friends again, we might not get along as good as we did back then. I had my problems, but over the years, I have come to realize he also has problems also. It wasn't all my fault, though for years, I blamed myself completely. I am not sure I would want to spend much time with him anymore, because I have moved on, and grown over the years. I don't feel like I could be as patient with him as I was, and I have decided that's okay. I still think of him and the good times we spent together, but I realize it probably had to end for his sake and mine. Nowadays, when I think of him, I hope and wish he is happy and at peace. I harbor no resentments anymore over our parting ways. Sometimes relationships just have to end, and I think that is what happened with us. My addiction did not help, but I now realize he was also sick in his own way. I hope the best for him, remember the fun we had together, and realize it just had to end. We simply grew apart. I have made new friends who are better for me now, and I also try to cherish my ex friends who may no longer be good for me. Anyway, I hope sharing my experience with this helps you.
Your post is so sweet, sounds like you're a romantic. It's something about that one special love, no one else will ever compare. And, you know, deep down inside, I don't think we ever want to get over that love. It connects us to an earlier time and revives our hope and faith at a time when there is so much ugliness in the world. Believe it or not you will get past this loss and life will go on. Yes it's going to hurt for a while and the search for the same perfection may continue but eventually your view of what perfection is may change. You may find out that getting your sexual needs met is less important than having your emotional needs met and what was perfect for you now will seem empty by comparison ten years from now. You may wonder 'what was I thinking'? But hold on to the feeling of love and let go of your feeling of loss. Yes we mess up but that is the price for living. Don't let that comparison cloud your future vision. Be willing to give love another chance. You'll make it.
Boy, this one will probably get me in trouble: back in the stone age when I was born (1950) that was one reason why pre-marital sex was discouraged. I didn't really understand then. Love and sex are 2 powerful controllers. Sex without love can become as emotionally void as love without sex. But putting the 2 together can move mountains! You'll be able to separate the two. Good sex may not last when the other person becomes physically unappealing to you or is ill and can't perform. But love is the bond that will get you through those times; it's the one that is going to last. It's the one that will pass the test of time and will stay beautiful when the wrinkles come and the body is no longer firm or muscular or whatevet was so attractive before. Or, when whatever felt so good doesn't feel good anymore. Sigh! I've been there. Forty-eight years ago--one year before we got married--sex was an awesome new experience for both of us; and that feeling lasted a number of years. But, it's life that changes things: busy trying to make more money (too little time for sex), children (too tired for sex), depression (just don't want to have sex), cancer or other illness (can't have sex). I wish I could say it has been love that has weathered those storms for us but is more like caring and resignment. He has kept me well provided for and I'm still considered attractive enough for my age to be his 'arm candy'. It was sex that brought us together and lack of it has helped drive us apart. Physical intimacy cannot compare with the 'glue' of emotional intimacy--there's no mistrust, no betrayal. I definitely have more years behind me than ahead of me and I so wish I had waited for the one who made my heart flutter when I just looked at him and just the touch of his hand would be my 'orgasam'. And his voice kind, always kind. Well, that's my story; hope it helps. And what I wish for you is that when love REALLY happens to you, you will know it and that it never leaves you. You won't have to worry about separating love and sex. I'm a romantic too.
I guess its just hard waiting for that feeling when I want it now. My mind keeps wandering
They say we live in a microwave age--we don't want to wait for anything, we want it now. But what happens if you don't bake a cake long enough? Gooey mess. Or if you walk on a newly painted or concreted surface before it's ready? Time for new shoes. Or a baby is born long before his time? That result could be a life that may never be fully repaired. With some things you just have to wait. And finding love can be that way too. You want it to be sweet (not a gooey mess), irreplaceable (not always looking to get something new) and complete (able to continue to grow). Enjoy your youth while you still have it. Stop clouding your mind with questions that have dogged humanity for centuries (King David and Bathsheba, Henry the VIII, and Elizabeth Taylor had how many husbands?). Go see some of the places you've wanted to see, do some of the things you've wanted to do and grow--never stop learning, learning, learning. And you may discover that thing you were looking so hard to find might just find you.
you got a little corny at the end there, but it worked. Im genuinely hoping years from now I look back on this and think about how stupid I was to worry
I’m in the boat as you. I messed up with my partner and the guilt was giving me so much stress and anxiety. Luckily for me, I ran across a relationship coaching website. I took a gamble and had a session. It’s the best I’ve felt in a month. I was asked to give myself some space from the constant apologizing and overcompensating I was doing. And this gives my partner space as well. And to forgive myself for making a mistake or bad choice. Maybe that will work for you too, in baby steps. I hope you find some peace in the ashes 🙏🏽
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