As I wake again at 4am from stress and depression, I'm left thinking. That’s not good.

[wittsend0]

Which is why I am here, venting.

I'm burning through my savings, living in a state that is stupid expensive.

Unable to type without spell check getting every tenth word wrong, and needing to be retype dead fixed. (yes the end of this sentence should read, retyped and fixed)UGH!

My life is a long story, but it was over thirty years of my lame choice for having stayed and put up with it, (how long do you think it took me to accept it is a choice, and my choice no matter what?) being a basic slave to my family, thinking family first, blood means everything. (Don't buy into it, if they treat you like crap, its not worth sticking around.)

No Income, running out of the pitiful EDD UI Benefits that end in 30 days.

I'm losing the roof over my head, because the landlord wants to sell, in a rental I should never have been in in the first place. I can't afford the payments so staying is not logical.

My partner is kind and nice, but lives in a fantasy of not understanding what going broke means, grew up here, and doesn’t want to leave. ( Does that mean kind and nice are my blindfold, excuse for being treated poorly yet again?)

I swear, being depressive and having empathy as the only thing I feel is so utterly wrong! Being depressed and only feeling for others needs is a literal hell.

My past therapists have pointed out I have the perspective of a ten year old who has an expectation that people in my life will do the right thing.

But as has been stated, "they can't do what I need, if they don't know what that is." In this relationship I have stated point blank no holding back what it is I need and yet I managed to fall right back into existing in the familiar. In this case she isn't mean, nasty hurtful. But still sees through her blinders, desires, without basis in reality of out comes or my needs, and I stay and give in.

Is it the stupid uninformed 10 year old in me expecting she will do the right thing?

Or that there is a right thing at this point?

Or that I have the right to ask?

Or my mental illness is just so bloody engrained that no matter what, I can not put my needs, safely, mental health first?

I feel like I'm going down for the third time, and yet I'm completely numb at the same time.

I went through the panic, extreme anxiety fetal position on the floor, and landed in numb, and irrational towards outcome, awaiting the freight train heading directly at me, without being able to step out of the way.

I need to move out of state to a place that is less expensive.

Have needed to do so for over 5 years, and yet haven't done it.

I tell myself it's because of the partner not wanting to leave.

I know it's partly that and partly my own fears of the unknown, of losing her and being alone.

On many levels I wish I had the balls to pull the literal trigger. It’s the same thought I have had since I was in my teens. In my youth, I once had the gun to my head , but couldn’t pull the trigger. Didn’t, for reasons I will never understand. And yes I have been mostly miserable for the better part of 40 some odd years since.

So here I am unable to sleep for the better part of a year. AGAIN.

Stewing in my own head.

Lost.

Thinking I want death, with no ability to cause the end. Which again is a choice, right?

It's an endless cycle, in my own head of denial and choices, that don't make me any happier.

I wish for all those that are here, who are here on some level for the same reasons, ISH, that I am, that we all get past this painful crap!

Be Safe.

[WBKotter]

I find that 4 am is my critical time too. There's actually science behind this. There is a reason why police roust people out of bed at 4 am to arrest them - it is because that is when our bodies and minds are at their most vulnerable, especially to stress. When my anxiety is particularly bad 4 am is like an internal alarm clock that wakes me up. You are not alone.

I would also re-read what you have written because the answers to your problems are all there. You understand what is bothering you. You know the sources and triggers of your anxiety. All that remains is for your to love yourself and accept your self enough to take the actions that will address the things that trouble you.

One thing you may want to do as well is to question your assumptions. Is it true that you have to move out of state? Can you downsize in your living arrangements? Can you move outside of the city to a less expensive suburb or a more remote part of the state.

One of the tendencies of us anxious people is to catastrophize and to engage in black and white thinking. It is not always the case that the situation is "either-or". Sometimes it is "yes, but I can do this instead..." Think clearly about all of your options.

Have you seen a therapist? Have you discussed why you feel compelled to serve others? To put their needs and wants before yours? Why you feel that your needs and wants don't matter? Why you feel that asking for what you need is selfish? And why you believe that you cannot make it alone? If you have worked so hard to serve others all your life, and people have taken from you without giving, then you have spent much of your life already alone. And you can see that you are perfectly capable of being alone. You have done it already. You will not be as lonely as you fear because you are already more lonely than you realize. You are enough. You are good. You are worthy. You have lived a life of service to others. You deserve to serve yourself first. When you do these things, when you show yourself love, you are showing others that you are worthy of love, and you will receive love back. It is not true that the only way to receive love is to give to others. You may have been told you were unlovable and selfish when you were a child. That you had to serve the needs of others to get love. But this is not true. Deep inside you is a lovely child who deserves love, who is adorable, and sweet and kind, and good and loving. You know this about yourself. Love that child back. And the world will fill your heart. Believe it. Know it.

[shodan95]

3-4AM is the bewitching hour for me lol seriously. every deep anxious thought and feeling comes to the forefront between those hours; literally ripping me out of the state of sleep I spent 2 hours trying to slip into. I try to take it as a sign that I need to spend more quiet time journaling and processing my "sh*t" during waking hours, so my subconscious doesn't try to do it during my sleeping hours. Its annoying lol being human, especially a sensitive and intuitive human, is a mother bear... My advice... definitely move someplace cheaper. Even if it means losing the relationship or making it a long distance one. You HAVE to take care of yourself because no one else is going to nor should they. The main benefit is being able to afford your life and having your basic needs met without too much struggle, which is going to give you a lot of peace and free up mental space. take care!